LIFE SUCKS

sad times

I am 32 years old and feel so frustrated with life. Ok so here's how things got so bad:

The youngest of 5 children with 2 brothers and 2 sisters ranging from 9-13 years older than me. I had a normal family life but suffered at the hands of bullies for most of my school years. I am not a nasty person and could not understand why they wanted to hurt me. I drifted from friend to friend as I found it difficult to trust people. Anyway I left school and went on to college and life seemed to pick up. I have had 4 long term relationships and been engaged 2 times. But each time the relationships went wrong. Each time I have questioned why they did not work out.

At 28 I bought my own flat as I was ready and could afford to do this. I hoped that by living on my own I could enjoy a successful relationship without the interference of my parents. Unfortunately I have not had a proper relationship since.

2 years ago my eldest sister was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 6 month later. It was the hardest time of my life. She was 42 and a single parent leaving behind 3 boysaged 19, 17 and 6. My parents live separately my dad in the marital home and my mum at what was my sisters home bringing up my sisters children. My mum has relied upon me since. I resent my remaining siblings as they are not there to support. I only hear from them at birthdays and Christmas as they are all married with families of their own.

In the November after my sister died my best friend who I had been friends with from aged 17 and I had a stupid argument and are barely civil when we see each other out and about. I felt like she was not there to support me when I needed her as she is also settled in a relationship. It was and still is one of the lonlieliest times in my life.

I have a new best friend and she has been great but it still is lonely. She is a single parent and times for her are also hard. I feel like I have to be there for everybody else but not a true person for me. My little nephew is 8 year old and my parents are 64 and 69. My mum is suffering depression and so I cannot talk to her and the expectancy is that if things get too much my nephew will come live with me. I am scared of this responsibility but know I would not have it any other way.

I recently met a guy and felt relieved to have him for some escapism. He is a divorcee with an 8 year old son. As we had only being seeing each other 2 month we have not made the step of meeting the families. Unfortunately he is not able or willing to put the effort into the relationship. His son is his life and he has him 4 times a week. His weekends are about watching football and work so I get to see him once or twice a week and then its more about sex than a relationship. I have now called it of as he says he likes me so much but is not ready for a proper relationship (such as us going out as a couple, meeting friends and family etc). He didn't want things to end but I know I cannot settle for what he is willing to give I was already feeling hurt and confused by his attitude. I have tried walking away 2 already. I have asked him not to contact me again but deep down I secretly hope that he will be in touch and tell me how I mean so much to him that he will make it all ok.

I worry that I will never meet anybody who will love me enough to want to love me, marry me and have a family with me.

I worry that my life will be one lonely path and that I will have nothing in life. Some days I feel so empty and wish I could be selfish and run away but I know my family need me. I just want a man to hold me and truly love me.