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Sometimes I wonder if the fight is worth it...

Posted by TiredinNYC at February 28, 2012
Tags: Anxiety  2012 February

It all started in August a few years ago, I was laying down, relaxing reading a book when I got my first major panic attack. At the time, I thought it was just a fluke or because I was hungry but it was the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it. Things became really hard. My mother (i was 21 at the time) urged me to ask our doctor for medication and I did which resulted in the worst experience of my life. I was in the ER 2 times that night and was utterly sick for 3 weeks after. I had a promising life. I had graduated college with honors and had many offers for jobs in the fashion industry. I tried to get my life back in order a year later and accepted a job at a prominent fashion house. I started out with a lot of steam but after a few weeks I felt the anxiety looming so I quit and became even worse of an agoraphobic than before. Then all of the obsessive thoughts began kicking in. scared of germs, scared to eat meat, scared to eat anything due to fear of contamination, health concerns etc. My list of friends began to dwindle as did my social life (I am lucky that my loyal boyfriend has stuck with me). Then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to undergo surgery and the fear of possibly dying. My mother got lymphoma and my grandma and my dog died. My anxieties manifested into severe stomach problems which made me even more apprehensive about leaving the house. I started to really hate myself and still do. I feel like what is the sense in trying? I have tried everything to get better but everything just keeps getting worse. It sucks even more when everyone keeps telling me how talented I am and how I am getting older and I don't do anything with my life. I know I am capable of doing amazing things in my life and career but living like this is hell. I got another job on September, a really good one and my best friend stole it from right under me. So in a week I lost someone who I thought was like family and a job. My life just seems ever changing for the worst. I really do know what to do anymore. I am just wasting away, lonely and scared.


Similar Entries:
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New Comment

By at 06,Mar,12 00:43

hi. i am from nyc too and i suffered from anxiety. i still suffer from it but not as severe as before. i am just curious as to what medication you took that you reacted to so badly? i took zooloft and it helped me out, but i also made a lot of life style changes and read up on anxiety. anxiety is not really like a short term illness that will go away once you take the meds or antibiotics. it's all in your head and it stays with you forever. you seem like you got it really bad. it could be chronic stress seeing as how you got it right after graduating college. you were stressed out and nervous about starting a new time in your life and your career. and the stomach problems are all stress related. you have to find out what works for you. i take stress b vitamins and i changed my diet. got rid of all the things that made me anxious like coffee, alcohol and sugar. i also exercise whenever i feel anxious. that helps a lot. i just go out for a walk and it really clears my head. i really hope you get better. if you ever want to talk, my email is best of luck.

By anonymous at 06,Mar,12 04:11

"Then Jesus said, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls". Matthew 11:29. I also agree with the first comment. Anxiety is a real problem, if you are having trouble with it I would talk to a physician about. Keep your head up, you'll get back on track soon.


By ME at 06,Mar,12 17:27

When I was 12 i had MAJOR, im talking MAJOR anxiety problems... I remember the first time, I felt panicky or anxious very vividly. I woke up in the morning, a typical tuesday, thought about everything I had to do.I had forgotten, a project for school, and knew my parents would be super pissed when I got a zero. I walked downstairs, and the second I saw my mom, I threw up all over the place... looking back on it... it was kinda funny... but anyways, what we did, was I went to see a youth counsellor, like 1 or twice a month. That helped a lot. Im 14 now, and I haven't had a panic attack in over a year... maybe you could try that?

By anonymous at 06,Mar,12 21:47

I have had panic disorder since the age of 15 and i am 57 now. I could not leave my house for most of my teen years and when i did I had to be high on sleeping pills, but i am still here, still have panic disorder but I am able tocontrol it most of the time. If you need somone to talk to you can emailme at

By anonymous at 07,Mar,12 22:40

I'm not even sure how I found this site, but I feel much the same way you do on a daily basis. I know it's different for everyone, but you're not totally alone. I've struggled with anxiety, depression and OCD since I was around 11. I'm only 26 now, but as you know every single day can feel pretty long and hopeless. Right when you think you're getting somewhere, another defeating thought creeps in. You wonder why it's so easy for everyone else. Its frustrating and I often wonder what's the point. I've tried medication and had some bad experiences - but I found a combination along with abilify that has helped as much as medication can. But I'm getting back into cognitive therapy tomorrow. You can find cheap or sliding scale places, and so so many people swear by it. I was hesitant and unmotivated but eventually I got so frustrated with living this way I made an appointment. Sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective because being locked in your head can be a scary and lonely place. You've got nothing to lose, it can't hurt to try it once. Start with little goals, then worry about the big stuff. Try to force yourself to be positive, even when it sucks. Easier said than done of course, I still struggle everyday. But I owe it to myself to try everything I can. So do you. Idk if this helps, but I hope you know you're not totally alone. it sucks, but keep trying.

By anonymous at 16,Mar,12 14:04

The truth is there are core beliefs at work in you, which you have been able to avoid due to the coping mechanisms you developed as a child. Anxiety is all about fear and those core beliefs without the buffer of survival mechanisms are most likely terrifying and so all that comes from them is terrifying. The truth is they are wrong, and you are beautiful simply because you are, and you should have been told this daily by parents who love you unconditionally. This helps you form a sense of a loving divine power, of safety in the world and safety in your own body. Without these messages, or even if they are kinda there but some trauma happens and the messages don't adjust to meet the need, the core beliefs firm up in your being. The work is to change them and it is challenge and it is work but they CAN be changed. Imagine walking tomorrow out your door and feeling like you are beautiful and lovely and people enjoy your beauty and wonder and talent and you are loved by God because of how special and unique you are. That is a possible life for you but you must see that beliefs are working in you which you must slowly and gently change. Find a really good therapist, drugs are helpful but they are not the answer, they only treat the symptom not the cause. This world has a way of making people feel rejected when they are not feeling well and this is part of the cultural lie and the difficulty with our nation.

There is truth out here that you are perfect and you can heal when you learn slowly to parent yourself, to see that and to begin to adjust those beliefs. The anxiety will pass as you do this work but you will become what you feed yourself with. Review a day in your life and ask how you are feeding your soul.

That is the emptiness to fill. You are not alone.

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