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Posted by Ocan at February 1, 2012
Tags: 2012 February  Racial  Sexuality

I learned the feeling of hate. Never thought I would.

I'm a legal immigrant that came to the U.S. over 15 years ago. I'm now 21. I'm gay, and was bullied through Middle School and High School. I was slapped, spat on, beat up, and bullied CONSTANTLY. I did terrible in High School because of all the bullying, so I went on to a Community College. I graduated with an AA and with a 4.0, although I did not make any friends and never spoke to anyone. I would just go home and do homework and sit in class. Then I decided to go somewhere I thought would be more "inclusive." However, now I'm going through a new type of discrimination, racism. I live in a place where everyone is white and American, and clearly do not want to associate with me. I tried really hard to fit in, to make friends, and change my life around. I got a job, go into a top college, and have been involved with school and really concentrated on my homework. Seems magical doesn't it? But guess what, my co-workers choose to not associate with me. My teachers give me lesser grades than the ones I have earned, no one wants to be my friend, and my roommates treat me like if I didn't exist, all four of them. I hate my life. I hate everyone around me. I hate the world.

The harder you try, the harder things get. And sometimes the weight is so much on your shoulders that you collapse. Right now I'm at that point. I'm about to lose everything. And the only thing that keeps me from diying is a mother who has done EVERYTHING for me. I'm so sorry that I'm not as good as a son as she is a mother. She works so hard and has done so much for me. I love her so much. But if it weren't for her, today I will not be here. And let it be known that I only live because the thought of having her to go through my loss doesn't let me go in peace. But if something was to ever happen to her, you better believe that I will KILL MYSELF OFF THIS PLANET!!!!!!


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New Comment

By Nadia at 16,Feb,12 00:02

where do you live? i am sorry for what you're going through. you seem so bright and full of so much potential. top college and u have a job. just wait til u graduate and then move yourself and your mom to a city or some place open and liberal with all types of people. so you wont feel so left out or "exotic." best of luck.

By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 18:29

I'm white and I didn't even grow up in a white neighborhood so you can't be living anywhere dangerous or impoverished anyways. You also have a wonderful mother and that puts you in another fortunate minority. People in general have lost their social skills. They mostlty converse with people they either have known a while or who have the same personality type and background as them, don't take it personal. It might be for the bast that you don't get involved with personal relationships at work. You have a 4.0 you have great grades, but if a teacher is being unfair to you, switch to a different teacher/class. The grading system can be very sketchy in College. I have seen a girl offer to suck the professors dick (on the sly) for a passing B for nursing. I generally try to avoid the douchebags.
Friends are hard to come by and again it's probably for the best that you avoid your roommates drama.
Focus on whats important. No-one also has to know your orientation and your preferences may change over time or evolve, I've seen the reverse and my own father was bi.

By anonymous at 16,Feb,12 20:12

I'm sorry for you. You should take the last dudes advice and move to a city though. I'm sorry for the people who are so racist. I'll be your friend. Want my email?

By anonymous.bob at 20,Feb,12 00:36

its a bitch people are so heartless not only to a presons love interests and also so ignorant to see we are all one family the human family , i have lived all over the world and was a minority there , is stinks i love all races and people of all ways of life .. hope your ends well

By anonymous at 20,Feb,12 22:06

I live and work in the San Francisco Bay Area. I like the diversity here. I grew up in a small town in another state where most of the people were white. I've been in meetings where I was the only Caucasian and sometimes the only Natural Citizen.

You have a lot of potential and a lot of things going for you. Don't give up! As other posters have mentioned, find a place with more diversity. You'll go from feeling like the bottom of the pile to being King of the Hill!

Best of luck!
By anonymous at 20,Feb,12 22:08

Oh, and you being gay would work out very well for you if you lived in San Francisco. I used to work in the City and while I'm not gay I remember working with several young men that were. They got a lot of attention...

By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 20:40

move to a gay frendly place. Like Montrose street here in Houston.

By lovechild123 at 02,Mar,12 14:57

im terribly sorry... they just a stupid hoe.. hope things get better

By Microsoft OEM Software at 08,Mar,12 11:03

RRpNwT Great article post.

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