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my heart aches

Posted by cygnusmom at February 20, 2012
Tags: Death  2012 February  Tragic Events

My heart still aches...it has been over 9 months since my son took his life. I keep wishing that I'd visited him up at school a day before he did this, on his birthday. I may have seen signs if I had done so! He may have put this off and reconsidered, had he seen me. Had he come home for the summer after college--I may have had opp. to see how sad he was and gotten him help. At the very least, I could have hugged him and told him I loved him one last time. He killed himself the day before he was supposed to return from college, one day after his 20th birthday. I still can't believe this is real sometimes. I feel as though I am in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. I miss him so much and hope so much that he is at peace and happy and safe. I worry that there is nothing after this life, and that he is completely gone and that I will never get to feel his presence ever again. I will never be a grandmother-I may as well start smoking again if i want to. I quit to see my boy and his children. I was the type of person that would have gladly quit her job to watch his children. I wanted to take him and his family to Europe some day, to the Outer Banks..to anywhere he wanted to go. I loved him. I sometimes wonder if he loved me. How could he leave like this, without even saying goodbye, without letting me help when I offered..how could he do this when I know that he knew my heart would ache for an eternity-it makes me think that he must have hated me.....held me in little regard...had no respect or love for me.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 00:19

iv bin where your son was i surved but died long enf to see the light and feel the love before returning i to stade away from famly not because i didnt love thim but because i filt so alown i filt every one would be better of with out me, its hard to exsplan,im sorry for your lose i feel your son made it to his 20 birthday because he loved you but lost his battle, ever time you remember a grate moment you had together he is their. t


By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 00:25

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you understand that there might have been nothing you could do to prevent what happened, aside from keeping your son under constant surveillance. We can't control other's behavior, even if they're our children.

You have every right to grieve, but please don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for what happened. Understand that others have suffered similar losses (myself included), and we have found ways to survive. I would suggest that you try to shift your focus. It's not easy, I know. I have a friend who volunteers at a local animal shelter, and doing so is helping her deal with a terrible grief. Please think about this. Best wishes to you.


By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 17:18

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. But to think that he didn't love you or had no respect for you is false, simply false. It is not any one persons fault, it simply is as it is. Don't blame yourself though, I know that he wouldn't want that, he wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable for ever. It will take much time for you to find your place in life once again, it will take time for your soul to heal, but remember that it will heal in the end.

I don't personally believe in God, so I don't hold that there's some sort of afterlife in the traditional sense. But I can assure you of something that, at least to me, is far more comforting and beautiful. At a subatomic level every single human being, every ant and rock and tree and cloud; are all connected. Part of you is in your son, and part of him is in you still. His physical being is a part of everything around you now, every single blade of grass, the window of your car, the breeze that blows through your hair. It's not a spiritual myth either, it's scientific fact, and yet it is so wonderful to realize that those we have loved are never really gone. They become a part of us and everything we can see.

If you truly feel as if there is no longer a point to your life though, as if you simply want to curl up and die... do me a favor first. Leave your home, your job, your friends and take off into the unknown. Visit Europe on your own, see all the places you wanted your son to see, hike the ancient trails of Ireland for a time, or climb the Eiffel tower. Forget about the foolish things like money for a time, after all you and your sons memory are far more important than material possessions. So leave everything behind. I believe you will find hope and joy once again, even if it takes a dozen years or more.

Live for yourself and everything you wanted for your son.

All my best wishes and love, one human being to another.

Peace and long life.


By anonymous at 28,Feb,12 19:16

Sometimes they do things like this because of heartbreak over a girl. Romeos mom couldn't talk him out of it, and there are times when a man goes through things that his mom can't save him from, thats a hole you couldn't fill, it's not that you failed. This world is full of darkness and it's not your fault that evil has taken over the world.


By anonymous at 28,Mar,12 09:30

Im so sorry for you and your son, I just lost my wife recenly to suicide. She did not say goodbye or leave a note and you ask yourself what did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? Its been 9 months now and the pain never goes away you just learn to cope with it better. people say time heals...what a bunch of bullshit, anyone thats lost someone they love expecially tragickley like us knows that theres not anything anyone can do and its up to you to move on with life or not. I have chosen to move on or at least survive at this point but thats a start. good luck.
By anonymous at 30,Apr,12 19:11

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for your kind words. You didn't deserve this - no one deserves this kind of sorrow and impotent rage and questioning of what is, what was, etc. Hang in there and try to find some joy each day-you deserve it.


By anonymous at 05,May,12 10:59

Your son loved ypu. Im sure he strugled with his decision. I lovemymother very much. But I tried to commit suicide anyways. I love her. And i will never attempt it again. Thats how i know your son loved you.


By Air Max TN Glowing hommes(6) at 13,Dec,14 05:18

Walaupun dia tahu membaca dalam keadaaan kenderaan yang bergerak tidak baik untuk kesihatan mata. Maafˇ± ujar doktor, >_


By Nike Air Max Humara at 27,Dec,14 20:57

Aku kemudiannya mengunci basikal kesayanganku. Cinta yang sentiasa membawa kebahagiaan kepada hati, =).ˇ°no thank you!ˇ± kata hayati yang dipanggil ?? apa yang akan si kecil ini teriakkan padaku disaat ia perlukanku.ibu mak ummi mama suamiku hanya tersenyum melihat gelagatku sambil memberi ciuman kasih didahikulamunanku menjadi semakin indah hari demi hariku usap perutku setiap waktuku bisikkan kata-kata indah pada bayiku teramat sayang padamu wahai anakku.sebelum jenazah anakku disemadikan sempat kusisipkan photo aku bersama suami di balutan putih tubuh kecil anakku.sempat jua ku ambil bekas-bekas kain putih itu yang dipotong untuk kusimpan sebagai pengubat rindu


By I feel your pain at 02,Nov,16 02:17

I can't tell you why your son didn't say goodbye. All I know is when my mom shot herself they told me and my grandfather that she probably would make it and if she probably wouldn't be able to walk or talk. if she lived that was. She lived! But when she came to all she kept saying was I did it for Amy (that's me). Over and over again and again...I DID IT FOR AMY she kept yelling it over and over. I couldn't take it anymore. She was trying to spare me the pain of constantly watching her suffer and the other kids not giving a shit. She loved me so much that she was so sick and tired of watching me crying over her being so sad. Try to live with that one!


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