It's not that I hate myself entirely. Well, I do too. I blame it on this unfair world. I do hate myself and want to die so badly but I don't want to physically commit the act. I weighted 130-135 lbs at the most with a short but strong 5'3 frame. I used to be a really good marathon competitor. Part of my university's powerlifting team. Had a 3.7 GPA after 2 years in college. Had great and very enjoyable friends and ladyfriends, involved heavily in volunteering and clubs. That was all two years ago.
Now, I'm cohabitating with my evil girlfriend who I am positive that only cares about herself. We had and lost a baby already. That's not even the beginning of what is wrong with us. She doesn't help with rent, water, electricity, gas...just buys food and even at that, she gets angry if I eat it. She has 10k in the bank and she always acts broke. I haven't competed in any kind of physical competition in close to two years, I'm 160 lbs and 5'3. I'm an obese worthless piece of crap. The only thing I have left of my past life are memories in pictures. I avoid any and all contact with my past friends, of whom many have not seen me in over a year. Many still think I am doing well. I can't even go to the mall for fear that someone I know will see me! I ran a mile today in almost 10 minutes. I used to average 9 per mile in a 50mile ultra! I hate my girlfriend. I hate her so soo much. I can't stand it, we always get into fights over the stupidest things. Even driving two blocks, she will find something to fight about. She is so pesimistic and I have always been optimistic and everytime I say something nice about someone or something, she freaks out on me. I talk about breaking up with her and tossing her shit outside of my house and she ignores it and doesn't believe it. She cries and thinks that I will fall for that act. I'm scared that when I break up with her, she's just gonna keep on living with me. There's nothing I can do. I'm trapped. I have tried cheating on her but noone wants me. I have a sick and grotesque sense in me that says I belong to her because of the baby we had. I don't even allow myself to really hit on a girl no matter how badly I want to break up with my girlfriend. I will do anything to end this relationships. I can't stand it. I can't! Someone help me because I can't stand being in the same house with her! But no one will because I have no one.
On top of that, the true love of my life, who I have not seen in TWO years, is in another distant state having the time of her life. I blame my depression, lack of sleep, and every waking hour I think of her on her. I want her. I want her so bad and I know she has changed so much. She was my highschool sweetheart and we always went everywhere together and partied together but I was never man enough to be in a relationship with her. I thought she was way above my league. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. I found out she was in love with me from her brother two years ago and that's when my severe depression kicked in. I think about killing myself or hurting others every hour I can. I can't stand that I can't be with her. She has had a 1-year relationship with a dirtbag boyfriend already and I'm in this 2-year relationship with this evil girl. I think I only dated her to get my mind off of my one true love. I hate myself for doing that. I will never forgive myself. Never.
I'm going to graduate soon with a humiliating 3.3 GPA. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I've had whole 12 hours days in bed where I just lie there and think about my true love. I have LOVED her every single day since I met her in junior high. I remember the first time I saw her. Now I know that when I finally get the balls to end my life, I will die alone, disgusting looking, hateful, and worst of all, full of regret.
"Regret is the biggest R I am feeling right now."
When I die, I will die holding the biggest regret in my life: That I couldn't be with my real love. That I couldn't be with her during her happiest and saddest times. That I could ever be the right man for her.
I hope I die soon enough because a life without her is no life at all. | |
I have read your story and I need to tell you that your life isn't over. You are an amazinng person, who deserves your true love, and a second chance at life. Please don't kill yourself. I am just another human being who feels that you can make this right. I understand that the past haunts you, but you have the power to fix your life. here's what you need to do:
1. stop blaming yourself for your current girlfriend's miscarriage and tell her she needs to leave the house. If she doesn't leave in say a month, take all her stuff and leave it outside the house. She doesn't contribute with rent, so hse has no say in the matter.
2. start running again. You loved it, I can tell from how you put it you love runnning and no one should take that away from you. Start running small, like only one mile. Don't feel bad when you get tired, smile because you started something. eventually you will be able to do more and get fit again.
3, By the way, you are a very good person. You have morals and a conscience. You put up with a bitch for a girlfriend and don't cheat on her when she deserves a peice of crap boyfriend, not you.
4. Anytime you feel lonely or sad, don't lament on the past, imagine a bright future. I can see you again, standing there fit andin the arms of the woman you love.
5. Speaking of her, please please please find her on facebook or call her if you have a phone. This you must do. If you want to change your life you can by contacting her. She loved you once, she can again if you come into her life, as you are now. Don't be ashamed of how you look. You will get fit and get past that. Love sees past outward appearnce to your heart. And you have a really, really, good heart.
6.I know I'm posting as ann anonyomous person so you can tcontact me, but if you update your post i will try to reply. Basically, I'm here for you.
7. Try to reestablish relationships with your family but you know its whatever your comfortable with. Who were you closest too? start with them.
8. I want you to know it's okay to cry. Crying makes people feel better and sometimes we need to.
7. I know that you can achieve some of your goals if you work at them. I have been in very bad times myself but eventually they do get better. Believe in yourself and that you control your life. You CAN DO IT!
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