Stop Anxiety
and panic attacks

How to overcome
your powerty demons

Get Paid For
Using Social Sites!

Save Your Relationship
No Matter How Bad
Your Situation Appears

LIFE SUCKS

Stories submitted by real people.

[Tell Your Story]

Categories:

Abuse  Addictions  Alcohol  Anger  Anxiety  Appearance  Attitude  Bad Luck  Childhood  Crime  Death  Disappointment  Drinking  Drugs  Environment  Failure  Family  Friendship  General  Health  Independent circumstances  Job  Justice  Juvenile problems  Life Story  Loneliness  Meaninglessness  Mistakes  Money  Philosophical  Poverty  Prank  Racial  Relationship  Religion  Reputation  School  Sexuality  Society  Sociopathy  Stepdad  Stepmom  Stress  Tragic Events  Unemployment  Violence  


Archive by Month:
July 2012
2012 June
2012 May
2012 April
2012 March
2012 February
2012 January
2011 December
2011 November
2011 October
2011 September
2011 August
2011 July
2011 June
2011 May
2011 April
2011 March
2011 February
2011 January
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
2010 September
2010 August
2010 July
2010 June
2010 May
2010 April
2010 March
2010 February
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
May 2008
February 2008
January 2008


Ads:

Unravel

Posted by anonymous at February 24, 2012
Tags: Attitude  Childhood  2012 February  Health  Life Story

I never met my father. I have his name but don't even know what he looks like. He left before I was born.

I was molested from ages five to seven by two of my older cousins. I remember thinking that one had peed in my mouth one time. Of course now that I'm older, I know what really happened.

I reached out for help but never got any. I guess I chose cowards. I remember praying to God and crying myself to sleep every night. Praying that things would change. They didn't though. This is how I discovered there was no God when I was six.

When I was 11 I told my step dad that I wanted to be molested. That I wanted him to molest me. Though he didn't, he didn't do anything to help me. I told my teacher what had happened with my cousins. I was really depressed and lonely and I felt really bad because I thought I was gay. She was going to let me see the school counselor. I told my mom but she told me that my cousins could get in trouble and I should tell the teacher never mind. I stopped reaching out after that.

I spent middle school and high school and up till the age of 23 completely alone other than my "family". I've never been to a party. I've never been to a bar or club. I've never gone out on the weekend with friends. I've never had a birthday party or done anything for New Year's.

My first suicide attempt was at 21. I dropped school and work. I was so deeply depressed that I stopped leaving the house for a year. I eventually got stable enough to go back to work.

At 23 I was feeling suicidal again, alone and believing I deserved to be treated like shit. I met a dear person where I worked. One day I had been crying and he came and found me and said if I wanted to talk to him, I could. I was scared of rejection, but I went to him one day. I told him EVERYTHING. Things I could never tell anyone. We became friends. He was my only friend ever. A cocky jock and he befriened a self harming gay disaster. I started to go to therapy because of him. I started to believe life could be better because of him.

Unfortunately, a little thing called Borderline Personality Disorder was inside me. I'd never heard of it, but its the punishment for people who have been abused and neglected because they hadn't suffered enough. I was undiagnosed and it destroyed the relationship. He put up with a lot of shit from me but he eventually severed ties. I feel guilty for how poorly I treated him everyday.

After that, I was free falling. I didn't see any hope and when I realized how my own behavior is what ruined the friendship I fell apart. I discovered BPD and my doctor and therapists mishandled everything. ECT didn't help and now I have memory problems, then my therapist said the insurance told them if I killed myself that they were legally safe. I thought I couldn't go any deeper, but life became the shittiest version of Inception when I discovered you could go deeper into a living Hell.

Crying every goddamn day. Intense cutting and burning. Over eating. No bathing, cutting hair, shaving, brushing teeth. I don't know how many suicide attempts. Two bottles of Tylenol, belt hanging, etc.

I got dramatically better last February. BPD is incurable, but I had it under control with special workbooks and my depression cleared up a lot. I tried socializing at work. Meeting the younger guys and joking around. I fit in pretty well, most people don't know I'm gay unless told. I made a goal of celebrating my birthday for once that year. It took everything I had to feel like someone could like me. To not believe I deserve only shit. I was wrong to think I deserved better. I was rejected five times, once particularly for being gay. I thought they could like me, I thought I could make friends, I thought things could be better. I was wrong.

My birthday passed and I was alone. Something inside me left and never looked back that day. I use to be nice. I use to stand up for people when they weren't around give people money without keeping track. I just saw Chronicle and know I would act the same way if I was Andrew. Being nice was the only thing I liked about me, but I threw it away. I'm hostile and rude to people, I want to pick fights. If I'm going to be treated like an animal, why not act like one? I want them all to suffer like I have. All I see is a world of Tom and Daisy Buchanans.

Every time I hoped for the best, I got hurt. Insanity is trying the same thing and hoping for a different result. Life has been rough and deft and 26 years is too long.

I can't believe this is real life anymore. I can feel myself losing my grip. I can see the tattered seams on the lies that hold lives together. And with one tug it could unravel. Worst of all? My own shitty life story is too long for me to proofread.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
Im Married. February 29, 2012
Breathe October 29, 2009



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 01,Mar,12 21:39

Usually when young boys get molested by men they grow up to become "gay" but I think alot of it stems from the abuse and being messed up sexually during a crucial time in their mental development. So I don't think this path will lead to happiness.
Asking your stepfather to have relations with you was a very bad thing and completely disrespectful of him and your mom. You should thank God he was a decent man. He was probably far too embarrassed of the incident to talk about it and feared any kind of accusations.
Take care of yourself and no matter what always be a nice and a noble person. The world is full of evil, do you want it to get it's way with you. The evil people want us to treat each-other badly. But you have a choice no matter what your station that nobody can take from you and it's the decision to be a kind and good person no matter what, not for reward but for your own dignity. Don't become like the people who hurt you.
By bob at 02,Mar,12 07:15

I don't know what I am. Just confused I guessed.
I don't think I asked him to molest me. I more said that I was having bad feelings to him. It was difficult as a child that age to vocalize what was wrong. It's common to want to be revictimized as a child, but I didn't know that then.


By at 02,Mar,12 00:14

Yes indeed the world has many Tom & Daisy type people. The Great Gatsby was one of my favortie books when I was really young.
By bob at 02,Mar,12 07:10

This is my story. You got my reference! I like the Great Gatsby too.


By anonymous at 02,Mar,12 12:46

are you sure you're gay? maybe it just happened because you were molested as a child? whatever happened to your evil cousins? may they rot in hell.

i am sorry for everything that you went through and i think you became stronger as a result of it. i could not imagine going through what you did. i don't know what to tell you.
By bob at 02,Mar,12 17:42

One is in prison for drugs, but he's gonna get out soon. The other is a car dealer financer. Nothing happened to them as a punishment for what happened to me.

Not sure about my sexuality.


By anonymous at 23,Mar,12 20:53

BPD here too, for semi-same reasons (abuse/neglect). never heard it put that way, but thanks. It kinda helps. Just know your not alone.


By araceli3912.myopenid.com at 14,Apr,12 01:33

wow u have gone thru a lot dont give up it does get better thou


By best link build at 15,Oct,13 21:30

gOnaii Enjoyed every bit of your blog.Much thanks again. Really Great.


By take a look at it! at 23,Oct,13 19:35

WgoHm1 Enjoyed every bit of your article.


By Pharme431 at 24,Jun,14 07:34

Hello! kabdgbe interesting kabdgbe site! I'm really like it! Very, very kabdgbe good!


By Pharmg719 at 24,Jun,14 07:34

Hello! ceaeddf interesting ceaeddf site! I'm really like it! Very, very ceaeddf good!


New Comment