I have a bad case of eczema (rash on my skin) on my whole body so it is visible in t-shirts and makes me feel even more like a freak. I have some very evil thoughts sometimes and I really hate myself for them. I am often lazy and don't do things the way I should, in short I really hate myself. Also I hate my job, it's shit and even a monkey could do it but it is also very stressful sometimes, however usually it's just boring. A lot of the staff I work with are also complete idiots and very annoying. I had some gay experiences years ago so I hate myself for them as well, and occasionally I still have some gay thoughts which make me hate myself even more. I am very paranoid about people from work finding out about this as well as most of them don't really like gays and I would definately have problems if they found out. Just to clarify though, I am not really gay, not even bisexual really in my opinion, the gay incidents happened when I was very young and it was only because I was horny and drunk the first time then I became confused because of the first incident. In fact I said that I was gay when I was younger because I was so confused but I really was not however I disgraced myself in the process.
When I was younger I always thought I would eventually become successful, not massively successful just in a job that pays relatively well, at the minute I'm working in a job which I hate which is very demeaning dirty work wiping bums. Also me and my girlfriend argue quite a lot, it's got better recently but still she stresses me out a lot. Also I have a few issues with her, one issue is her past she admitted with me after we'd been going out around 1 year that she'd had 20 previous 'boyfriends' and that I'm the 21st. She said that she had most of these when she was at university which wasn't for long, i.e around 2 years. So basically she's just admitted to me in my opinion that she was a slut. She denies this and gets very angry if I say anything about it but it just makes me lose a lot of respect for her. Although I don't say anything to her about it because I have no right to question her as I have done many disgraceful things sexually such as seeing prostitutes and some homosexual encounters. I really hate the area I live in, it's full of crime and immigrants. Basically my girlfriend digusts me, I disgust myself, and sometimes I hate her, I hate other people a lot of the time, but number one I hate myself. There are a lot of other things as well that I can't write on here.