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Everyone Leaves

Posted by Francis Abel (Pseudonym) at January 25, 2012
Tags: Friendship  2012 January  Loneliness

Hi, there. Hope you've had a good day, but odds are if you're here, then you haven't. Please don't give up, from the bottom of my heart, I beg of you to keep on going.

I'm a 20 year old college boy, and I am so sick and tired of just having "pals". I'm not close to anyone, and it's tearing me up. I have no relationship with my dad, whatsoever, who is a very controlling and manipulative person. My mom goes through phases where she is the best mom in the world or she just gets hammered from 9am until she passes out, leaving me to do a lot of extra work ordinarily, but now that I'm in college I feel terrible because it falls onto my little sister, still living at home.

I grew up with a best friend, Peter. He and I were literally BEST friends. We cared about each other, we looked out for each other (I looked out for him more than he did for me, because I'm a year older), we got in trouble together, we beat the crap out of each other, and we always made it up to each other. Until he got addicted to drugs, stole tons of electronics and money from me and then sold it for more drugs. Now he still isn't straightened up, despite going to rehab maybe 5 times before he was 18. He is in college now, but he won't talk to me, because I asked him why he stopped being a best friend to me.

I had another best friend in high school, who died Sophomore year. We would ALWAYS hang out during school, and I lost him, and I miss him so much.

I had a best friend last year, who transferred out and won't talk to me anymore. I don't know why. He is literally talking to everyone else. The thing is, before he transfered he also really hurt me badly, almost like a betrayal, which I know he felt bad for, but was also confused about. Maybe he feels guilty? Maybe he's mad at me? I have no idea.

Everywhere I look, I see people that are close to each other. I see best friends. Or, I see people who don't want best friends, and are happy with either being alone or having groups of friends, but not a best friend. I don't have a group, and I can't get into one, because I HAD a best friend, someone to always hang out with, and now he's gone. Now I feel like I'm losing everyone in my life. Not "losing", but that we're growing apart from each other. I feel like I'm falling, or collapsing, into dust. And no one cares. Sure, the anonymous internet user will say "I care! People love you!" or "having best friends is over rated". The truth is, maybe both of them are right. Maybe both of them are wrong. Either way, it doesn't solve my problem, and it doesn't keep me from hurting every time I lie down to sleep. Every time someone can't make plans with me because they already have them.

I just want a best friend again. Someone who cares. I know that I am a great friend. I was the freakin' Giving Tree of friends to my last "best" friend (I don't know if he ever considered me a best friend). The problem is though, maybe people use me, maybe they accidentally do, or maybe it just feels that way (and I know listing possibilities doesn't help anyone, but hell, it's part of my thinking process), but I am so alone and disillusioned right now, that part of me thinks people would like me more if I was dead. They would think about me more, after I'm gone.


Similar Entries:
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what happened.. March 1, 2012
No Food, No Money on Christmas Day December 25, 2011
I AM LOST August 22, 2010
Live with idiots, not one person has a brain. March 26, 2012

New Comment

By at 12,Feb,12 02:41

meow~ buy a cat or a dog meow~

By anonymous at 12,Feb,12 04:10

This is what you do dear.
Friends come and go,
But maybe you over looked someone?
Just keep trying to make a friend.
Help someone who looks upset.
Just get out there dear.

By at 12,Feb,12 17:40


By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 05:17

I used to have 4 best friends, very special close friends who were always there for me. One got deported, one left to the army, one to the navy and the other left the state. I have groups of friends now but I no longer have that close friend anymore. I know exactly how you feel bro

By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 20:50

I don't know your situation but it sounds like you are having a hard time. Its not easy to feel friendless hopeless and alone. But know are never alone. You are young and don't know some people will come and go in your life. It is sad to see them leave but be happy they came into your life and touched you...just as the many others in the future will spark your soul. Some of those will flit in and out like a comet but others will be constant like the north star. Give it some time...friends and lovers will come. Just keep living! That's the only way to find out. In the mean time join some clubs or groups that interest you. Playing pool? Surfing? Eating oysters? Reading? The world is yours.
P.s. send some love to ur lil sis who's prov having a hard time too. Hugs and best of luck

By Mike at 16,Mar,12 02:01

Hey man, I feel ya on this. Email me up sometime at fly south east at yahoo (no spaces) to chat, and I got skype or whoever else relates to this post.


By Zarina at 10,Dec,15 16:21

where are you guys trying to push this Astro dude on us?? He isnt aamizng just a kid tthats rapping.. Plus this song sucks badly. Looks at her! she looks like a 12 year old spoilt brat and her voice is annoying. OMG!!! Admin! stop posting rubbish. You cant put me on this shit. I wont let you

By Deejay at 24,May,16 20:00

Howdy! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having difcifulty finding one? Thanks a lot!

New Comment