Really, my life isn't the worse, but i am making them the worse.
I can't be happy. Something is seriously wrong with me, I'm messed up.
It's just the usual stuff-
Being alone since kindergarten, being attacked by people and getting hurt by them.
The only person I really considered as my friend backstabbed me, and this shit hunts me until now. It was fucking 4 years ago and it still hunts me like hell.
People continue to fuck me up all the time. I'm getting hurt with no limits. I'm trying to hide everything, and I am hiding it well. I'm living a life that isn't mine. I'm playing someone else, someone that I'm not. I just do that because I don't want people to know the real me and what I'm going through. The people that hated me for all the 6 years I have been at elementary school made me the monster they saw me. I'm fucked up now. I'm a bad person, ruthless and heartless. I have crazy things on my mind all the time. I do things that I'm not proud of myself doing them. I can't be happy, I just don't feel happiness. It's a chaos inside of me. I can't find a reason to live. Nothing makes me happy and I'm fucked up big time. I'm not with good relations with my parents as well, they don't understand me and most of the time they just don't give a fuck about me, especially my dad.
I can't stop thinking about committing suicide since I was fucking 11.
I'm 16 now. I almost committed suicide when I was 12, but I couldn't I was too afraid. I swore that shooting myself will be the only way to end this, and I swore that when I'll go to the army and get a gun I'll do it. Just 3 more years...
I also can't stand being next to people in some kind of intimate moment,
because I was raped when I was 10 and I have a trauma. That's why I also don't like being exposed- meaning going to the pool or something with minimal clothing. It freaks me out. People think I'm ready to have a boyfriend or something but the truth is I don't want to have one or be in relationship in general because I don't like people, I hate them, I can't trust them and I don't want to either. I'm traumatized and I know that no one can love me as the person I am, because I'm fucked up and I became a monster. I always got into fights and all the world was against me, even the police. and Hell, it was only when I was fucking 9 until 12 years old! This world is shit... What the fuck am I still doing here? Alive? I want to die. There is no hope and no happiness. | |
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