I'm 22 and I really wish I'd just cease to exist. I'm too much of a pussy to actually kill myself. Since childhood, I've already noticed that I was different. No, not insane or mentally retarded but just too excessively shy and antisocial. But I want to be with people, too. Sure, I have friends and I have a perfect loving family anyone could ask for but, like the cliché goes "It's not you; it's me." I've also never been bullied - well maybe once in high school but bullying here in the country where I'm from is not a social norm and there was reconciliation after that instance when I did get bullied. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm my own monster. I grew up a loner though I had a good company of people around me. I don't know why but I generally want to be alone. I push people away when they start getting close. No, I distance myself away from them - AND I don't fucking know why? I hate myself being like this. When I am alone, that's when I crave for their company. I also have social anxiety issues. I can't stand being in public. Three years ago, things finally got out of hand, I remember that fateful week when I'd wake up in the morning and no longer have the desire to get up and do anything. My parents accompanied me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was prescribed to take Zoloft for the next 6 months. Things are better now but still, I get episodic attacks of depression every once in a while. And I really hate that! I can't possibly be on meds for the rest of this damn life? Fuck! I just know things will get worse as I've kept a journal on my depression. And looking back, all I can see are the bad stuff. Sometimes, my thoughts race with horrible ideas, nightmares and this prevents me from sleeping until around 5 or 6 in the morning. My family keeps telling me to help myself but they just don't understand what I go through every waking hour of my life. I do really bad in explaining. I just feel so fucked up! How can I help myself when I, myself, is the ultimate pessimist? Countering every positive thought. There are times when I try to be happy and just be content - I really do but, life, fate, the universe, God, or who or whatever is in charge of existence just constantly conspires against my general happiness. I'm not just saying that because I'm a paranoid pessimist but I really have noticed that every time I just try to be happy. Something bad always happens to ruin my day.
So, yeah, that's my story and fuck my life.