Hi, there. Hope you've had a good day, but odds are if you're here, then you haven't. Please don't give up, from the bottom of my heart, I beg of you to keep on going.
I'm a 20 year old college boy, and I am so sick and tired of just having "pals". I'm not close to anyone, and it's tearing me up. I have no relationship with my dad, whatsoever, who is a very controlling and manipulative person. My mom goes through phases where she is the best mom in the world or she just gets hammered from 9am until she passes out, leaving me to do a lot of extra work ordinarily, but now that I'm in college I feel terrible because it falls onto my little sister, still living at home.
I grew up with a best friend, Peter. He and I were literally BEST friends. We cared about each other, we looked out for each other (I looked out for him more than he did for me, because I'm a year older), we got in trouble together, we beat the crap out of each other, and we always made it up to each other. Until he got addicted to drugs, stole tons of electronics and money from me and then sold it for more drugs. Now he still isn't straightened up, despite going to rehab maybe 5 times before he was 18. He is in college now, but he won't talk to me, because I asked him why he stopped being a best friend to me.
I had another best friend in high school, who died Sophomore year. We would ALWAYS hang out during school, and I lost him, and I miss him so much.
I had a best friend last year, who transferred out and won't talk to me anymore. I don't know why. He is literally talking to everyone else. The thing is, before he transfered he also really hurt me badly, almost like a betrayal, which I know he felt bad for, but was also confused about. Maybe he feels guilty? Maybe he's mad at me? I have no idea.
Everywhere I look, I see people that are close to each other. I see best friends. Or, I see people who don't want best friends, and are happy with either being alone or having groups of friends, but not a best friend. I don't have a group, and I can't get into one, because I HAD a best friend, someone to always hang out with, and now he's gone. Now I feel like I'm losing everyone in my life. Not "losing", but that we're growing apart from each other. I feel like I'm falling, or collapsing, into dust. And no one cares. Sure, the anonymous internet user will say "I care! People love you!" or "having best friends is over rated". The truth is, maybe both of them are right. Maybe both of them are wrong. Either way, it doesn't solve my problem, and it doesn't keep me from hurting every time I lie down to sleep. Every time someone can't make plans with me because they already have them.
I just want a best friend again. Someone who cares. I know that I am a great friend. I was the freakin' Giving Tree of friends to my last "best" friend (I don't know if he ever considered me a best friend). The problem is though, maybe people use me, maybe they accidentally do, or maybe it just feels that way (and I know listing possibilities doesn't help anyone, but hell, it's part of my thinking process), but I am so alone and disillusioned right now, that part of me thinks people would like me more if I was dead. They would think about me more, after I'm gone.