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to live or not to live

Posted by anonymous at May 8, 2010
Tags: Family  Health  2010 May  Money  Sexuality

i'm clinically depressed. i tried medication but stopped cuz i cancelled my health insurance. it didn't work anyway. i have social anxiety disorder which causes nausea in anxious times. i feel like i'm always the outcast in life. i'm the middle child, i was born with several defects (heart murmur, visible birthmark on my face, cyst on the side of my head), being a minority of a minority (i speak a different dialect of chinese), i turned out gay, always the smallest guy, super shy esp. when i'm depressed.

i didn't have many friends growing up, i was the kid no one wanted on their team in gym class, my mom tried to give me away to my uncle one time, i'm not close to my family at all. my siblings and i have distanced each other over the years, and i can only have superficial conversations with my parents cuz their english sucks (my chinese sucks too). my parents think that love is money. in a way, they kind of live their own separate lives too, just give us food, just the necessities. i get so jealous whenever i see a father and son moment cuz i never had any of that.

my parents are now bankrupt and they maxed out all my credit cards. i foolishly co-signed 2 student loans for my sis who has now withdrew from classes, now in repayment status and she won't work. they're defaulted so my credit is shit. i got into a fight with her so i ain't paying for that shit. i want to move out but now i'm afraid they'll require a credit check. i feel like i'm stuck in life.

i hate my job. i commute 2 hours each way and this time alone always give me time to think about suicide. i've been thinking about suicide so much lately, to end all these unnecessary and abnormal problems. but there's always that stupid lingering piece of hope that life will get better, so i keep getting confused by these extremes, ultimately getting me nowhere. i cry a lot. sometimes it eases the pain.

being gay is also a huge impact on my life. i avoid normal guys cuz all they ever talk about is girls, beer, and sports, which i don't like. i've never met any gay people so i feel so secluded in this world. i've always wanted a family, just be normal like everyone else but i can't. i'm what u call a straight-acting homosexual cuz no one would ever guess i was gay, and being how mentally fucked up i am, it's difficult to come out to anyone in fear that they may judge me before they get to know me.

i feel like my life these days have been a cycle of endless misfortune and i'm constantly attacked by bad news on a daily basis. sometimes i just want to say, ok life u win, u win. and finally end myself. but that lingering hope...


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New Comment

By anonymous at 23,May,10 10:36

thats really horibble..parents,siblings,love.everything and everyone disappointed and hurt you.still you give life a 2nd chance everytime shit happens.thats really really brave and nobel.overdosing sleeping pills is is a fucking wound that never heals in a eternity.
By anonymous at 23,May,10 10:37

the last sentence was depressing but you might be right.
By anonymous at 23,May,10 10:39

its partly lifted from the keanu reeves movie''street knights'' .
By anonymous at 01,Jun,10 13:33

the movie is called street kings

By anonymous at 12,Aug,10 08:56

The credit thing wont be that bad during these times. Really.

the medication didnt work because you dont have the conditions that the medications really do fix. there is a difference between a social disorder- associated with anxiety in groups, fear od judgement, feeling like an outcast, not being able to speak eloquently.

you are not sick if the medicine didnt fix it. You are inexperienced and self conscious in social situations. You are preoccupied with what faults you wonder if other people notice- am I right? This is probably SOCIAL- not physical. The only cure for it is experience- the same kind of socialization process all of us had to go through to learn how to behave and what to expect from society.

Its not a chemical imbalance where actual substances do not exist or operate correctly within your body. My mother has schizo-effective manic depression. She takes medications, because her body physically CANNOT produce the hormones necessary for clear judgement and general well-being. There is a very clear and serious difference between that and anxiety brought on by someone being socially unequipped for social situations.

PLEASE do NOT risk your physical health by being on medications you do not need- medications WITH side effects. You can develop a dependency, where your brain senses and overload of a certain 'happy' chemical and pulls back its own production- making you actually physically Dependant on the drug, so that your own body cannot make it properly anymore. PLEASE work on experiencing and handling anxiety- which does seem possible, despise the stupid dick doctors who proscribed you with a happy pill instead of explaining to you that you must do something much more THOROUGH and sensible, like LEARN how to deal with things.

...dont get me started on that BS.... I could seriously reem some of those short sighted, one-visit diagnosing doctors... if you got diagnosed in one visit, please go find that doctor and tell him that its not POSSIBLE to diagnose a PHYSICAL, CHEMICAL condition in ONE VISIT!

I have to stop typing before I get too angry.

anyways. Dont be self conscious- no body knows anything about you anyways,so when you meet people its not like you've got your issues all out there- and try to experience social situations more often so you can get used to them, and experience how your anxiety levels can come down. Try behavioral modification therapy, or exposure therapy. it works for PTSD often, so its worth a shot. Look up the theory, and have a friend- all in moderation of course. Have sensible courage, and good luck.

By anonymous at 12,Dec,10 01:01

Just watch online porn and you'll be fine-

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