I'm blind. I love music and I wish I were good at it, but obviously if I was any good I'd already achieve something at the age of twenty. Music is fucked anyway; if people like Adele get famous because they sing through an autotune machine it's not worth going into. Never applied myself to anything though because deep inside I feel inadequate and ridiculous. I sit around and do my homework for an Associate's degree after I go to class. My mommy drives me there -- note the sarcasm, please. I give money to a bitch that lives 800 miles away that I've only seen in person once that hates my guts and uses me. She had a baby with another guy that doesn't even want her. I've given her over four grand. I bought almost everything for her baby and I'm still giving her things, even though she constantly degrades me, tortures me with my sexual attraction and love for her. Not to mention she cheated on me in a long distance relationship with the guy she had the kid with, and even though she told me she would wait after her kid was born to get another boyfriend she went ahead and got another one anyway, a guy who won't be a father to her child and who doesn't even work. I tried to be a father to her child -- all I ever wanted was a family with her, but I guess I never get anything I want. I also talk to another girl from the next state over who is supposed to be my girlfriend. I have no one to hang out with on the weekends or after classes, so I'll use a variety of drugs to simulate natural rushes of endorphins humans get from orgasms and socialization. I wish I could do some heroin, but I can't drive anywhere so it's impossible to get. All my close friends are blind like me and I have no one "normal" that I can relate to. I get lonely because I have no car and I always have to sit and wait for people to take me anywhere. All I want is a girl that would love me close by, but apparently that's too much to ask for. My entire life I'll have to ask people for help, get stared at anywhere I go because I look differently, get laughed at because my methods of navigation and gesticulation are out of the norm. Wanna go into a school bookstore and ask the girl to get you a candy bar that's out in plain view? Fuck that.
I get depressed quite a bit and I've promised myself that if I have no job or life in another ten years or so, I'll end it with a few CNS depressants, some alcohol and a plastic bag. Easy and painless. I really hope this is just a phase and nothing more, but as fucked as this world is I have my doubts for the future. | |
Life isn't that bad. It's the people that make it shit.
Take care, hun
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Sorry, I just had to laugh. You expect to be a success at 20? You're just a baby! You do realize that people live to be 90 or more these days, right? You have lots of time to firm up your abilities and keep trying. The ones who do make it big at a young age are EXTREMELY RARE. So you're not one of them; big deal. We've all seen the sad results of performers who bloom too early. So set your mind at ease about not being another Michael Jackson.
I'm sorry about your blindness; I applaud your strength in dealing with it. As for your girlfriends - for god's sake get away from them! They sound like they totally, utterly and completely suck and why do you want them? And anyone who laughs at someone who deals with a disability is a total motherfucker! Screw them!
I want you to know that a lot of people - if not most people - respect someone who's dealing with a handicap. Life is hard, man, and if someone's got it harder but deals with it well, they're just fucking amazing. You should realize this. Don't be afraid to ask for help - we ALL need help. Again, LIFE IS HARD. And there are professional organizations out there that can help you live a good life - you need to get in contact with them. DO IT. Clean yourself up, walk with dignity, dress as well as you can, use your voice well, and focus on music if it gives you pleasure. Focus on your many strengths. And remember, you're still very young. You've got years of hope and opportunity ahead of you. I'm rooting for you. Best wishes.
It definitely comes down to how people treat one another. Hopefully someday we can shed the ego and move onto a higher level of awareness. But right now, life will continue to be a shithole humans create for themselves.
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