I am 21. I am in community college, my girlfriend has just recently left me, i shoot heroin. I was born empty, and for a while i ignored my conscience. Then i decided not to ignore it because for a while i found faith in Karma, or essentially "what goes around comes around". I don't believe in that anymore. I don't believe in god, and i actually have a pretty strong hatred of all organized religeon's.
I do think their are good people out there. My girlfriend was a great person, nice, sweet, caring, didnt shoot heroin. I wasn't good enough for her. I've been a disapointment to everyone i've ever met. My father abandoned me, but not enough to not actually be there, he still calls to yell at me to do better with my life. He still uses child support pay as a way of saying he WAS a good dad. Yet he left me with a mother who cares more about her happiness than mine, and an abusive step dad and a shitty older brother.
I can remember being lectured and beaten for HOURS, every day sometimes, about how i wasn't smart, how i would never succeed, and what not. My girlfriend said i could succeed, and that i am a great person, she believes 110% just like my good friends (the bad ones shoot dope) that i will succeed in life. They all think im smart, but i can't be smart, i shoot fucking heroin.
My girlfriend never knew, neither did the last one, or the one before that. They all say the same things. "I could never love you the way you love me, your just not my missing puzzle piece, you WILL make someone happy mike, just not me". My pattern with women falls in with my pattern of life.
They tell me to do something i'll enjoy with my life. How can i do that when the only thing i ever really enjoyed was shooting heroin? They tell me i'm a great guy with infinite potential. How can that be when i lie, cheat and steal from basically everyone i know. I stole my friends dead dog's painkillers for christ sake....got pretty jammed too
I've stolen from nearly everyone i know. Friends, family, social workers....i've found a way to lie, cheat and manipulate and steal from all of these people. These stupid people who believe in me.
I cry almost every night since my girlfriend left me.....i wasn't even a good boyfriend....i shot dope and cheated on her. Actually, i have cheated on literally EVERY one of my serious girlfriends. I deserve to die and im too much of a pussy to kill myself. WTF does that make me?
I have a GPA of 3.3. I'm almost done with my associates degree. I have 6 days clean today and after i'm done typing this im going to take a shower and get high. It won't make me feel better....In fact it will probably make me cry. I just keep thinking that maybe I dont deserve to have a good life....maybe some people were born to just kill themselves. Or just can't ever naturally be happy.
I know all of my friends, family and girlfriends would be better off without me. They all know it too. It's better to just do what makes you happy, even if it kills you, because lifes short anyway....I just wish i could've been better, i wish i was better. I wish i believed in myself and believed i had the ability to go on. but i dont.
In the end, i know why this is all true though.
It's because i don't want to get better. It's because i dont want to be a good person. I want it to be this way subconsciencously. I love crying myself to sleep at night for some twisted fucking reason.
I love misery......I love anger.....i love rage......i love heroin
God. Please kill me. | |
your life is tough, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have a lot of potential. if you want to get over drugs try Smartrecovery, you can find it online.
when you are on drugs nothing makes any sense, and it won't make any sense to you get off of drugs. I know, I was there, and I hate drugs, but it's your choice.
I found healing in Jesus. I too know what it means to hit rock bottom. To hate life and myself, wishing I was dead only to continue my bad habits to num the pain. Life was never meant to be like this. Life utterly sucks but you can always find some light in the midst of darkness. Do me a favor and ask God to reveal himself to you. that you are at the end of your rope and you need him bc there is nothing else you can do. People hate God bc of the circumstances in their lives, but its not God whose to blame, its Satan. You believe in good and evil. You know whats rt from wrong. Those standards came from some where. Hate evil not yourself. Take that misery, anger, rage, and heroin and hate it to the point that you wont let it take control over you. Hate it so much that you wont let it devour you. Dont allow it to take your life away. Choose to hate evil and hate the self loathing by starving the satisfaction of hating yourself. Does that make sense? We are meant for more. you are meant for more. You are NOT perfect nor will you ever be perfect so stop setting yourself up for failure. Theres a book called Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. It helped me a lot. What's there to lose? Lastly forgive yourself... its the hardest thing i have to do daily and quite frankly there are more days then not that i want to have a self pity party and just hate myself for not being good enough. Guess what ? I will never be and in order to move on in life I just need to accept what abilities I have and what I dont. Look. Jesus is the only answer. Im not talking about religion. not a church building, not doctrine or traditions, im talking about Christ himself. Christians are hypocritical bc we will never be perfect. Dont hate christ bc christians may have burned you. Seek him. not religion. find a bible and read john. Thats the only hope I have. I pray that you will find the light. He came to set the captives free. He came for you and me. He loved us first knowing what we are capable of doing. He knows our every thought, past, future and he still loves you. I pray for freedom in your life. I pray for joy and peace. I pray for wholeness and healing, I pray you will see yourself the way the God of the universe sees you... no matter what he still and will always love you. praying for you.
You have so much. Don't give up. Good luck.
You are whats wrong with the world. You hurt others to feel good. Don't expect sympathy from us, you would screw us over too! Instead of giving you take. You'd probably get a gf put in jail for robbing a place for you. You can live to get high or live for love. If you chose drugs over people, don't expect people to stick around or for sht to work out for you.
Regards,
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