I’ve been searching for 'the one' since i was 15- over half my life now. And there have been plenty of almost ones- but something always break. My mother despairs at my low self-esteem, in her words (as only a mother could love me) - 'I’m beautiful, well educated, independent, successful and kind'- and yet- I’m alone. other words of wisdom from my mother- is that 'you'll be treated precisely how you allow yourself to be treated' - and possibly that’s my problem, because despite the master’s degree, an accumulation of assets (house, car and such), being tall and leggy- easy on the eyes- i cannot help myself but attract the most unloving men, that essentially treat me like dirt, then leave (or more often cheat and leave).
I’m recently married- and recently divorced. 3 years ago- i thought that had changed- i met someone that i could trust- he was stable and level headed, and as he always told me- good for me. he was charming at first, but became entirely detached once he had me, and as things would have it, this just made me more emotionally dependent on him- dying for any scrap of his attention that he would deign to throw my way (in between the 7 hours daily of PC gaming, and pot smoking). You would think this realization is what led to the divorce... sadly no. he stayed home- and lived in my house- while i worked (very hard) in a number of countries across Africa. He started to act stranger and more distant each time i returned from a business trip- about 6 months after we got married he got arrested in a shopping centre for acting like a nut case. The police wanted to throw him in jail- as he really was mental- instead i managed to convince them to take him to hospital rather, and i had to have him committed. he spent 3 weeks there- claiming that he was the false prophet from the bible and could perform miracles- and was diagnosed with 2 different personality disorders (what makes this real funny is that i am a social-psychologist). I remember the night i spent with him, when i checked him into the dingy public hospital in Pretoria; it was horrible, trying to keep him calm as he periodically marched around trying to heal the other patients, my heart breaking for his suffering. Only to receive a call on his mobile phone the next morning from the other woman he had been sleeping with. Hence- divorce. 5 months since my divorce and i have heard that my x is doing fine- no signs of madness, and is happy and content with life.
I spent my whole life believing that we are all halves- that we all have a soul mate out there- and if we just listen to our soul and follow our heart - we'll find them- or they'll find us. I don’t believe this anymore. I don’t think i have another half- i think i am alone- utterly utterly alone. so many of us are- we are all here in these crowded spaces talking past each other and lost in our own loneliness. My soul mate? He’s not out there- he doesn’t exist, the happy ever after of fairy tales is just crap to indoctrinate us as kiddies to believe that this world is a nicer place then it really is.
There are some happy couples out there- but not for me, i don’t deserve love it seems. Whatever i am- or how fucked up i must be dictates that i am entirely incapable of having a functional relationship with anyone...
I wanted a family, someone i could love and take care of, someone who would make me feel safe and appreciated. I’m so broken from this, this and all the other heart breaks that have come before- all the broken dreams and promises. But mostly, I’m just so alone, and sadly, the only thing i can do about it is sit up sleepless in yet another hotel, in yet another African country, writing an anonymous post about how lonely and anonymous i feel.
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