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I hate my life

Posted by Randy at February 17, 2012
Tags: Childhood  Drugs  2012 February

I am a 19 year old college student, i was raised with a murderer for a father and a pretty good mother i amthankful for that.When i was young i was yelled at till i cryed i feel as this was a big problem with me, my father is a poor man addicted to cocaince and marijuana, he lives in a trailer, the roof was blown off in a hurricane, or atleat the second roof so now when it rains, he puts buckets out to catch the water, he would rather spend his money on drugs then fix it.I used to love the rto c it rain, now i feal sad because i know my father is on bucket padrol. He has murdered plp, i havent ever seen this but my mother has told me. when i was young i was tricked into masturbating a man off, at such a young age i had no idea what i was doing, even tho it wasnt like i got but fucked it still hurts i got taken advantage of. My mother eventually got a divorce from my father aftertons of abuse, like hitting and kicking, one night he attemped to murder her, by cutting her neck open. I know all these things about my father but i still love him,sometimes i hope he would die just so i dont have to worry about him anymore.As i entered turned 2 i started experimenting with lots of drugs, i smoked marijuana for 6 years straight, i did lots of cocaine, one time i stole 600 dollors from my mom just to by a oz off cocaine. I mainly blame my depression on extascy i have done at least 300 pilss of x in my life time, some times i felt like dieing after words , and honestly i would have rather been dead. I have taken acid, ketamine, xanax,r2s, c, salvia,dmt, whip its, lots of alcohol, crack, ampetamines, adderall with out a presciption, so i dont think all this had a positve role in my up brings, i was fat my whole life, picked on by the other kids, i alos had a speech problem, at the age of 16 i joined a mma academy this helped alot about mental problems, i lost all my weight now i am thin, but i still strive for perfection and i can never get it, i have never loved any body my whole life besides my family and i dont think im even capable.Now im 100 percent drugs free and i still dont feel all quiet there if u know what i mean. Im am in college doing the right thing but i always feel inadaquit, i wish i would just die, but i dont have the guts to comit suicide.


Votes:


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Comments:
By anonymous at 24,Feb,12 20:14

It is hard to stay drug free even after decades of sobriety but I am proud of you. Doing drugs does not make you a better person or more enlightened (esp. not coke, e, zanax and amphetamines etc.) You don't want to wind up like your old man. I knew an addict who sold his mother's engagement ring. I held it against him cuz I thought how could someone do such a thing? But he made a good living for himself eventually as an artist and an art teacher.
there is no doubt you were hanging out with the wrong crowd. Im glad you have come to acknowledge that you need to stop there are people into their 30s who have not come to that realization. Please stay strong and focused. Congratulations on the weight loss. I hope you already have a career in mind and there are opening in the field you are getting your degree in.
E can make you get a surge of happiness, but it's all at once and it drains you to the point of depression so you need to pace it. Thats the natural thing to do. Its there inside you. Be good.


By at 25,Feb,12 03:58

bppwnp


By anonymous at 25,Feb,12 11:43

My advise is don't fuck care for your family and the trick is to take care for yourself.You are the God for your life and after life.

Take care,

ymlatt@gmail.com
By anonymous at 25,Feb,12 13:07

Total lie. If you are the God of your life why aren't you rich & famous? And why do you have to struggle to learn a skill? If you don't care abut your family then what do you have? Nothing, dying alone another bitter idiot screaming Oh God have mercy.


By anonymous at 25,Feb,12 15:53

fck u u fcked ur own life wat the fck is wrong with u my life is even worse than u yet i dont give up (am 21 i was in a ganged i commited murder when i was just 11 i got people who want me dead and are working for it i smoke but not so often parents divorced long time ago fcken dont see any of them since i was 8 yet am trying to fix my life didnt yet think of suicide lmao when i read ur stories i feel that other people are living a peaceful life)
By anonymous at 21,Mar,12 22:31

you spell really nice.Did you learn all that at school?


By at 26,Feb,12 01:15

congratulations for quitting the drugs and losing weight and for going to college. you are on the right path and you have been through so much. that is a huge accomplishment. you should really be doing some motivational speaking and sharing your story with others about how drugs are not the way to go. how they ruined your father's life and almost yours. please don't kill yourself, you've survived so much to just throw all that away.... why not join a support group about becoming/staying clean?

if you are capable of love and feeling that emotion, you are capable of feeling it for anyone. just make sure that they are worth loving. you have a lot of ahead of you and find out about what it is that makes you happy. do you want to help others going through drug abuse? what is it that you want to do? find something that motivates you, that gives you a purpose, that gives you something to look forward to.

i really wish you the best and admire you for all that you have done. g-d bless.


By anonymous at 26,Feb,12 05:16

let be have faith...many years ago there was a boy, who was crowded with horrible and tension full environment..no support no education later he went on marijuana and cocaine and started to spoil his life but he got a dream which he protected..the day he realized if this is one and only one life and there is no second chance then i have to act on it and he dropped drugs and went to pursue his dreams....he slept on streets, sometimes out side the theater....later and after the fury and burning dream and faith that kept him alive turned to be true like said in bible "if u have faith as small as seed, command ye mountain to move its place and it will be done to you"....and later that boy got what he wanted and all the world knows him as the Oscar winner for best actor in Scent of a woman..its legendary AL Pacino....he too was a human being with two arms and two legs..go man u can also become a great have faith...good luck


By araceli3912.myopenid.com at 14,Apr,12 01:45

wow hope things get better for u yes childhood sexual abuse u were forced to perform in a sexual act stil messes u up i was forced in oral and anal sex at the hands of my biological father at only 4 yrs old so i been thru a lot


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