How to overcome
your powerty demons

Stop Anxiety
and panic attacks

Save Your Relationship
No Matter How Bad
Your Situation Appears

Get Paid For
Using Social Sites!

LIFE SUCKS

Stories submitted by real people.

[Tell Your Story]

Categories:

Abuse  Addictions  Alcohol  Anger  Anxiety  Appearance  Attitude  Bad Luck  Childhood  Crime  Death  Disappointment  Drinking  Drugs  Environment  Failure  Family  Friendship  General  Health  Independent circumstances  Job  Justice  Juvenile problems  Life Story  Loneliness  Meaninglessness  Mistakes  Money  Philosophical  Poverty  Prank  Racial  Relationship  Religion  Reputation  School  Sexuality  Society  Sociopathy  Stepdad  Stepmom  Stress  Tragic Events  Unemployment  Violence  


Archive by Month:
July 2012
2012 June
2012 May
2012 April
2012 March
2012 February
2012 January
2011 December
2011 November
2011 October
2011 September
2011 August
2011 July
2011 June
2011 May
2011 April
2011 March
2011 February
2011 January
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
2010 September
2010 August
2010 July
2010 June
2010 May
2010 April
2010 March
2010 February
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
May 2008
February 2008
January 2008


Ads:

Depressed

Posted by lonely at February 15, 2012
Tags: 2012 February  Relationship

I am married, am 33. I have 3 kids. My marriage, we have always been fighting. ALWAYS. It's been so difficult, we separated for 8 months once, only physically. I went to a different country from whee we met with my daughter, he stayed with our sons. Even though we are married, I have always felt as if I was still single. He doesn't see it that way. He will kick me out the house/flat when we fight for example or he won't buy me clothes though I am not working. I feel so trapped. It got to a point where we were sleeping on separate beds.

I would always be with our three children while he would always be working.

He lied a lot to me. To the point that he actually went to a different country and never told me. (and many other lies both big and small, unnecessary in my opinion) I know now he visited his family and nobody knew he had not told me. He said it was because I would get upset.

In any case, at some point I would go to sleep crying because he would not want to talk to me and ignored me, sleeping separate beds as I mentioned. I would say "we need to talk about our relationship" and he would flat out say "we don't have a relationship" and turn away and sleep. I would just stay awake having all sorts of horrible thoughts.

I ended up cheating on him online. Previous to that, I had felt like all my life was devoted to making this relationship work.

In spite of it all, I told him about the infidelity two weeks into my affair. (cybersex and chatting,lovey dovey emails)

He basically didn't care about what I confessed. I am not sure if he believed me or not. I think he would never think that about me as I am very open and honest and can't keep a secret, really. I just never would do that and see infidelity in the worst light.

I kept in contact with the online guy and the guilt kind of faded away, since I began thinking maybe my husband didn't really think we had a relationship or saw me as anything other than the mom of his children.

One day he came home, however and went crazy. He asked me if I had really been cheating on him and I said "yes" And he broke the modem, threw my phone (with internet) wanted to break my laptop...

He hit me worse than ever before. I had a black eye and he wanted to pee on me. I left him that night even though I had nowhere to go. I do have friends but never confided in anyone to the point that I would tell them the extent of the abuse in our relationship, specially because we have kids.

After that, I came home and he begged me to forgive him. I do love this man but I feel like all the fighting/ abuse/ emotional distance took its toll. I stayed but by now I was really confused. I still kept in contact with that online guy. I was very happy and can honestly say, I fell in love again. But I didn't want to leave my kids or my husband. No matter what, 11 years were not nothing. And again, how could I compare a fresh new relationship with one like ours?

My husband hit me three more times, in a note worthy way, because I was still checking my mail for the online guy. (When i say noteworthy way, I mean, I had bruises all over or had blood. As opposed to when he hits me and doesn't leave any marks)

In the end, things ended with the online guy. He wanted me to basically marry him and move to the US. I hardly knew him though and I couldn't do that to my kids. He got engaged but they split up. Even to this day,( a year on of not contacting each other at all) I think about him. I think about how romantic he was, how much fun we had when we chatted, how open I could be with him. How much he complimented me.

Every time my partner and I fight and he hits me or starts saying I am a whore, slut, worthless, etc, etc... I think about that.

I wasn't allowed near the internet for many months, but recently we had built enough trust that he let me. I had started having friends who were toning up online. I would wake up and do exercise and message them and feel good about myself. One day, he just took the modem and called me a whore and more. I still don't know why he did that. He's given me the modem back but he just gets angry about it. He just doesn't trust me.

I don't want to wake up somedays. I really understood how hurt he felt but sometimes I think, well he didn't care about how I felt when I was next to him, wishing to have some hugs/kisses or just exchange sweet words. I would tell him directly what i needed but he would explicitly say "I am not giving you a hug/ compliment/ a kiss--" And I would ask "why?" And he would just say " I am not" He didn't care when i cried. He didn't care how I felt, so why would I care how he felt when I was having an affair?

Many times he said no one would ever love me, I looked old and ugly and was an ugly bitch, etc. I was so worried but the online guy saw my pictures and always said I was so beautiful. He even dedicated me the song "Can't take my eyes off of you" and wrote me several poems.

But I tried my best to let it all go. I tried my best and he still accuses me.

I don't feel like waking up anymore. I don't feel like working out, or anything. I recently met some girls on a lunch, and want to make friends... But I keep thinking that if they dig around a bit more, they will see how miserable I am. I feel like it's all so pointless.

I just wish I could have the courage to jump out the window or something.

I fantasise about killing myself a lot.

And that's it.



Votes:


Similar Entries:
Depressed & lonely March 22, 2012
Depressed? March 10, 2012
am I depressed? May 17, 2012
Fuck it... March 23, 2012
Why is everyone so depressed? April 16, 2012



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 23,Feb,12 21:48

You are an adult. Do not let this idiot tell you what you can and cannot do. Leave this situation. You may be miserable at the beginning, but is it any worse that this? Get a job at Walgreens or a supermarket, get an apartment and get the hell away from this prick. You are worth more than this. Do it, you can do this.


By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 15:07

Wouldn't it be great if Wal Greens could save us all...


By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 19:31

go to the DTA (dept of transitional assistance) with your kids and tell them that your boyfriend is betaing you and you need help. They have help for battered mothers.
By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 19:31

*beating*
By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 19:34

Oh you are not in USA? that is bad. Do you have parents? Maybe you should tell your friends the extent of the beatings so they know it is a serious matter. Talking to a guy online isn't even cheating. Furthermore if the guy wanted to piss on you he is a pervert and sadistic.


By Adobe OEM Software at 07,Mar,12 05:34

jWjgNZ Hey, thanks for the article post. Really Great.


By anonymous at 03,Apr,12 15:27

When I read your story, I could swear I wrote it. I know EXACTLY how you feel but I left my husband.

Now the problem is, I told my online mate, that my husband and I are done. But we are not, because my husband has been trying his best to win me back, and sadly its working.

I also told my husband I love him. I feel just as fucked up as you do, and it sucks.


New Comment