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Posted by Sash hole at March 3, 2012
Tags: Family  Health  2012 March

My husband and I tried for three years to have a baby . Lost two babies before our third decided to stick around. In my third month of pregnancy my husband got diagnosed with AML. A very aggressive type of leukemia. We did months of chemo, spent our savings for the baby on rent for a house that we weren't staying in because we were in a hospital 24/7. Right before the birth of our daughter, my husband was pronounced in remission and life was great. Two years later we decided to try for a second baby. Not being at all sure if baby number two was even a realistic possibility, we tried our best and sure enough baby number two was on the way. Once again in my third month of pregnancy, the CANCER is back. A bone marrow transplant is the only option. There is no donor. We carry on with chemo. Me working full time. Being a mom too a two year old full time, and driving three hours away to the hospital every spare second i had while all the while being very pregnant. We made the decision to stay home. No more hospitals. Our second daughter was born. We named her Vida. Life. We waited for a bone marrow donor but one never came. He got sicker. I was taking care of a two year old, a new born, and my husband. I was running out of maternity leave and money. It was ok though because we had our family and I thought we could beat anything. I loved him so much. I had no idea how hard it was for him to watch me work so hard. Maternity leave ended. He got more sick. I came home from work late one night and he had shot himself in the chest. I found him. He was still warm. I sat in his blood and held him and screamed. My babies don't have their daddy. I don't have my husband. My two year old daughter asks for him every day. I am dead inside but I am still expected to function. I work full time. Im a mom full time. I am so depressed i want to just not wake up. I love my kids. I hate my life.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
cant take it anymore April 16, 2012
my fucking rant September 17, 2011
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Wrong choices = life sucks November 14, 2011
I HATE LIFE! December 22, 2011



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Comments:
By anonymous at 07,Mar,12 17:12

WOW.. You are tough.


By anonymous at 07,Mar,12 21:28

I'm very sorry to hear what happened. Your kids need to love life and they need their Mom to make that possible. Imagine what your kids would be like without you? They need you... They need you to be their guiding light.They need you in their life.


By anonymous at 07,Mar,12 21:31

you'll pull through. im so sorry. pray to God for help. there IS someone out there that cares. think of the kids. they can't lost both their parents..


By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 02:21

Support network, find it. You have overcome so many obstacles and with great success! I don't but the norm of "why do bad things happen to good people", bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, and vice versa.

Check out Paul Scanlon from ALM. You might find some help there.

Chin up and take care.


By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 02:24

Clearly this sucks for you but there is really no call for your snarky title. Plenty of people besides you have real problems that genuinely affect their lives, even if they are not the same as yours. I am sorry for your many losses.
By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 14:42

pray to God that you never have anything close to this happen to you and be gratefull for what you have. I think you would be a little "snarky" too if this happened to you. Insensitive Prick!!!!!
By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 15:55

The only one who is insensitive is you. Pray to god? Are you fucking nuts? Do you not think they havent already? Moron. God DOESNT EXIST. Suicides think he does, they think theres and afterlife, but there isnt.
If god is real, why the fuck isnt he loving this family. And you think theyve done something to deserve this? you think god is punishing them, I bet you do dont you? that how all you fucking relgious nuts think.
GOD DOESNT EXIST.
What she needs is SUPPORT. Not GOD! Get it right in your head for fucks sake!
By at 08,Mar,12 19:50

GOD DOES EXIST YOU NEED TO STOP SAYING THAT!IF GOD DOESNT EXIST THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE CROSS AND CHURCH AND EVERYTHING ELSE! HAVE YOU DIED TO KNOW FOR SURE THERES NO HEAVEN ARE YOU SATON? STOP SAYING THINGS YOU DONT KNOW!
By at 08,Mar,12 20:03

sorry just reread tht god person talk;NO THATS NOT HOW WE THINK OF IT "YOU DESERVED IT" YOU HAVE TO GET THRU BAD TO GET GOOD...SHE NEEDS TO BE STRONG AND HAVE SUPPORT AND THINK POSITIVE! EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON WHETHER GOOD OR BAD! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO PUT YOU IN CHECK!YOU SAID HEAVEN DOESNT EXIST WELL YOULL HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE THATS THE PLACE YOULL NEVER BE!


By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 06:49

How can anyone vote "not that bad"?? Sick people.....


By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 14:59

Really horrible. I am so sorry. I hope you can find peace someday and be happy again.


By anonymous at 09,Mar,12 11:24

THis is soooooo sad. Im sorry for you and your children. I cant imagine the pain that you are feeling and the lonlyness that you are experiencing. Everything in life happens for a reason, i hope you find a great man to take care of you and your children for years to come. Stay strong.


By anonymous at 28,Mar,12 00:14

What a rotten time you have had, and it's not over yet, since obviously you have to be strong for your babies. Remember how much they need you.

Life will get better. Some day you will laugh again. Be at peace.


By anonymous at 30,Mar,12 02:15

Hang in there girl, life sucks, and I am sure it was one of the hardest things that your husband had to do , take his own life. I too have cancer and a really shitty life, and I can understand where he was coming from. It did it for you and your children, it is hard to watch your family suffer. watching you in pain day after day, its so hard to hang in there. You can stick your GOD bullshit up your arse, No god would do the things that are done to people if it was all real. life is hard enough with bring a third person into it..... If there was a god he wouldn't let this sort of thing happen.....


By anonymous at 03,Apr,12 17:30

You shouldn't be having kids. What the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you bring so many innocent lives into existence and force them to suffer in this sick world. You deserve everything that came to you.


By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 19:14

Sell your babies and by drugs!


By anonymous at 10,May,12 16:37

thankyue


By anonymous at 14,Nov,12 22:27

This is the first time I've cried while reading this site. Good luck with your struggle.


By Stelica at 27,Nov,12 13:25

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By Gundosyiu at 27,Jun,13 17:01

Aloha! iwp


By adidas ¥¢¥Ç¥£¥À¥¹ Re at 30,Oct,13 02:43

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By Moncler Pet Zwart at 22,Sep,15 00:12

Im not going to say what everyone else has already said, but I do want to comment on your knowledge of the topic. Youre truly well-informed. I cant believe how much of this I just wasnt aware of. Thank you for bringing more information to this topic for me. Im truly grateful and really impressed.


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