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I have the WORST Life of them all!!

Posted by at February 19, 2012
Tags: Failure  2012 February  Life Story

I am a 38 year old Male that is completely Destitute. I have little or nothing! I am currently sitting home in my Apartment , Playing "Call of Duty", it's all i do everyday, all day. I am living on a $200 a month food stamp Budget, free housing and I receive $134.00 a Month in Cash for essencials. I live 6 miles from the city and with my limited income it makes driving, with the gas prices as they are, very limited. I am currently awaiting a disability judgement which should be anyday now. Which of course I doubt I will win.
I have been in trouble all my life. Since i was a small child i was always getting in fights in school and getting suspended. I had very few close friends in my life and at the moment i have NONE! Not a one! I was referred early in life to see Phycologists , which I was given medication that did help for a short time. Back then I believe I was labeled emotional desturbed., which would now be ADHD.
My first arrest came at the age of 15, I had gotten involved in Alcohol and Marijuana at a young age also, I believe because of my inability to make friends and socialize well with others. 23 years have passed and In October I was arrested again for the 42nd time. Most of my arrests are fairly minor. Fighting, Harassments, Petty Larcenies and so on. I also want to add with my trouble socializing with others, it made and makes keeping a job rather difficult. I am always happy at first to get a job , but as time goes on peoples idiosyncrasies get to me, I begin to hate people and my job, I usually expect to be promoted and feel the level of work I am doing is beneath me. Then I start getting into altercations with fellow workers and supervisors and end up up unemployed. I was a False Self Inflated Ego.
I started selling Marijuana at the age of 20 or so, Since I smoked it I figured I would give it a shot. I ended up quiting smoking it and turning into a full time dealer. Made alot of money and spent it freely, clothes , cars, Vacations and the like. I also went to a 12 step program to help with my addictions. Life I thought was great, at that time in my life. Money has always been a HUGE motivator to me and I love the security of having it.
While I was selling drugs, and before I got sober I was Premiscuos. I was with alot of girls , just thought that was normal at the time. Well one of these girls turned out to be 16, I was 22 or 23 at the time. We actually dated for a few months, and had a really bad break up. She ended up pressing charges for statutory Rape. Even though it was consentual sex, in New York state the age of Consent is 17. I was given probation for 5 years and told I had to register for the next 10 years and had no restrictions placed upon me or living situation. After about 8 years or so , there was a dramatic change in the laws. First the law changed to 20 years I must register, then 30 , and now lifetime registration. My picture was posted on the internet and I was forced to move from my home , because i lived within 1500 feet from a school. I had Joint custody of my daughter from another relationship and after being a involved father, I was suddenly not allowed to pick her up from school, take her to the park attend school plays or events. I had to have another family member do that. I also have to post where I work online.
I am a complete and utter social outcast! I quit selling drugs about 4 years ago completely. I met a Woman in the 12 step program and I was honest about myself and we began a 4 year relationship. She was and is an elected official. She told me I had to stop the selling of the drugs , with her job and all. I did, I also found a decent job in the area. I worked there for 2 years. Again workers found out about my history from postings online and it became a serious problem and after 2 serious altercations i was fired. That began the downfall of my relationship as well. I kinda gave up a little at that point, that even after 15 years, I cannot move on with my life, without a serious label cast upon me.
My Girlfriend and I split, i left in haste. Then once out of the house I was told I had 10 days to find a new address or I would be commiting a felony for not registering my address with the state of New York as a Sex Offender. I had no money and was staying with my mother. I had to place her address online to avoid commiting a Felony. Her landlord got word of this and threatened her with eviction. I called the Homeless Shelters, the Rescue Mission. Neither of them Accept Sex Offenders. So I was forced in my opinion to go to the Local Pysch unit and tell them I was going to end my life. I mailed the letter to the Sex Offender Registry that my address would be the Hospital Mental Health Unit to avoid a new charge. After 7 days or so i was released. Upon my release I had another 10 days to find a place or i would be commiting a Felony. I could not, so I went back to the Hospital on the 10th day again and repeated that 4 seperate times until i was referred to a case worker who helped me get a place.
So hear i sit, unemployeed, broke a Sex Offender Playing Video games all day. To Chicken to end my own life. I have not a single friend in the world or $10 to my name. I am unemployable anywhere in my area , because my name is all over the internet. The public does not understand that i was in a consentual relationship with a girl 3 months underage 15 years ago. All most of them see is Sex Offender (SCUM). I struggle to go on everyday! I see 2 seperate councelors twice a month. One for meds and the other to Speak with. She feels bad for me she says but she doesn't know how to help me either. The only thing I have in my life is I open 2, 12 step meetings per week. I cannot afford to go to town more than that with gas prices as they are. Life is the worst it has ever been, I believe I am doomed to die miserable and alone , probably in prison. I have been tested and I have an Above average IQ, and i know i am a very smart man, but being smart cannot erase the past or allow me to move on with a clean slate. I made alot of bad choices throughout my years and I feel i will continue to pay for them till the day i die. Which by the way, that day cannot come soon enough!


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New Comment

By anonymous at 26,Feb,12 21:46

Get a job you fuckup faggot.
By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 17:05

He has a legal excuse not to get a job. Once again the sex offender laws are a failure with very minimal returns

By anonymous at 26,Feb,12 22:57

Quit being lazy man up and take care of your shit as for the job situation it's a job your not supposed to love it your supposed to tolerate it and if you like it that's a gift. Plus you live on so little from the state? Why do you have call of duty and Internet your a leach and a moron grow up man up and wise up.
By anonymous at 26,Mar,13 19:37

I agree

By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 00:18

Dont listen to the two bastards up top, they probably won't know a job if it hit them in the face. Anyway, jobs are hard to find now a days, we are in an economic tight and even people who get food stamps getting cut down some. $134.00, man... That's not clearly enough for anyone to live off of, thats why you really need to be approved for SSI disability and from the looks of things they will appove you for depression and it will help a lot with bills and stuff. Hope you get thing right for you, good luck.
By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 01:59

There are people with legitimate disablilities who aren't getting approved because there are so many leaches and not enough money to go around. This is a grown fit man, not some little mentally handicapped girl. He gets FREE RENT. 50 bucks a week for one person for food. HMMM I could swing that! And then he gets 134 in spending money. Give me a break! Hes even allowed to work part time if he wants! I know cuz my father is on disability! So cry me a fkn river! I wouldn't know work if it hit me in the face? Hah! Worked since I was 13 and Im a chick and I have legitimate problems where I could qualify for disability if I wanted to sucker the system.

By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 02:47

Wow. The people who are replying with nasty comments are the ones who deserve a life like yours. Seriously. I just don't get how people could so easily just look at a person who's already down & decide to try and torment them some more. I hope the people who left you these nasty comments get kidnapped and tortured and then die a slow and painful death. Parasites like them ate the real disgrace to the world and it's social order, not some guy who had sex with a person 3 months from the legal age of consent 15 years ago.

Wish I could tell you things get better, but I'm only 22 myself and have my own problems. Have things gotten better for me? Nope, not really. Does everyone tell you that things always get better? Absolutely. But in all reality, it's easy for someone living the high life to say that.. after all, things are always good for them.
By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 17:27

You sound so zen. A life like his? Give it to me! You need to look up the word parasite. A 23 year old having sex with a 16 year old kid. Awww what a simple error.

By anonymous at 27,Feb,12 03:11

My heart goes out to u bro. Times are tough out here. I can only say, from someone who attempted suicide and somehow came out good, is that things possibly can get better. I just hope your dreams don't get too broken too often. If that does happen to u, well, suicide is always an option. Sad but true.

By at 27,Feb,12 11:44

Hi stylinroman,

This does sound very unjust and so stupid because the law when you were convicted should be the sentence you receive not just keep raising it and raising it - a life sentence (practically) in terms of being a registered offender for having sex with someone who was just a few months from being legal. I never realised this was the situation in the US, (I'm from UK) it should be changed and I think its g8 you're publicising it. They should have catergories of sex offence, having sex with a 15 yo cant be the same as abusing a 9 yo

By bob at 27,Feb,12 16:38

Situation sucks. You need to fix it. As far as I can tell, you got yourself in this mess and you can get yourself out.

Once you give up hope, its over. You need to find a job and stick with it. They aren't fun. They're work.

By matt crorkz at 20,Oct,14 08:51

FCFpML Hey there! I've been reading your website for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Kingwood Tx! Just wanted to tell you keep up the good job!

By anonymous at 28,Feb,16 13:58

You are gone now but I have to for me say some things even though you will not hear them. At age 20, you made your decisions to sell weed . You slept with young girls and you got caught. You knew exactly what you were doing but those young girls looked up to you like you were someone important. You were always pretending to be someone who you were not. Always pretending to be a big man in a little town. You harrassed people. Christ, you harrassed me for twenty plus years but I just chalked it up to you being you. You really pissed,e off before you passed - trying to contact mt 17 year old daughter - wtf was that. But you died. I don't know how but I know reading this I still feel upset. Yet you STILL never validated anything we went through. Finding and reading this really has made me angry again. Off all the people around you, I deserved an apology for all the BS I dealt with for years. But again, it was all about you even to the end. It should make me feel good reading this. That maybe you got what you deserved but it doesn't. I feel worse. I feel I could have helped you but you would have taken advantage of that situation and screwed me over yet again. I hope you found peace when you left this earth but I am still so mad. I deserved an apology that Imnever got but I will deal with it.

By ME at 28,May,16 18:22

I don't know why I read this shit over and over about you. I wanted you to hit rock bottom and when you did you died. DEAD! I can't wrap my head around it. I just assumed you would end up in prison but dead? I still have a hard time saying that. I cared about you until the end but I could not deal with you. That is hard for me to fully grasp... Maybe Ii could have helped you because I did care. Maybe... Most lkely I would have ended up hurt again. I had to protect myself again. For years, I had to protect myself from your demons. I thought once you stooped drinking that you would be normal. But.. No. Mental issues on top of drug/alcohol issues. I tried. Lord knows I tried to deal with that but at some point a person has to protect themselves. I made that decision but at the same time I feel like I abandoned you. I seperated myself frim you to protect myself but I never stopped caing. All these years later, I still think of you. I hope you finally found peace wherever you are. Rip and just know, you were cared about.

New Comment