It's not that I hate myself entirely. Well, I do too. I blame it on this unfair world. I do hate myself and want to die so badly but I don't want to physically commit the act. I weighted 130-135 lbs at the most with a short but strong 5'3 frame. I used to be a really good marathon competitor. Part of my university's powerlifting team. Had a 3.7 GPA after 2 years in college. Had great and very enjoyable friends and ladyfriends, involved heavily in volunteering and clubs. That was all two years ago.
Now, I'm cohabitating with my evil girlfriend who I am positive that only cares about herself. We had and lost a baby already. That's not even the beginning of what is wrong with us. She doesn't help with rent, water, electricity, gas...just buys food and even at that, she gets angry if I eat it. She has 10k in the bank and she always acts broke. I haven't competed in any kind of physical competition in close to two years, I'm 160 lbs and 5'3. I'm an obese worthless piece of crap. The only thing I have left of my past life are memories in pictures. I avoid any and all contact with my past friends, of whom many have not seen me in over a year. Many still think I am doing well. I can't even go to the mall for fear that someone I know will see me! I ran a mile today in barely 9minutes. I used to average that per mile in a 50mile ultra! I hate my girlfriend. I hate her so soo much. I can't stand it, we always get into fights over the stupidest things. Even driving two blocks, she will find something to fight about. She is so pesimistic and I have always been optimistic but now, everytime I say something nice about someone or something, she freaks out on me. I talk about breaking up with her and tossing her shit outside of my house and she ignores it and doesn't believe it. She cries and thinks that I will fall for that act. I'm scared that when I break up with her, she's just gonna keep on living with me. There's nothing I can do. I'm trapped. I have tried cheating on her but noone wants me. I have a sick sense in me that says I belong to her because of the baby we had. I don't even allow myself to really hit on a girl no matter how badly I want to break up with my girlfriend. I will do anything to end this relationships. I can't stand it. I can't! Someone help me because I can't stand being in the same house with her! But no one will because I have no one now.
On top of that, the true love of my life, who I have not seen in TWO years, is in another distant state having the time of her life. I blame my depression, lack of sleep, and every waking hour I think of her on her. I want her. I want her so bad and I know she has changed so much. She was my highschool sweetheart and we always went everywhere together and partied together but I was never man enough to be in a relationship with her. I thought she was way above my league. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. I found out she was in love with me from her brother two years ago and that's when my severe depression kicked in. I think about killing myself or hurting others every hour I can. I can't stand that I can't be with her. She has had a 1-year relationship with a dirtbag boyfriend already and I'm in this 2-year relationship with this evil girl. I think I only dated her to get my mind off of my one true love. I hate myself for doing that. I will never forgive myself. Never.
I'm going to graduate soon with a humiliating 3.3 GPA. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I've had whole 12 hours days in bed where I just lie there and think about my true love. I have LOVED her every single day since I met her in junior high. I remember the first time I saw her. Now I know that when I finally get the balls to end my life, I will die alone, disgusting looking, hateful, and worst of all, full of regret.
"Regret is the biggest R I am feeling right now."
When I die, I will die holding the biggest regret in my life: That I couldn't be with my real love. That I couldn't be with her during her happiest and saddest times. That I could ever be the right man for her.
I hope I die soon enough because a life without her is no life at all.
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That running a mile today was a START. Keep running and you will get back to your old record in no time. You have to work hard for it. It seems like you really want to turn your life around and get back on track. It happens to all of us and really 160 pounds is really NOT that much weight for a guy. You're only carrying 20 extra pounds. It's not really that much. Get back to running and drink lots of water. Just give up soda and juices, basically calories laden drinks and you will lose so much weight. And keep up the running. Just 3x a week. Will do wonders. In one month, you will lose 10 pounds as a result if you do this. And really get yourself together. You are young and not in such a bad predicament. Just leave this girl who is holding you back and get back with old friends to motivate you and help you out. Best of luck.
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