LIFE SUCKS

Life Without Love

Ok here is my story. I'm a 32 year old chick. From 4-8 my big brother anally molested me and told me not to tell anyone. It didn't hit me how fucked up it was until I hit puberty then it hit me HARD.
My father & mother never got along. My father was an abusive alcoholic & my mother was a cold abrasive slob and a bitch, who didn't clean, or put any effort into cooking a decent meal. She didn't really watch us either. I roamed the neighborhood at 3 years old.
Dad was a district mechanic for the bowling alleys in the region (before they all shut down) so we moved from place to place wherever he got assigned for the year.
Dad and his three brothers were adopted by his aunt her a pervert italian husband who molested his own daughter or as they see it, had an affair. So thats why gramma never adopted dads sisters.
My parents in the midst of dads violence and alcoholism and in the midst of my mothers affairs... had more kids when I was 10 and 11 years old.
At 8 they moved into a house "grandpa" built.
Thats when dad quit as a mechanic, went to work at a bakery. Life became total shit.

Dad hurt his back lifting bags of flour at the bakery, and quit. He started to drink more and get abusive. My mother logically began to fuck other men and once even brought her younger bf home to meet dad.
Soon after my mother (and father??) had a baby.

My dad gave the infant cap fulls of vodka and dropped him because he was so drunk he fell and knocked shit over all around the house. I could not go outside and play anymore because I had to watch the baby. Hetried to kill himself. Got sober for a whole month before he went back to drinking. Mom and dad physically and verbally fought every SINGLE night during this time.

Then mom got pregnant again. They lost the house & we moved in with "grandma" and "grandpa". Then grandma ran away and we couldn't find her. In later years we found out she was hiding at uncle toms.
Dad pushed my mom who was 9 months pregnant on the floor, she went into labor the next day.
Grandpa tried to discipline the babies by hitting them and he tried to fuck my mom. Hell he would have tried to fuck me if I wasn't so on my guard. Dad drank until he got a seizure on the floor.
We didnt have money for food or clothes and grandma sent a letter threatening never to come back until we were gone. Dad got a few thousand from a settlement. He gave me 20 bucks for clothes (thats going to go far) and blew the rest all in one night. The next morning he come back not even remembering what he did with the money.

We moved into a slum where we were the only white people. Then dad left. dad used to hang out with a hooker and her pimp across the street. He got his own apt down the street. My big brother thankfully moved out, but then dad abandoned him for a new woman and never came back. So my brother joe moved back in with us. Mom worked from 2:30 to 11:30pm so after school I had to take care of the kids in a trash littered dirt yard slum by myself starting at age 13.

Joe went to hang out with his buddies. He didnt have to do anything. We had hardly any food, no clothes. I couldn't even be rewarded a trip to the salvation army let alone get paid. I was much too nice to be able to ask for money. Dad gave a few grand lump sum child support payment to us and accidentally deposited it into my big brothers acct so my big brother spent all the money on himself. Later when my dad did make payments to me, my mom took half of it.
My baby sister and brother could not go out of the house without getting ganged on and beat up starting from ages 2 and 3, because we were white and didnt have anyone to protect us.. Soon as they turned a corner and my eye wasn't on them they got dragged on the ground and pulverized. We had rocks thrown at our windows and doors, no-one at all to defend us. My dad wasn't there and my mother didn't care.
My little bro and sis were always the scape goats whenever the other kids did something wrong. They had crazy loyal parents to defend them, but not us. It didn't change when we had white neighbors either. My mom saw my little brother get punched in the face but turned a blind eye.
Tim would fight back to defend himself and he would get suspended and the parents of the other kids got my face. I was tired of it.


and I had mental problems from the incest

and btw by the time I was 17 I really wanted to make love and have a man or at least be able to be a teen, to go outside. I hadn't went outside to play since I was 11.

Dad had had 2 more kids with his new wife & she had 2 kids previously and then him and mom finally agreed to give dad custody w/o my consent.

6 kids in 1 house not being fed well, over medicated. Dad wasn't working, his wife was supporting them all, and she was really mean to my little brother and sister. They only had one blanket and were underfed and maltreated.

Mom had visitation twice a month. I lost familiarity with the kids I raised. It hurt me alot.

I was lonely, had been socially removed for over a decade and had severe panic going out in public. I was lost so I tried to find someone online.

I found a guy who was unattractive, but I didn't want to not see him anymore because it would hurt his feelings. He got me stoned one day when he had the house to himself and took my virginity in the crappiest most insensitive way. I stayed with him. I was not sexually satisfied. I fell in love with his brother, so rather than continue to be there and be tempted I left for someone I found off craigslist, but he was an abusive pedophile psychopath and a herion addict.

So I broke away from him and me and mom moved to a more rural area.

I met people here and there but I never found love or had amazing sex, guys never really treated me right. I got a bachelors degree in communications (lol) and ended up working at a convenience store. 100s of people came and went and I never met anyone. There was a beautiful black boy who was sweet. But my asshole self, never gave him my number. This would be the biggest regret of my life thus far.

I didn't for one I was worried about being seen as being Aunt Joanie who married black men and had three biracial children. Joanie was the one who got sexually abused by my grandfather well into her adulthood. She wound up identifying and falling in love with her father, so rather than blame the assailant everyone looked down on her. I thought because i was a victim of incest, if I date a black man then people will say i'm just like Joanie.
I should not have cared. You see when I was 25 I told my mother. She simply shrugged and said "Oh well, your brother's a fuckup, he almost didn't graduate college." There was a silence. She continued: "That's called incest." Another long silence. "Do you want a hug?" She then got up, motioned to the phone and said, "your brothers been trying to reach you, he wants to take you shooting. You have to go."

In case some of you might think he was sorry, he wasn't because when I was 14 he asked to take a shower with me, and on a rare occasion when I went to the store with my mother and he got stuck babysitting, he once took a picture of my sister without underwear on. My sister told and he had ripped up the picture saying it was a mistake, he didn't notice.

So mom kept inviting my brother over knowing how uncomfortable it made me. I wanted to write a book. When she found out I was working on a book, she threatened to sue me if I mentioned what my brother did.
She always put me down, and told me I was going to hell. She was never appreciative of what I have given up in my youth to keep the family together the best I could. She was very cruel to me.

I never had anyone to talk to.

I had a fantasy that me and my favorite actor would meet and fall in love. But I was much too shy to write a letter pouring my heart out. I just wrote stupid letters. which never got a reply. I talked to someone online who was supposed to be him and my life fell to absolute sht.
That person whoever it was, destroyed me to the final point.

I gave up. I moved in with a guy my beloved actor hated, I hated, who had a homosexual affinity for him (as a child) and who used to run a website for the actor but turned on him and ran a website against him.

This dude was a virgin and I was a loser, it was a match made in hell.

To spare details. I can not love this guy and further he is fat and has a 5 inch dick that he doesn't know how to use, he's not hot to or for me, I'm pretty attractive. I want to be loved and wanted.

I have never had hot sex with a cute guy.

EVER


So anyways. I have anxiety panic attacks to the extreme, cant get medical insurance. Theres no way forward or back. My life is a nothing existence. I sleep from 12pm to 6pm and stay up all night. I have no purpose and no chance at even being able to make love which is what I wanted and dreamed of for so long.

Further I can't give my heart or body away anymore. I can't do this jumping from guy to guy crap. I need real love.


I don't want to be homeless. I don't want to search for a new man to take care of me. I cant get medical help--trust me I cant because I've tried to get state health coverage. I cant live with my parents because my little bro has moved in with my mom now and my big bro has moved in with my dad.


The thing that kills me the most is wanting sooo bad to make love.

Nvrmnd that I have 0 friends or social network.