These are only a few things out of a plethora of other nightmares I have experienced on this heinous planet of ours.
I have never experienced freedom, not even once.
At this point in my life, I am safe & loved, & I get to live where I am treated like a human being... but its almost an impossibility to enjoy it most days because the nightmares of my past keep haunting me.
No childhood, no teens, robbed of adulthood. Robbed of anything, & everything in life.
I was born to a mother who hated me with a passion.
She never worked, never drove, she had terrible hygeine. Her teeth were gross & rotten. It was humiliating to be seen with her.
She is the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She was/is evil to her core. She never did anything but get high, drunk, & laid.
When I was little, I thought she was a monster.
How right I was. Too bad I am the only one who knows it. She has everyone snowed.
When I was 3, her boyfriend molested me.
When I told her about it, she told me I must have liked it, & that I caused it, & that I was a whore. This destroyed my mind & soul on a scale that was/is so colossal, that there aren't words to describe it.
This is what my mother would always say when I was sexually abused through the years. Every single time.
"Whore" has always been my label, even though it was really my mother that treated her body like a public toilet for years. Almost every night she had a different skanked out guy in her bed! And she allowed these assholes to beat me.
Beating me was a hobby of hers as well. I don't remember a time when I wasn't being tortured with a belt, or the threat of it. I lived in utter fear & panic.
I began having bouts of amnesia, around age 3 or 4, & was almost killed by traffic because of this. (I was terrified & humiliated when told about it later.) I've had many times in my childhood where I simply could not recall events.
When I was 4, my mother took me to a shrink, but never took me back, & never made any further attempts at getting me any help what so ever.
I literally could not function in school because I was sent there in hysterics every fucking day. I could not pay attention in class & was punished many times for this. My mother told me that I was retarded & slow.
I was taunted & demoralized over my "daydreaming".. I only made it through 8 years of school, & the kids were horrible of course.
My mother & I lived in one dump right after the next when I was little. We also lived on a welfare check until I was 13.
She finally found a guy that would take care of her worthless ass...an extremely tall & obese porn addicted pervert-- who could not seem to keep his hands off my body, and his mind off my genitals.
I honestly believe he got with her mainly because his best friend (her precious brother) had gotten away with molesting me. They probably talked about it over beers.
I seriously would not doubt it.
I was homeless by the time I was 15 because I didn't wanna be my step dad's good little girl.
My mother's brother started molesting me when I was 10. I didn't know about it till 12. He told me he had been sneaking in my room pulling my night gown up & watching me sleep.
Then, at 12 things got worse because he started doing more things to me. He was caught that year. I had just come out of the hospital with back surgery. My back was neglected to the point that doctors said I only had a few years before my spine would start crushing my organs.
When I came out of the hospital, I was extremely weak. I could do nothing for myself.
While my mother went out & got drunk every night, I was left with her brother & he again molested me. He was caught by my half brother who later molested me himself.
(I met my half brother for the 1st time when I was 12. He had been taken from my mother as a baby because she was proven unfit, then given back to her at 15 for some reason. Who knows?)
At 12 years old, while trying to recover from this heinous surgery, I got to listen to my mother call & scream at the top of her lungs to many of our relatives, friends, & anyone who might like or love me, telling them what a little whore I was.
How I had "seduced" my own uncle & ruined his life & marriage...
She threw away the only pretty outfit I owned...
It seemed there would be no end to my punishments, & come to find out there wasn't.
I was disowned, & given away to the state to be bounced around foster homes. I wanted death so badly.
(I am disowned to this day. But even if I wasn't, they can all go straight to hell as far as I am concerned.)
Later on, at 16 I was raped while homeless, & got pregnant. (I ran away from the foster homes because they were abusive as well) Living outside pregnant is the most horrible fucking thing. I remember blacking out in the street from lack of nutrition. Funny how people just walk on by. I can laugh about it now. I guess.
I called my mother a few times, hoping she would help. But no. She didn't care about me. She sent $10 to a friends mother's address for me for my 16th birthday. Nice sweet 16 huh?
I married my way off the street at 9 months pregnant. Didn't even know the guy, but I had to do something. I tried to make it work at first but, he turned out to be a serial abuser. It was a living hell trying to get him out of my life.
Panic attacks started at 19, & would last for 10 devastating years.
At 35 years old, my mind's eye flew open, so to speak...I realized I had been semi conscience in life....& that I hadn't been able to look at anything because remembering would destroy me emotionally. I don't know what caused me to wake up like I did... but when I did, I lost it.
Since then, all I do day after day, is remember one mind blowing event right after the next. Every horrible thing that has ever happened to me is right now. I cannot "get over it"...it is even in my dreams at night. I wake up enraged or crying almost every day of my life. Some nights I drink myself to oblivion.
I have spent my adulthood enslaved by marriage, slander & the abusive as well as primitive beliefs & ideas beat into my brain since I was a child. Maybe it isn't supposed to be this way, but for me, marriage is and always has been prison.
My 2nd husband joined my mother in her slander soon after we were married. He wanted me alone & dependent period. These 2 even slandered me to my own babies as soon as they could comprehend words. My own children are poisoned against me. I am too much of a whore to be loved.
Once, we even had to move out of a small town because my x husband made me so famous that I was getting threats from people I didn't even know.
I left my first husband 2 yrs after we married because of abuse. 5 years later I married this guy...a christian, thinking he would be kind.
He was/is every bit the abuser my 1st husband was & more.
When I "woke up" a few years ago, he threw me out of our home, & slandered me even further, with a vengeance & divorced me.
People don't like to hear truth, & I couldn't seem to stop telling it.
Thankfully? Someone took me in. I fell deeply in love with this man, but when I found out who he really was, I was devastated. The love of my life then dropped me off with a cup of coffee, no money & my things in a parking lot.
He then took off to move in with a woman he met on the internet. I went to a shelter, & a few days later, I took a bus to a different state to go stay with a friend, & start my life over.
The friend that took me in to help me get on my feet, turned out to be a total Animal. Its funny how people will flat out abuse you when they know you are vulnerable.
This pig tried to keep me in his beyond filthy apartment, telling me I was never allowed to leave it. Ever.
He wanted a relationship too. He was in his late 40's impotent, (he told me this) & a virgin. I got the hell out of there as soon as I could.
A year later, I am with a kind & gentle man that I adore, but I feel worthless. He doesn't care. He wants to take care of me while I heal and for life, but I can't go down this road again.
I never had opportunities for a career, because of panic, depression & other things. The best I can probably do at this point is part time, if even that, because I have little to no control over my emotions.
If something unjust is happening, I tend to get loud. Real fucking loud. I literally cannot take the stupidity of humankind anymore, & its everywhere!
After all I have been shown in this life, I seriously cannot stand most human beings.
They are so ate up with envy over every little thing, its sickening. Not to mention all of the other things about them that make my fucking skin crawl.
I am also sick of all the utter bullshit I see everywhere too.
Lies, flags, & churches piss me off to no end.
I'm tired of being told what to believe, and asked not to use my brain.
Seems like everything I see in life is nothing but a damn lie & a prison. I honestly wish I would die.
Somehow to me, a box looks like it has more freedom in it than life itself.
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