I am a 19 year old college student, i was raised with a murderer for a father and a pretty good mother i amthankful for that.When i was young i was yelled at till i cryed i feel as this was a big problem with me, my father is a poor man addicted to cocaince and marijuana, he lives in a trailer, the roof was blown off in a hurricane, or atleat the second roof so now when it rains, he puts buckets out to catch the water, he would rather spend his money on drugs then fix it.I used to love the rto c it rain, now i feal sad because i know my father is on bucket padrol. He has murdered plp, i havent ever seen this but my mother has told me. when i was young i was tricked into masturbating a man off, at such a young age i had no idea what i was doing, even tho it wasnt like i got but fucked it still hurts i got taken advantage of. My mother eventually got a divorce from my father aftertons of abuse, like hitting and kicking, one night he attemped to murder her, by cutting her neck open. I know all these things about my father but i still love him,sometimes i hope he would die just so i dont have to worry about him anymore.As i entered turned 2 i started experimenting with lots of drugs, i smoked marijuana for 6 years straight, i did lots of cocaine, one time i stole 600 dollors from my mom just to by a oz off cocaine. I mainly blame my depression on extascy i have done at least 300 pilss of x in my life time, some times i felt like dieing after words , and honestly i would have rather been dead. I have taken acid, ketamine, xanax,r2s, c, salvia,dmt, whip its, lots of alcohol, crack, ampetamines, adderall with out a presciption, so i dont think all this had a positve role in my up brings, i was fat my whole life, picked on by the other kids, i alos had a speech problem, at the age of 16 i joined a mma academy this helped alot about mental problems, i lost all my weight now i am thin, but i still strive for perfection and i can never get it, i have never loved any body my whole life besides my family and i dont think im even capable.Now im 100 percent drugs free and i still dont feel all quiet there if u know what i mean. Im am in college doing the right thing but i always feel inadaquit, i wish i would just die, but i dont have the guts to comit suicide. | |
there is no doubt you were hanging out with the wrong crowd. Im glad you have come to acknowledge that you need to stop there are people into their 30s who have not come to that realization. Please stay strong and focused. Congratulations on the weight loss. I hope you already have a career in mind and there are opening in the field you are getting your degree in.
E can make you get a surge of happiness, but it's all at once and it drains you to the point of depression so you need to pace it. Thats the natural thing to do. Its there inside you. Be good.
Take care,
ymlatt@gmail.com
if you are capable of love and feeling that emotion, you are capable of feeling it for anyone. just make sure that they are worth loving. you have a lot of ahead of you and find out about what it is that makes you happy. do you want to help others going through drug abuse? what is it that you want to do? find something that motivates you, that gives you a purpose, that gives you something to look forward to.
i really wish you the best and admire you for all that you have done. g-d bless.
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