I've grown up with what some may consider sick sadistic thoughts. I can't help it, its just the way I am. I use to sit and fantasize about killing other people. It became an obsession of mine I could not control it. When I turned 16 I met a man I wanted to kill. But the person seemed to be staring at me in the mirror. I hitchhiked one day and a guy named bill picked me up. He asked me to give him some head because he was a bisexual. I had my long white handled blade on me at the time. I said yes, sure thing, I'll suck you dry. He took me far out into the woods and he parked his truck. He slipped out of his pants and I did what he wanted. But after that I ran out of his truck like I was panicking. He ran to catch me and I collapsed on the ground. I took out my knife when he turned me over. The look of horror on his face was satisfying to me. I Jammed it deep into his chest. He was panicking to the point where he could not believe what was happening. I took his wallet and I walked home through the woods. That day started a hole can of worms for me. Since that day I've gotten 13 more. I met the woman of my dreams one day and we went bowling. I fell in love with her and we got married and had a daughter. Now that I am a family guy, I sit and ponder my actions. What if this would have happened to me? Would my daughter be okay without me? I have a sickening feeling rushes through my body. The pain, the hurt, the tears I've caused others. Life is sweet and so are people. People deserve to live with their families for the rest of their natural lives. There is not a day goes by that I don't think about the hurt I've caused, and I'm always on the verge of committing suicide because of how guilty and sorry I feel. The pain, the suffering, the tears. Should I die? The answer is yes, but I don't want my family to be without me. But that's the same thing I've taken away. | |
Sometimes, some people have something about them, urges, fantasies, fetishes, that will never, ever leave them. That is truly unfortunate, because people mock and criticize, but they don't know that that person simply cannot help it. The simple act of being attracted to the opposite sex is a prime example. For the most part, if I asked a human to try their best to not be attracted to certain erotic ideas, they can't do it. It is in our biology. We can't fucking help it. Similarly, in your case, you have this urge to kill other people.
You can't act on it. Ever again. It is wrong. I know to you it does not seem wrong because it feels so right, and trust me, I KNOW. I REALLY DO. But from an objective point of view, you can't act on it.
Forgiving yourself is the first step. The right path will follow. You've just got to believe.
Just remember you sick demonic murderer karma is a mutherfucking bitch.
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