I am 17 and since i was about 13 or 14 i have suffered from severe off on depression. I don't think its my sorroundings because my family are quite normal. I have no friends now, but i used to have when i was younger. When i became 13, three things hit me unexpectedly, (1. I tried to get friends in my new school, but i didnt fit in anywhere and people just laughed at me. (2. After trying & failing with people, i started suffering off on depression and had my first desire to kill myself as I saw everything as pointless. (3. I realised I was gay, and don't start the whole choice/evil thing, it came into my mind without any sort of choice. I was so angry at everyone that i was gay. why the fuck couldn't i have been normal. After that I got threw quite a lot of good and bad times but it is as if when i am in a depression cycle, i forget that i was ever happy. As far as having no friends goes, I do talk to people and can get on ok but i just haven't the courage to ask to hang out with people, which seems to come so naturally to others, and i am very self concious in groups and hate any sort of spotlight. At times i get paranoid as well. I don't think i will ever kill myself but sometimes i want to. I don't want to tell anyone this in person because im so embaressed, i just wish my mum would accidentally come upon something like this note so i wouldnt have to say anything. If only I had the courage to go to the doctor and get some pills. Seriously i think i'm bi-polar. I get thoughts stuck in my head and i get worked up about nothing. I know it sounds selfish in a world of so many poor people, but i just wish i could relax forever with only comforts, because i just cant cope. I believe i may end up in a mental institution or living off some sort of disability claims going to a councillor once a week, and i would be happy with that, i just hate that i have to be treated as normal in my life now. | |
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