i'm clinically depressed. i tried medication but stopped cuz i cancelled my health insurance. it didn't work anyway. i have social anxiety disorder which causes nausea in anxious times. i feel like i'm always the outcast in life. i'm the middle child, i was born with several defects (heart murmur, visible birthmark on my face, cyst on the side of my head), being a minority of a minority (i speak a different dialect of chinese), i turned out gay, always the smallest guy, super shy esp. when i'm depressed.
i didn't have many friends growing up, i was the kid no one wanted on their team in gym class, my mom tried to give me away to my uncle one time, i'm not close to my family at all. my siblings and i have distanced each other over the years, and i can only have superficial conversations with my parents cuz their english sucks (my chinese sucks too). my parents think that love is money. in a way, they kind of live their own separate lives too, just give us food, just the necessities. i get so jealous whenever i see a father and son moment cuz i never had any of that.
my parents are now bankrupt and they maxed out all my credit cards. i foolishly co-signed 2 student loans for my sis who has now withdrew from classes, now in repayment status and she won't work. they're defaulted so my credit is shit. i got into a fight with her so i ain't paying for that shit. i want to move out but now i'm afraid they'll require a credit check. i feel like i'm stuck in life.
i hate my job. i commute 2 hours each way and this time alone always give me time to think about suicide. i've been thinking about suicide so much lately, to end all these unnecessary and abnormal problems. but there's always that stupid lingering piece of hope that life will get better, so i keep getting confused by these extremes, ultimately getting me nowhere. i cry a lot. sometimes it eases the pain.
being gay is also a huge impact on my life. i avoid normal guys cuz all they ever talk about is girls, beer, and sports, which i don't like. i've never met any gay people so i feel so secluded in this world. i've always wanted a family, just be normal like everyone else but i can't. i'm what u call a straight-acting homosexual cuz no one would ever guess i was gay, and being how mentally fucked up i am, it's difficult to come out to anyone in fear that they may judge me before they get to know me.
i feel like my life these days have been a cycle of endless misfortune and i'm constantly attacked by bad news on a daily basis. sometimes i just want to say, ok life u win, u win. and finally end myself. but that lingering hope...