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I don't know what, why, how, when, where. I just want to RECOVER!!

Posted by anonymous at February 28, 2012
Tags: Anxiety  2012 February

Is it Generalized Anxiety Disorder? Is it depression? Is it Social Anxiety Disorder? Or is it that I just think too much?
I don’t know.

It’s been more than a year when I am afraid of almost everything I do. I’ve become so self-conscious that I think what I do is always wrong and I’m giving people a reason to laugh at me. It wasn’t the same a few years back. I did not experience such fear before like I do now. Now, I become afraid when I get up in the morning as to how my day will go in school- obviously bad, and then I think that I won’t do anything that would make people mock at me. Then I think what if my teachers scold me if I stand and roam around in the class or if I talk to my friends? Then I think that I can’t play any game and if I go in the ground, people are going to laugh at me. Then I wish to go somewhere and hide from the cruel world. But this is not all. I fear for my grades in school which are gradually getting worse. I fear thinking if I would lose my friends, if they would stop talking to me, if my parents stop talking to me, or go away from me. I want to learn sports and play, but I can’t because of the fear of being mocked at. I have bad mood swings. Sometimes I’m happy and cheerful and happy for no reason. But at the other times, I don’t want to talk to anyone; I don’t want anyone around me. I don’t like if my parents come to my room and talk to me, or if a friend calls me. I feel like closing my door, putting a lock, and throwing my cell phone away. I feel angry and agitated and frustrated. Then my anger turns into grief and I suddenly want to cry my heart out. At night when I lay down at my bed, I start worrying thinking how my next day is going to be at school. I start praying to God, rather I start begging God to make my day good. All these worries and thoughts are irresistible. And yes, I do get nervous when a teacher calls me or when I have to go a place where I don’t know anyone. I feel as if I’m worthless and no one cares for me. I feel as if I’m forcing myself on my friends. I feel a weird kind of guilt when someone says sorry or please- it feels that I’m such an unkind person that those people have to say these words. I feel guilty when I see poor people and people who are suffering.

But this is just about my feelings which are mental. I’m not good physically either. I’m suffering headaches from more than 2 months, almost every day. Supporting it are aches and pains in my neck at the back and shoulders. Sometimes the pain is very strong and I feel my head becoming so heavy that I can’t even hold it on my neck. It’s not light-headedness but it feels that I can’t control where it is going. I feel dizzy at times when I think that I’m about to fall. This happens for just a few seconds and can happen anytime, even when I’m sitting and studying or simply talking to someone. When I’m sitting and then I stand, at that time, I feel dizzy and for a few seconds I’m not able to see things clearly and it becomes black in front of my eyes. I can’t concentrate on what I’m studying. When I study, sometimes, it feels like I can’t understand or retain the meaning of the words even though it’s a very simple sentence. No matter how hard I try to concentrate or how hard I try to understand the meaning I can’t retain the words. I feel tremors and twitches and hot flashes going upwards through my body. I can’t tolerate noise. I hate it when my brother shouts or my parents shout in agitation. Noise makes me frustrated and makes me want to cry. At times I feel butterflies in my stomach even though the situation doesn’t demand this kind of sensation. I feel exhausted and sleepy all the day- when I’m at school, in the afternoon after having lunch, in the evening. But at night when I finally go to sleep, it takes to half an hour to an hour to sleep. My sleep is mostly not satisfying- I wake up in the middle of night when I feel too hot or too cold.

At times I become so angry on someone that I want to either kill them or kill myself. And sometimes, I become so sad and feel so bad that I think why am I living such a hell-like life? Why not finish it? I don’t know anything, I can’t do anything. I can’t tolerate all these pains and worries and nervousness. But then I get some hope, that this all will get over someday and I will live a great life then.

I don’t know what is the reason of all this. But I want to come out of all this and be as I used to be before and be like everyone else I know- happy, and free of senseless thoughts and worries.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 22,Mar,12 08:56

How old are you?
The reason i ask is because something similar happened to me many years ago and i have never recovered. (im not saying that you wont, i hope you do by the way). I suppose i was always 'on edge' so to speak, my whole life that is, but it did appear to go through dormant phases and i would enjoy life for a while. I wonder if you have considered some form of aspergers syndrome might be the reason behind a lot of this. I believe i have the condition myself. Now i must emphasise that i am not a doctor or health practitioner of any kind, but i probably know more than your average person about this topic. Putting many of the things you have listed together: self conscious, anti-social behaviour, fear of grades, anger, mood swings, aches and pains, poor tolerance of noise, fatigue, insomnia, plus more are all indicative of an autism spectrum disorder. Given you seem like an intelligent, normally developed person it would point to a condition such as aspergers. Again im not providing a diagnosis here, just pointing some stuff out. Diagnosis for such a condition is difficult because the cause is unknown, and there are no set criteria to reach a diagnosis. Generally one is never even made because the doctors and psychologists/chiatrists juggle the issue. If your anything like me, you've probably avoided the mainstream medical professions due to there lack of ability (probably through no fault of their own) to handle such cases. This is one instance where the internet may provide you with some answers on your condition with some reliability. There are many tests you can find, some incredibly detailed, put together from highly credible sources as well. Im not saying there the be all - end all but i do suggest you give them a crack. Anyway hope ive been some help, hope its not to late for you to read this. If you want any further info just post a comment below, ill check this page out again. All the best


By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 20:58

Hi,
I am 60 and have to the letter what you are experiencing since 1990.I have been on so many different meds it makes my head spin. Some worked for a while but now none of them work and the "doctors" don't have a clue. So I started doing some research on my own and have found some very intresting things. I wondered why in the last 40 or so years so many people are having so many health problems wich when I was in my 20's didn't exist. I found a host of problems that are directly related to our inviroment.
One that I found definitly has made my problems worse is the effect of EMF's. If you google it you will find a host of problems these have been tied to. Aroung the world thousands of studies have been conducted, but in the USA it is being shoved under the carpet thanks to big corporations and the influnce they have on Government officals $$$$$ So do a google on EMF,dirty energy,wifi dangers, cell phone tower safty. Many researchers are saying this is the next tobacco coverup, by the time they finaly admit its a problem, it will be an unbelievable problem.


By take a look at it! at 24,Oct,13 20:38

a4USIZ Looking forward to reading more. Great blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Great.


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