LIFE SUCKS

I hate my life...

Warning: This story contains drama, a fuck you attitude, ranting, bitching, whining, and overall negativity.

I'm thirty-two with a committed partner.

Living conditions: I live in a low cost two bedroom trailer. Yeah, I never thought it would come to this. I never thought I would be trailer trash. At least we're buying the place.

Although, its not worth the money we spend on it. The floor is falling apart the plumbing gets clogged and the walls are cracking. My neighbors are ghetto rednecks or illegals that could care less about how they live and about their community. There are twenty seven feral cats in our trailer lot. We've counted.

I hate where I live and I hate this state. When I first met my not legally married husband (we call each other that because we can't afford to get married) he told me he had two kids. One that isn't biologically his and another who he will probably never get to see.

We have moved back to this state twice to be with his son. While I don't mind because he is a good father, he didn't make his intentions clear about his children. The other has finally been adopted because his ex wife remarried.

Still half his check goes to the kids until the adoption process is done. I'm fine with one of them because it really is his child and he is a good father. I'm not fine with the other child because he has never seen this child and it is not biologically his. (Long story of adultery and abuse on his ex's part)

Money: I just went to the food shelf a week ago. Before I met my partner I had never been to a food shelf. Not that it is his fault but money has been very tight. We're going to loose gas in a week. Meaning we will have no hot water or use of a stove.

I am a full time college student. Most people can get by with a part time job. I would too if I could find one. After four months of searching I am still jobless. We don't make it check to check. We've already pawned most of our belongings.

The food shelf was a waste of gas. In the state I live in shelters get away with giving moldy expired food. Eighty percent of the food I was given we couldn't eat. I have four cans of corn and eight cans of peaches. The rest I had to throw away.

We have no money for food and I don't know how I am going to make it to school next week with no gas money.

Health: My husband is diabetic. But because he is younger and mostly healthy he qualifies for nothing, nada, that is until he worsens. We can't afford his medication, his test strips, or a doctors exam to check on his condition.

Because he is diabetic his teeth are cracking and falling apart.

I have RLS, and PMDD. I had seizures as a child. My teeth are falling apart as well. We both run through a dangerous pattern. Infected teeth ER trips and antibiotics. We can't afford a dentist and the free clinic, which takes hours to get into if you are lucky, only preforms extractions. One per person per year.

I have a hormonal imbalance but there is nothing I can do about it because I can't afford to be seen. When you're as heavy as I am and have tried everything to loose weight life can seem utterly depressing. Every month I go through a week of emotional instability followed by a week of pain, bloating, and suicidal thoughts...

The last tooth infection landed me in the hospital overnight with possible sepsis. I was given antibiotics told to see a dentist as soon as possible and sent on my way. The ER doctor scolded me for ten minutes about how close I was to having blood poising. Fuck you asshole go play another round of golf!

I injured my arm when I was young almost severing every tendon and nerve. I was close to loosing the limb. Now, at a young age I can't carry more that ten pounds and it is plagued with arthritis.

I'm not some one who has decided to quit have six kids and leach of tax payers. I have no children. I never declared myself emotionally unstable to draw SSI. I'm not in school for quick and easy money. I'm there to change my life.

I'm not a criminal who steals because I think the world owes me. I'm not poor white trash that doesn't know any better or is a drug addict. I don't drone on and on about my illnesses expecting some sort of prize for having a fucked up body.

In other words I am not a low life looser. ...And yet here I am still a looser. Sitting in my trailer leaching internet off a my mother-in-law who constantly reminds me of her "gift." Who really despises me because I am not religiously inclined. I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I hate my life. I don't deserve this. I know I'm not the only person out there suffering like this but I feel so isolated.

Maybe I should say, "fuck it"? Maybe I should use my illnesses to get SSI and food stamps? Pop out four kids and bug every church and donation place in the area? Bawl about how unfair the system is and how the world owes me something? Maybe then I would be living better?

Whatever... I guess this is what I get for being a decent person. For being honest and playing by the rules. I hate this. I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like acid bubbling and crawling up to my throat.

Woe is me? Yeah, your damn straight. If you think I have no reason to bitch or I should just get over it and look at how others have it fuck you. Fuck you and you're good intentions! You see that neighbor you're always shaking your head at? How about that kid with the ripped pants who is always dirty? Or the lady in front of you at the grocery store counting random change to get a small box of ramen noodles or hotdogs? You see that guy outside the hospital who is wearing a dirty jump suit covered in grease? Or the eighteen year old sitting in the chair holding her stomach probably dieing of undiagnosed cancer?

No, if you're telling me to get over it fuck you. You're already dead inside. You're no better than the leaches and the looses who have given up in life.

Life might change for me. I hope so. I am so close to fading out. I'm not sure if I can come back from this. I've dealt with too much already. I could have gone on. Bleed my life onto this site with all the drama, the hardship, the hate I have developed. But it wouldn't matter because the world has already made up its mind. I'm the individual and I don't matter.