My heart still aches...it has been over 9 months since my son took his life. I keep wishing that I'd visited him up at school a day before he did this, on his birthday. I may have seen signs if I had done so! He may have put this off and reconsidered, had he seen me. Had he come home for the summer after college--I may have had opp. to see how sad he was and gotten him help. At the very least, I could have hugged him and told him I loved him one last time. He killed himself the day before he was supposed to return from college, one day after his 20th birthday. I still can't believe this is real sometimes. I feel as though I am in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. I miss him so much and hope so much that he is at peace and happy and safe. I worry that there is nothing after this life, and that he is completely gone and that I will never get to feel his presence ever again. I will never be a grandmother-I may as well start smoking again if i want to. I quit to see my boy and his children. I was the type of person that would have gladly quit her job to watch his children. I wanted to take him and his family to Europe some day, to the Outer Banks..to anywhere he wanted to go. I loved him. I sometimes wonder if he loved me. How could he leave like this, without even saying goodbye, without letting me help when I offered..how could he do this when I know that he knew my heart would ache for an eternity-it makes me think that he must have hated me.....held me in little regard...had no respect or love for me.