I guess it goes back to the moment I realized I wasn't physically a boy. It sounds weird, maybe, but as a toddler and a young child, I didn't realize the distinction. I just always felt like a boy, in mind and soul. When I realized I wasn't the same, I thought I was broken. Ever since, I've felt the same way for every day. Songs that are romantic and should make you feel good, only make me feel bad, because no girl will ever see me as a real man. Some may be able to feel right with the surgery, but to me it is like sewing wings on a dog. It may look like a bird, but it'll never fly. I feel like God is punishing me for some past life where I was Hitler or something. I look like a boy. I was always confused with one. I'm half black, so my hair is curly and so people would always call me a boy or couldn't tell. We moved around a lot and every time I had to start at a new school, I could see that same look I always got...is it a girl or a boy. I never wore dresses, except when my mother made me and I've always been masculine in my mannerisms and choices in clothes and stuff. I've been called all sorts of things, Cousin It, Pat. On top of all that, I'm fat and short and poor too. I had to come out as gay, which makes me laugh sometimes because -that- was more easier than explaining how I feel. I hate my body. It mocks me every time I look at it, telling me I will never be the man I feel like inside. I'm on disability and I hardly leave the little room I rent. I'm getting fatter and I know it's going to kill me. I used to be afraid to die, but now I just wish some morning I just didn't wake up. I wish I could talk to God and ask him why he doesn't love me. I always looked different, because of my mixed heritage. My brother is half too, but he looks more white and can pass. I do not. It was always My mother and brother with pale skin and straight hair and then me with the tinted skin and curly hair. I have no gifts or talents. I'm not good at anything. I never had many friends and I hated school. I hated dances. I couldn't be the boy asking the girls to dance. I wanted to be so bad. There were girls I've had crushes on and once I told a girl right after I left high school and went back the following year to stand by the bus stop where she would catch the bus. We'd been friends, well in school we'd talk anyway. We did drama club together, we were on crew, I told her I loved her and one of her guy friends gave me a bloody nose and she laughed at me. I used to dream I would somehow become a boy and she would fall for me and we would date. I knew she couldn't feel the same. I was just the fat girl who people didn't like that much. There were others, before and after too, all the same. I was lucky I didn't tell them how I felt. I've been with a couple girls, but it's not the same. It will never be the same. I am still a girl in their eyes and I have to call myself gay, when I'm really not. I used to pray to God to change me to make me a boy, but he never did. I don't know if I believe in him. I want to. I think I will die alone. I won't ever be called husband or daddy and that's what makes me cry the most. I feel like I can never really ask anyone to feel bad for me, because I know so many people out there have it so much harder, but for me it's the end of my life. A man without a leg can get a fake one, but he's still a man. A woman who is blind is still a woman. There is nothing I can ever do to fix what is wrong with me, only God could and he chose not to. So I am stuck here wasting time until he lets me die, because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.