I am not a child I am a 48 year old adult. I have never had one true friend in my entire life. I have had many false friends. I have been teased and picked on pretty much my entire life by family and friends. I have always had low self esteem and I am fairly certain it was due to a shitty childhood. I am not looking for pity I am just venting. I unfortunately have a brain sadly many people think they pick on me and it goes over my head and don't realize I can tell when they are making fun of me, most people really are not smart enough to get away with it, and the dumber they are the more smart they think they are about getting over on people. I have always been used for one thing or another. I was always the good enough when no one else was around kind of person. I have a physical flaw and i am not very attractive. Funny I never knew when I was younger people thought I was too bad they never told me I might have had the confidence to be more outgoing instead of being afraid of never fitting in. I can remember wanting to die as far back as probably 7 years old, I was too young to realize the street I was on had very little traffic so laying in the middle of the street was pretty useless (obviously I was a stupid child) but yes I have always wished I was dead. My mother used the threaten to put me up for adoption all the time and I used to fantasize about what a real family would be like, how would it feel to have someone actually care and not tell you your stupid or that you look retarded? If she wasn't insulting me she was beating me or grounding me until further notice which at times could be a month of nothing but sitting in a room back they there was no tv or computer or iphone) we had one tv in the living room and I was not even aloud to talk to anyone at all after school. Depending on how pissed off she was sometimes it was bed with no supper. Maybe thats why I am a fat adult probably have this fear of going hungry or something. If the bitch drank I would say ok she was a useless drunk but no she was just a mean bitch. She never wanted kids but used us to get what she wanted and to get sympathy if those assholes only knew how she treated us... if they ever once really looked at us they would see the pain in our eyes, of course they just believed we were garbage just like she did. I used to have such a big heart and cared so much about things but I guess I was too weird for people or something because I never managed to make friends and if I did someone better always came along and then I was nothing but garbage to said friend. I probably was really needy since i had no family to turn to. Even today my siblings while they no longer pick on me they really only bother when they need something, money or an ear to listen, god forbid i am not all nice and there for them, god forbid I need to talk or vent they I get the heavy sigh or not taken seriously. I do not have anyone in this life to talk to I tried therapy I never really clicked with anyone, Every job I ever had I have done fairly well in if I applied myself and usually receive good reviews by my superiors but I am always treated less than by most people its like I just annoy people I dont know but I dont think I have a whiny voice? I just don't really care anymore I am at the point of being done with this life. And I do believe if there is a so called GOD he would have to be the cruelest thing ever to have someone that has spent an entire life asking for help to get NOTHING and to live an entire life without friends and to be alone. I was married it would seem just for the amusement of being a literal and physical punching bag. I don't have children so there really is not one good reason I should be here. I am not going to kill myself although I seriously don't know why... I guess it's because I am afraid if I don't succeed I might live and be alone and not actually be able to take care of myself anymore. This like sucks and I pretty much can't stand anyone anymore if there is a god I am praying for a massive freaking heart attack! I mean after all ever since I can remember I have asked what was the point of my being here, I have never done anything that really made a difference. Other than the sheer purpose of being her to be picked on and talked to like I am some kind of asshole to make others feel better? You know I only wish I was dumb because let me just say this ignorance would certainly be bliss. Thanks for listening and I hope it makes your shitty problems seem not so bad... If you have a life and are living be happy if you have friends be happy if your like me and merely existing then I am really sorry for you. | |
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