TO start off, i am gay. And its something i struggled with my whole life being brought up in a christian family. My life seemed to be going great when i was young though.(popular, good looking, did well in school) but at the time i was denying myself. Eventually i started to want a relationship and in high school i started to realize who i was,a gay guy. i also started dressing more fem and becuase of it i felt i was starting to get treated as an outcast, i had a hard time making friends,and my family as a whole treated me like i was some freak. When i started to go through puberty i pretty much lost my looks and my confidence along with it. Its hard to keep any when your own mom calls you ugly. EVen though she takes care of me(food and housing), my mom has never treated me that well personally. and my dad is pretty much gone and moved away.
Now in the present, i hav started dressing more masculine adn i feel good looking once again. I also have come out to everyone except ym dad since he is not around, and i have no shame about it. But even now, i get treated differently. as if people know im gay so they avoid me/dont really bother with me. I have tried finding other gay people but its hard since they are a minority. Had 1 bf in the past, didnt last long. And everytime i try to get into a relationship with someone im attracted to i get shot down, and i really dont understand why. plenty of guys adn girls like me and fidn me attractive but the ones i like never do. My good friends are more concerned with thier bfs and dont havv time for me, which is understandable but sux. When it comes to making new friends, straight guys seem scared of me knowing im gay and girls r always in relationships. SO i really feel alone all the time. like if i died now no one would give 2 shits. anyway,the one person i can say i have is my brother but he is working a lot with plenty of his own problems. im currently unemploywed and tired of working for bad minumum wage jobs.everytime i get motivated to get a career, sumthing or someone like my mom brings me down and acts liek i wotn make it...seems like the list of problems goes on. I would really like sumthing to look foward to. but feel like ive lost hope.... like ill be in this endless cycle of gettign nowher for eternity. what can i use to motivate me and pull myself together?