Every year for the passed three years I find myself in the same place.. Alone and in love with someone I can't have. My childhood was spent in the company of a mostly functional irish catholic american family in the suburbs of Maryland. In middle school my mother left my father and brought me to California where I assumed the role of adult to my mother's emotional needs. I became a loner and my social ability became dormant. High school was suffocating and during the war I was moved to South Carolina with my mom and her new husband who worked for the défense industry. At this moment I had a total break down that left me on psychiatric medication and in & out of hospitals until à few months before my eighteenth birthday in 2004. I was diagnosed as crazy but dropped all pills and treatment due to a natural resiliency that developed upon attending 7 high schools in San Diego and SC. I dropped everything and moved to New York City for film school right after my birthday. School was great and I became obsessed with my recent NY life. I battled with drugs a year later, moved home for six months but recovered then returned to NYC. I worked at a large news company and lived in Queens. In July of 2006 I met the girl who I would be living with, playing music with and in love with for the next three and à half years. We had great times together, I gained a bit of weight but became some what successfull in life. In Febuary of 2010 we split up not by my choice. We were young but I was devastated..she even tried to kill herself which I found out much later. I didn't know how to go on I had no job, no money and I lost my flat. Through some friends I picked myself up and moved to Brooklyn where I again built up my life. This time plagued with sporadic career changes... Real estate agent, rock band manager, director for à would be sitcom that never was.. In October of that year I started dating a good friend and roommates girl, fell in love with her and we moved in together at her co op across from Yale in New Haven. She had borderline personality disorder and was deeply troubled.. She cheated on me at least twice and in January tried to kill me with à bottle of Jack Daniels. I called thé cops and she started punching herself to tell the cops I hit her when I didn't. We still stayed together. In Febuary of 2011 we broke up due to her running off with another guy in Florida. I was so devastated and alone I myself sought treatment and seriously considered suicide. Doctor's even diagnosed me as Borderline but I took that with a grain of salt. I moved into another apartment in Queens which this girl picked out before we broke up.. I began living with à dangerous columbian photographer and this french girl we'll call Natalie.
By May of 2011 I got over thé borderline chick and was now à successfull manager of a nonprofit in NYC. I was doing drugs heavily enough but all in jest. I started seeing à few girls and life seemed normal again. Then during a day at the beach with my french roommate I kissed her under fire works. And at this moment my own fireworks went off. I fell completely in love with her. So much that I could not stand the thought of her moving to Paris without me. I procured a passport and I followed her to France. I stayed with her family on a little Island in thé sea for à couple weeks. When I was about to depart on a ferry to thé south of France I told her I loved her for thé first time. She told me she didn't want to lové me. I moved to London for a month but we did not really talk. I decided to end it by taking à bus to Paris for a week-end. That week-end lasted four months. Up until à few days ago I lived in Paris with her.. I loved her but she claims she can't lové me... I left after we decided it was best, but she called me yesterday crying because she feels alone. I should note she followed à guy to Canada she did lové which is part of her own story. But me I can't stop thinking of her. I feel like we were perfect in everyway and now I am terrified by the thought of losing her. I overstayed my visa so immigrating back is à little fucked. I am again without money, place or job in NYC couch surfing.
So what now? My grandmother who I was close to died of lung cancer last month and I keep suffering over this girl. I imagine her with other guys. I consider all the things I could have done differently. I don't like being back in the states I feel like à foriegner in my own country. I don't want thé océan to collect its wave and remove this experience from my life. Most of all I am afraid of getting older and not getting another shot at à girl as perfect as Natalie. So beautiful, élégant and I fucked it up. I wish this could all just start again. | |
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