LIFE SUCKS

just stuff

Me: [to the Bible teacher Helen] Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Helen: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
Me: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Helen: Well that's not -
Me: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them.
[ponders]
Me: There was nothing they could do about it.
Helen: But, I don't think –
Me: Really it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Helen: Well, that's good, but -
Me: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!

I when from having 5 girls who would do anything for me, now, down to none…
I did it all for one girl whom I loved, I thought it could work, Even though I knew it would not. I gave up every thing, every one, for the one I thought had a chance at true happiness.
I gave it all up, for her, for love.
Now I have nothing.

Nothing:
We start, then, with nothing, pure zero. But this is not the nothing of negation.
For not means other than, and other is merely a synonym of the ordinal numeral second.
As such it implies a first; while the present pure zero is prior to every first.
The nothing of negation is the nothing of death, which comes second to, or after, everything.
But this pure zero is the nothing of not having been born. There is no individual thing, no compulsion, outward nor inward, no law.
It is the germinal nothing, in which the whole universe is involved or foreshadowed. As such, it is absolutely undefined and unlimited possibility -- boundless possibility.
There is no compulsion and no law. It is boundless freedom.

So know what?

Not for you.
I still think about you almost all the time.
As time heals all wounds; this to shall pass.
I just wanted to say I love you, one last time, “I love you”
I am, however, disappointed that I let all this happen.
Yes, I know; my decisions. My choices. My consequences. My hell. And yes, ultimately all your fault some how.
I think the one thing that bothers me the most is I really think we could have made it; together.
We could have been truly happy together… finally, a family.
Family! Do you even know how important that is?
Not just a house. Not just me or you.
But a home. Our home. Our family. Us, all of us, together.

Now all I have is work and bills to pay.
How… why…did I ever let this happen?
This sucks… Yet, this too shall pass.
I have been working so hard. You would be so proud.
Been working out all my problems.
I am finally winning this life long fight with alcoholism.
I am spending so much with my son, getting to know him even better, getting to know his friends and their families. He IS my only and best friend.
I bought a bike. We have been going on bike rides. He has been showing me how good he is at taking jumps; I have been noticing that I am not 9 anymore.
Been spending a whole lot of time working with him on his reading and writing. He is so fucking smart. I just hope I can get through to him just how important education is.
All I want for him is to have a better, and less troubled, life than I.
I try so hard, you don’t even know.
I am all he has… Huh… just think about that. That’s one hell of a responsibility.
But I am trying. Trying as hard as I fucking can. For him, and for myself, but than again, without me he has no one. And with out him I have no one.
So I have no choice. As I tell him “the time to try is over, now it’s time to just do” so it is time I take my own advice. As much as it sucks, I just have to do it. No more trying, no more excuses just do.
So I guess I just to have to man up and take it.
I still get depressed, a lot, all the time really.
But again, this to shall pass.
I guess I just want to tell you I still regret letting you slip away.
And no longer having you in my life. And That sucks.
Yet again, this to shall pass.
Or so I keep telling my self…

I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on his pad, but God's got this all-wrong. We are not all special. We are not all crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.

How do the rest of you do it?
I work and work and work, Why?
I try and try and try still I find no one.
Every day I wake up and think this will be the day. This will be the day things change. This will be the day she walks into my life.
Will this will be the day I can smile again.

I try to find a balance in life. My work, my house, my life, my sadness, my sanity… Still I wonder how others do it.
I look at there lives and see people surrounding them self’s with people they don’t even like. Why? Just to not be alone? WHY!
It’s not hard to find some one to be with, but it is imposable to find some one you want to be with.
It is to the point of giving up, call me a quitter. Just as things start to go good, I quit, and leave. They say to me “it not that you cheat, its that you lied about it” “Its not that you left, its how you left” well I say fuck you, It IS the fact that I cheat, and it IS the fact that I will leave!
Maybe this is just my life.
Or maybe I just need a reason to stay; maybe I just need the right one...
Maybe I just need you.
Mentally, I am incredibly strong.
Physically, I am incredibly strong.
Emotionally, I am incredibly strong.
Spiritually, I am empty.
My soul is devoid of any happiness.
Spiritual Bankruptcy.
I have given it all away. Now there’s nothing left for me… or you
Every day it’s the same.
Work, clean, then a small handful of Valium and sleeping pills washed down with vodka to kill the pain.
The next morning I do it all over again, nothing changes. Nothing new. Nothing fun. Nothing exciting… And all alone.
This IS my hell. And YES, I did create every part of it. And I blame no one but myself.

So now, now what do I do?
Is this it?
Is this all there is?
Was that the best of it?
Are the best times really over?
Is there nothing left?
Nothing left to try for?
is there nobody left to love?

I saw a most beautiful sun set.
I sat still and peaceful atop my roof as I watched the sun slowly disappear past the horizon and day slowly surender to night.
I saw the brightly colored clouds in the sky give way to the black night sky filled with stars. And I thought “wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share this with.” A lump formed in the back of my throat and I felt I single drop of warm rain drip down my cheek. Wiping it away with the back of my hand, I quickly stood up tall and strong. I crawled back thru the window and did the only thing I could, drink.


The more you fall in love is just all that much further you have to fall before you can hit bottom when it’s gone.
Once you hit bottom, yeah it hurts, but you’re safely on the ground. The only risk is if you live to love again.

-Tom