I donít know why I am writing this maybe to get some closure, maybe because I have nowhere else to turn....
I am 39 years old and I have finally realized I am my own worst enemy. The thought has crossed my mind before but it was easier to blame someone else. As I write this I have no water, my electricity was cut off two weeks ago (I just swapped the meter and turned it back on ya I know illegal) and they will read the meter on Monday. My rent is due tomorrow and of course I canít pay. It has been an average of two weeks late for months. And my landlord is itching to get rid of me.
My daughter's are due home in two days, I have full custody after fighting to get it for 10 years, have had it for almost two years. And now I am going to lose it. And the bitch is I could have stopped it. Let me back up and tell you about my life......
I was adopted just after birth, by my Mom and her first husband. That lasted until I was three and he ran off with her best friend. We moved around a bit and ended up on the east coast. She worked her but off to take care of me and did a great job. She met and remarried when I was around ten and that when life went downhill.
The man she married had a friend that just happened to like little boys. I got a warning ďif he touches you in an inappropriate wayĒ let us know. And then I got shipped off to guess where to be babysat. (As a parent now myself WTF?!!) Well by now I am sure you can guess where this leads. I will skip the gory details but you get the picture. Grades went downhill, found the bad crowd, and started staying grounded. Now mind you for whatever reason I to this day have never told them. In my mind I think it would just destroy my mom and I still feel guilty.
Skip ahead to high school and now I am at a boarding school and no longer their problem. Until I get kicked out for not going to class and just generally causing problems. Iím now 16 and back home which is just miserable. They donít know it. I meet my first ex wife and fall madly in love (guys always fall for their first). I get caught sneaking to her house and get thrown out on my ass, in the most humiliating way possible. I was working at McDs and get all my clothes handed to me in black garbage bags at lunch rush across the counter. ďIf you are going to shack up with her you might as well move inĒ Would you like fries with that? (asshole). I stayed at mcD's for a couple of months then started bouncing jobs, never could stay in one place long. Young dumb and stupid.
I am now 20 with two daughters. I make minimum wage and still have a problem with authority. Got fired for not tying my shoes of all things. (It was popular in the 80's) I decided to move the Family south, couldnít get far enough away from mom-in-law (controlling witch). And I got a decent job in the oilfield. Starting making decent money but my wife was useless. Be gone for 6 weeks and get home and the baby's diapers are all over the floor, and the dogshit is white because it sat there for 3 weeks. And Iím broke. Well I found the wrong crowd again started partying and staying drunk for the whole two weeks I have been home and sober up just in time to get back on the boat. Did that for about 5 yrs and finally had enough and left. Found a good Cajun girl, and moved in two weeks later. (dumb)
Well I am now 25 or 26 and I am making pretty good money. Still never home long though, working 28 days on and 14 home doesnít leave allot of time. Well I get married so I can try to get my girls a better life, and of course she is the mom and I am an asshole and I get limited visitation, and every time I go to get them I have to get the cops to forcefully remove them. So I give up. By the way I now have three daughters.
In the midst of giving up I find a great substance that makes you numb and forget all your screw ups. Well I didnít find it just got reacquainted (Ya Iím a coke head.)
Sometime in the midst of all this we decide I need to be home to get custody so we mortgage the house and start our own business. Good decision! Now you have more money to blow (he he) stupid. I finally go through all the money and now sheís an addict to. Flat broke and no lights or water (sound familiar) I go back to the boats. I am now making really good money (400 a day) and still somehow seem broke. Well I finally sober up and start fighting for custody again. Almost won too. I had a judge in the state I live agree she was unfit and got temporary custody. Well I pissed off the original judge and he gave them back with limited visitation. So now I donít ever see my girls.
One year later I get a call at 2 am. I am 200 mile away in the middle of the ocean. I answer the phone and I am told to call home asp. I ask what is wrong and it is repeated call home. Well I call my wife no answer, I call again no answer. I call back to the office and I am told that I need to get packed I will be flying out in the morning. Now I wasnít due to go home for another 3 weeks. So I ask why, donít worry everything is ok you just need to go home. Well by now I am worried. So I call my wife back again. Still no answer. Well I decide that I will wake up my mother in law. The good one this time. She answers the phone hysterically and I can barely understand her. What I do understand is my step son is dead, his sister is in a coma and her boyfriend may not make it.
I lost it. I was 200 miles out in the middle of the ocean and I couldnít do anything. There is no worse feeling. I find out throughout the night that they were in a head on collision and he was killed instantly. She was put into a coma to save her life and her boyfriend died while taking x-rays.
It now six am, and I am on my way to the beach. The sun is coming up and it should have been beautiful. But I never saw it. Funny I remember it though, I can see the sun on the ocean and it looks like glass with 1000 diamonds sparking. But I donít remember seeing it; I only see it when I remember if that makes any sense. What I do remember is that I have to call my girls and tell them. They havenít been back since the judge put them in their momís custody and I have to tell them.
It was early but I decided to call anyway. But no one answers. I called back REPEATEDLY and I finally get the ex mom in law. You know what is really wired my ex wife is in the hospital dying of an asthma attack; (I wish I was making this up). I just sat down. I couldnít move. (Ya the witch made it, god works in mysterious ways). I proceeded to inform her of the current situation and I heard my daughter fall to the floor crying. She and her step brother were so close. And I am in the middle of the ocean and canít do anything! (If you think you know what hell is think again).
I finally make it to the beach. I had to catch a speed boat because it was too expensive to pay for a chopper on the weekend. (Overtime.) Of course the oil company made a billion dollars that day. But a 6000 or 10000 dollar chopper isnít in the budget. I bet if the CEO was on the rig that day they would have had a sonic jet pick him up. When I finally touch the ground I am still a 7 hour drive away. And I am just there. I just shut down. I didnít cry, I didnít feel, I was just there. It was surreal. Normally making that trip in is the best feeling. You have been away from home for a month most of the time longer. And it is just great to be on land. So for seven hours I drive well ride then drive. They were decent enough to send a driver, for half the trip.
I finally get home and I walk in the door and I see my wife and she is just gone. Nothing. I walk in and give her a hug and she just sobs. I hold her for what seems only a minute and we are off to the hospital. (It was actually an hour) I walk in to my step daughterís room and she looks so bad (I never did call her step, just makes it easier to follow in the story). They were both little when I met their mom. He was so smart, he was probably a genius. He had won all kinds of scholastic medals, was in his freshman year in college, and spoke 7 languages fluently. Full scholarship, honors, and already had the UN interested in hiring him. (But god works in mysterious ways.)
My step daughter was in the hospital for 4 months, I know I lived there. She missed her brotherís funeral, and for about two weeks every time she would wake up and ask about him we would have to tell her all over again that him and her boyfriend had dead. And every time she would have the same reaction. (If you have ever seen fifty first dates, you might get the picture only this was pure hell). Funny thing is I stayed sober for 4 months straight. I was their everyday, I took her through rehab. Her mom got kicked out for punching a doctor because he was putting her daughter in pain. So I was there the whole time day in and day out.
She finally made it home and we did another six weeks of outpatient therapy. She had a stroke while in the coma due to the seat belt catching her in the throat and no one realized there was any damage. How could they, she had shattered her face, broke most of her ribs, and was bleeding internally. She relearned everything, how to walk, how to talk, eat, everything.
And the sad part is I am just getting started. I still have to tell you about the funeral, igniting the flame for my step sons creamation, the Looney bin, and my drinking a gallon of Marguerita mix a day. But it has been an emotional day, and I am tired. I suppose I will finish again tomorrow.