From as far back as I can remember, I have not maintained a personal desire to live. It isn't due to my upbringing or a traumatic experience. I've had the same hurdles as the average person. I have a good mother, father, and younger brother. I have things that I enjoy; writing, acting, music, movies. But at the end of the day I find myself constantly pleading for death. It's been this way for a very long time. I've seen shrink after shrink, and while some sessions have helped me understand certain facets of my thought process and personality, I don't feel that I'm any further along.
I've never been much for desiring much. Food, drink, and a roof over my head. The prospect of wealth has never been a major factor for me. The only reason I'd want to obtain a large amount of money would be to give my parents the kind of luxury and life they deserve for being the best damn parents a guy could ask for. If I wrote an amazing bestselling novel, if I won the lottery, if I struck oil; what then? Material things don't interest me and neither do relationships.
Ive attempted suicide on a couple of occassions, the last of which was fairly recent. Each incident was either a failed one or a miscalculation. But both were sort of a half baked attempt. It isn't that I don't know how to do it; I could down a bottle of pills, slit my wrists or jump off a roof. It'd be easy enough. I have literally thought about this every single day my entire life. But I can't do it. Not because I'm scared, but because I think of what it would do to my parents and brother. The four of us are all really close. My death, my release, would destroy them completely...
It is because of this reason I'm still here...I love them too much to kill myself, but I have no desire to be here. I love them, and yet subconsciously I hate them for trapping me here. I'm not overly cynical. There are good things and good people in this world just as there are bad things and bad people. I just simply want no part of it. I feel...completely trapped, like I'm in limbo. Why does death strike down those who don't see it coming or deserve it, yet completely ignore those who call out for it?....
Don't call me pathetic, or unstable. I'm just different from the rest of you. Some people want families, fame, wealth, a picked fence and house. All I want, is to cease. | |
I had a great childhood and teenhood. I'm in my 40s now.
I've travelled the world already. I've had good friendships, and romances. I've done all that shit that Hollywood/media tells us what a good life is.
But I've always hated life. I don't know why the fuck we live. I don't know why birth is forced upon us.
You say you feel completely trapped. Exactly. I've always thought that "life is nothing but a death sentence."
And fuck that goddamn poster who probably trolls the net looking to talk about Jesus any chance he/she gets.
So sick and tired of pseudo-Christians that don't know what the fuck they're talking about, but act like they know everything.
They think everytime they evangelize, they're stocking up points in heaven. Arseholes.
And to the second commentor who suggests volunteering, philosophy, etc.....meh. You don't quite understand either.
Life is just something that's forced on us by two people who got together to fuck. And then we're stuck with it until we die.
This is God's plan? Great plan.
You've had good romances? I doubt that. Love is all that matters.
Nobody needs your comments on here. This is for people who agree that life sucks, not for self-righteous pricks like you to come in here and call people ungrateful. Jackass.
How is your life without Jesus? Are you happy? I'll tell you what, Jesus has given me joy that I couldn't find in money or woman etc.. Diss me all you want but I want others to find true joy, whats wrong with that? I'm not saying I know it all, but I do know what jesus has done for me and how the bible has prophecies that have come to past (ie israel being reformed) and the fact that a man named Jesus did live and die on the cross (athiests argue over the reasons why he died and that he didn't come back to life, but basically all historians agree he lived) Anyway, I just wish you knew where im coming from, whether you agree with me or not, im not trying to be self righteous, judging, or annoying, I'm just explaining whats worked for me and others I know.
Regards
FINAL answer---a paraphrase.
“Arguing with anonymous strangers on the Internet is a huge waste of time, because they almost always turn out to be—-or are indistinguishable from—-self-righteous
16-year-olds who have infinite amounts of free time.”
Troll.
ive felt the same way before. it's depression. it's wanting nothing, wanting to do nothing, dragging yourself to the motions of life and looking forward to nothing. i suggest you get some anti-depressants because i took them and they made me feel better. i also very much love my family and want to be there for them and that is why i continue to live. it seems you do have something to live for and that is your wonderful family. so get help because of them and live to make them happy. don't be selfish and think me, me, me. help them out and find a purpose. find something that gives you a bit of joy. something else to live for.
Trust me,..the "want" aspect of it isn't the issue. There's nothing I want more. I've fantasized about it every single day of my life. I just keep thinking of what it would do to them. How much it would screw up my brothers life. I don't sit here and try to kill myself every week. These incidents are very few and far in between. I am currently seeing a therapist and hes a good doctor but my perception just doesn't seem to be changing. I'm already on one medication that doesn't seem to be doing anything.
Yes. I too love my family very much and would want nothing more than to provide for them and care for them and be there when they need me....But...isn't that only living for someone else? What kind of existence is it to only live for satisfying others? I do believe in helping people. I do that all the time. But it just keeps boiling down to the fact that this world has nothing that I really want. Nothing.
Love is the most important thing
-period.
Sure, there are times when i wonder what it would be like to have someone. But human beings are too fickle, unpredictable, hypocritical, and just delusional. I'm not putting myself on a pedestal, I'm just as flawed as everyone else.
I've tried relationships, and they just never work for me so i just stopped trying. Im not cynnical about love, I applaud those who manage to find their soul mates. I on the other hand, well, love just isn't for me. I don't want anything to do with it.
P.S.
There is no god. Learn to evolve before giving people advice.
Void: I am truly sorry that you are in pain. But you aren't alone. An unbelievable number of people have wonderful lives but suffer from this depression. Don't give up just yet. The world is vast and you may find that there is something to fill the 'void' in your life.
I wish you luck and a long, happy life.
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