first of all every donkey thinks that its load is the heaviest which is true when it comes when to people and there lot in life. I just feel like I am at the end of mine. I am 27 old living with depression who lives in a run down home which i cant afford even to fix enough to sell it, with a newborn baby of 2 months and with the dad who is a alcholic and drug additic. Life has always been a struggle and i feel that only dying will solve the dissapointment and sadness.
i grew up with a mom who was chronically depressed and an alcholoic who mentally and phyically abused me. Ontop of that we were so poor that i only got new clothing maybe once a year which i was never allowed to pick out myself. I had loving grandparents which are dead now but they didnt want to interfer with my mothers parenting skills (what a joke) after all she was the MOM.
i was never able to have friends since we lived in such a small community and the police were always at my home so kids werent allowed to hang out with me. not only that; my mother was the town whore so people didnt want kids over at the home to play with me and i wasnt allowed to go anywhere really. my mom used to get drunk for days and sometimes not know who i was she would call me her dead sisters name and sometimes look through me. she would say things like i am going to kill myself i want you to take my bank card and take all my money and go and live with your aunt just so i would cry and say mommy please dont do that i love you. from the time i was 7 she would leave me home alone for sometimes 2 days at a time. i was never able to join any sports i was horrible at school. no friends anti social that was me awesome. sometimes going to school with black eyes and bruises. i have had only 4 good birthdays in my lifetime. Either my mom was beating me or someone was beating her up there was always blood and broken things in my home empty beer cans and the smell of smoke. And this was all before i was 12.
When i was 12 I went into foster care. With a family who had 3 young children of there own.
they wanted me to assimulate into there family but the thing is i already had a family a shitty one but i had one i just wanted somewhere safe where there was food and shelter and i could come and go as i pleased. They didnt like this idea. see i never trusted people and they wanted me to say every detail of where i was going and what i was doing for example. I would say i am going to the bathroom. They would want me to say that i am going to the bathroom and having a bowel movement. so i would constantly have them say i am telling half truths and be lectured. secondly there kids always reminded me that i was not there favorite foster kid there were always others that came before that were always so much better then i was. which was an awesome feeling.(not) in the foster home i never got enough to eat becausse they would never allow for more then the canada food guide portions because of this i lost soo much weight that they started saying i was anorexic. then they got another foster kid who was 4 years older then me and who go me into shop lifting. we got got together of coarse but i was the only one who got in trouble i dont know why that was. i was accused as well of stealing there little girls dress and a bottle of liquor of them which i never did. The foster dad would go right up in my face and yell "your nothing but a little theif and a liar." and i am not welcome in their home anymore. By this time it had been a year so it was either off to another foster home or back to my mom. So better the devil you know then the devil you dont. On the first night my mom beat me so bad i was stuck in bed for two days and told never to pull shit like that again. So the beatings the fighting the neglect the getting left at school until 10pm at night when i was told i would be picked up for 330 continued to happen. honestly i soo soo blessed that i was able to go to my grandparents intermittently. This went on for 4 more years then my mom wanted me to move to BC. which we did and the same shit there except this time no grandparents no school no support network for me anymore. Depression was really hard at this time. during this time my dad came into our lives and left just as fast bringing the money and taking it with him as he left. believe me there are way more painful stories there but this monologue would be way to long if i listed all the shit. my mom refused to get a job and i was still in school i was soo poor i couldnt even feed myself let alone all the animals my mom intended to rescue. imangine being so poor u have to steal toilet paper. the animals I had to get rid of some of them when my mom was on a binder and not able to stop me i will feel guilty for the rest of my life. also there was times things were so bad i had to run away and sleep outside because who wants to let in a kid at 2-3 in the morning when most people have to get up at 7. I didnt want to bother anyone. I tried to hitchhick and almost got raped until i screamed out i have aids which saved my ass. Then 1 day in grade 12 my mom dissapeared for 4 days then the hydro was cut off and the phone was cut off i didnt know what to do anymore. i walked to school crying that morning and just so defeated i wanted to die. my teacher wouldnt even let me class i was turned away straight to the counsellors office. after that i was placed in foster care again and life was good for 6 months then i got into katimavik and that really helped my life. My grandfarther died before i was done i never got to say goodbye. After katimavik i moved back home to my original province there i went and got a job and a boyfriend and drank myself stupid got really fat and still felt shitty. i guess all the beatings fighting and trying to survive the scenes in public my mom used to do as well were all catching up with me. but i did buy a house thinking i would sell within 5 years it was a bit of fixer upper in my eyes but it would be my own somewhere there was no fighting and i could be the who kicked people out. no more sleeping in the streets or at crack houses. No more having guys say well what are you going to do for me. the boyfriend cheated and moved out within 6 months of living in the house. After i had a really nice 2 years of my life until the guy i was with left me. i just had too much baggage for him. untill this day i asked wtf did i do wrong. i just wanted someone to love me. i wanted to have a family and live in a nice home and be comfortable i never asked to be rich just to have a extra buck or two incase something goes wrong which it always does. every penny i have put into the house had cost me a couple grand and now i have a home with my kitchen which is falling into the ground because i am too scared to crawl under the addition and jack it up. cuboards that have mice running through them and i cant get rid of them good for nothing cat. all funiture that i have found in back lanes or has been donated to me. 120000 in debt. a intoxicated boyfriend that keep pressuring me for sex which is too painfull from having a baby. the boyfriend i support finacially and i just had a baby so i will forever be ugly. I am too poor to do anything but go back to work asap i dont even no how i will be able to bpay for day care. i hate myself today and i am soo tired of the dissapointments. Honestly if it wasnt for my newborn baby girl..... And days like today i dont know if it will be enough.
My baggage is i am scared of the dark i cannot sleep without a light on i worry about everything. i have contant aniexty attacks. i always feel like i am soo poor that i will have to go back to stealing toilet paper again. i dont have any friends that i can talk to about this they all all aquaintences. my partner doesnt get it and i am scared and loosing him i hate him and love it just the same. we have been together for 1 year and the kid is just born 2 months ago so that brings in questions am i whore too.
SO now i dont even have my body anymore.
i am broke, ugly, depressed have no friends and a crying baby 24/7 fuck me.
who wants a chick with a baby
who wants a chich with contstant aniexty no one wants to be accidently nagged.
if you dont do it yourself dont expect anyone to help u. expect all trades people to rip you off i never get a break.
oh my mom finally killed herself last mothers day. now i have no one not even a drunk mentally distrubed mom to talk to
i have been going to counselling but i feel like its only working sometimes.
i dont know where to go from here. fear of loosing everything i worked for weighs heavy on me and somedays i think it would be better to live on the street then the broken down home that i keep trying to save. besides the child i really would like something to go well in my life has been 25 years of shit and i am only 27. where is the fun part was i only allowed those 2 years? is that all you get in life? and how do you make friends. oh that is right you need money to do activities or you need to be a religious person it would be nice to know how.