I never met my father. I have his name but don't even know what he looks like. He left before I was born.
I was molested from ages five to seven by two of my older cousins. I remember thinking that one had peed in my mouth one time. Of course now that I'm older, I know what really happened.
I reached out for help but never got any. I guess I chose cowards. I remember praying to God and crying myself to sleep every night. Praying that things would change. They didn't though. This is how I discovered there was no God when I was six.
When I was 11 I told my step dad that I wanted to be molested. That I wanted him to molest me. Though he didn't, he didn't do anything to help me. I told my teacher what had happened with my cousins. I was really depressed and lonely and I felt really bad because I thought I was gay. She was going to let me see the school counselor. I told my mom but she told me that my cousins could get in trouble and I should tell the teacher never mind. I stopped reaching out after that.
I spent middle school and high school and up till the age of 23 completely alone other than my "family". I've never been to a party. I've never been to a bar or club. I've never gone out on the weekend with friends. I've never had a birthday party or done anything for New Year's.
My first suicide attempt was at 21. I dropped school and work. I was so deeply depressed that I stopped leaving the house for a year. I eventually got stable enough to go back to work.
At 23 I was feeling suicidal again, alone and believing I deserved to be treated like shit. I met a dear person where I worked. One day I had been crying and he came and found me and said if I wanted to talk to him, I could. I was scared of rejection, but I went to him one day. I told him EVERYTHING. Things I could never tell anyone. We became friends. He was my only friend ever. A cocky jock and he befriened a self harming gay disaster. I started to go to therapy because of him. I started to believe life could be better because of him.
Unfortunately, a little thing called Borderline Personality Disorder was inside me. I'd never heard of it, but its the punishment for people who have been abused and neglected because they hadn't suffered enough. I was undiagnosed and it destroyed the relationship. He put up with a lot of shit from me but he eventually severed ties. I feel guilty for how poorly I treated him everyday.
After that, I was free falling. I didn't see any hope and when I realized how my own behavior is what ruined the friendship I fell apart. I discovered BPD and my doctor and therapists mishandled everything. ECT didn't help and now I have memory problems, then my therapist said the insurance told them if I killed myself that they were legally safe. I thought I couldn't go any deeper, but life became the shittiest version of Inception when I discovered you could go deeper into a living Hell.
Crying every goddamn day. Intense cutting and burning. Over eating. No bathing, cutting hair, shaving, brushing teeth. I don't know how many suicide attempts. Two bottles of Tylenol, belt hanging, etc.
I got dramatically better last February. BPD is incurable, but I had it under control with special workbooks and my depression cleared up a lot. I tried socializing at work. Meeting the younger guys and joking around. I fit in pretty well, most people don't know I'm gay unless told. I made a goal of celebrating my birthday for once that year. It took everything I had to feel like someone could like me. To not believe I deserve only shit. I was wrong to think I deserved better. I was rejected five times, once particularly for being gay. I thought they could like me, I thought I could make friends, I thought things could be better. I was wrong.
My birthday passed and I was alone. Something inside me left and never looked back that day. I use to be nice. I use to stand up for people when they weren't around give people money without keeping track. I just saw Chronicle and know I would act the same way if I was Andrew. Being nice was the only thing I liked about me, but I threw it away. I'm hostile and rude to people, I want to pick fights. If I'm going to be treated like an animal, why not act like one? I want them all to suffer like I have. All I see is a world of Tom and Daisy Buchanans.
Every time I hoped for the best, I got hurt. Insanity is trying the same thing and hoping for a different result. Life has been rough and deft and 26 years is too long.
I can't believe this is real life anymore. I can feel myself losing my grip. I can see the tattered seams on the lies that hold lives together. And with one tug it could unravel. Worst of all? My own shitty life story is too long for me to proofread. | |
Asking your stepfather to have relations with you was a very bad thing and completely disrespectful of him and your mom. You should thank God he was a decent man. He was probably far too embarrassed of the incident to talk about it and feared any kind of accusations.
Take care of yourself and no matter what always be a nice and a noble person. The world is full of evil, do you want it to get it's way with you. The evil people want us to treat each-other badly. But you have a choice no matter what your station that nobody can take from you and it's the decision to be a kind and good person no matter what, not for reward but for your own dignity. Don't become like the people who hurt you.
I don't think I asked him to molest me. I more said that I was having bad feelings to him. It was difficult as a child that age to vocalize what was wrong. It's common to want to be revictimized as a child, but I didn't know that then.
i am sorry for everything that you went through and i think you became stronger as a result of it. i could not imagine going through what you did. i don't know what to tell you.
Not sure about my sexuality.
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