LIFE SUCKS

I should have been aborted

I probably should not write this but to hell with it. I am 29 years old i have never had a girlfriend due to getting my butt kicked every day at school and kids calling me a fag or freak every day, the teachers would not let me go on school trips, and when came home from school i was beaten for kicks at night, later i dropped out of school ended up in a half way for depression which messed me up even more due to being surrounded by humans drooling and rocking backing forth talking to them selves. While in the half way house i started using drugs and ended up in 3 different rehabs, followed by jail for 9 months of my life due to aquiring a felony for being at wrong place at the wrong time, after i got out of jail i took the GED and passed, after which i went to college where i was made fun of every day just like when i was a kid, so i decided to start drinking and recieved a stomache viruse + pheunomia was hospitalised and was thrown out of college for missing to many days. Now I live alone i don't have any friends and no one will hire me for a job, i never learned how to drive so traveling is out of the question, the town where i live everyone looks at me and laughs. I once was told by someone to just be my self , but who or what am i exactly, i really don't know, i am so sick of being an outcast and of being alone, all i ever i ever wanted was to be accepted, to know the companionship of a women, to have a good job, kids, a house. But i can see that reaching out was the worst thing i could have done, i should have ended it when i was young and stupid or ran far far away when i had the chance. I feel as though i am numb nothing interests me, i really forget to eat and never leave my apartment somedays because i hate life but i dont kill myself because i know there is no afterlife and partly because i wanna see how much pain and self hatred i can take.