hi, my name is angela and im 37 yrs old. my life has been based on not being allowed nothing. i was born in a family that always isolated me, wasnt allowed to believe in any thing, wasnt allowed to be interested in anything, wasnt allowed to express myself, had to live my life in fear, had to hate people of all races cause apparently they are all bad, wasnt allowed to have feelings, wasnt allowed to make any choice, wasnt allowed to be happy. i grew up emotionally, mentally and physically screwed up. my father is an alcoholic to this day and my mother is totally dependant on him. she lives with several personalities that i couldnt undertsand growing up. we could only be interested in what my father wanted or else nothing. my mother corrupted my head as a teen making me think i was fat or getting fat and would make me go on diets all the time to the point i was starving myself. she wouldnt let me eat and when i got too skinny, she would say what are you doing? eat something your so skinny. my father didnt want to allow me to go to high school cause it would require taking a bus to go there and that means i will be around people. it was wrong to socialize or get ready to see the world. i was bullied for most of my childhood and teen yrs and my older brother would come to my rescue all the time cause i couldnt count on my parents to help me, my father would say ahhh its gonna pass. i lived my life so miserable growing up with parents that it affected me hard when i became an adult. they didnt want me to grow up, i wasnt allowed to. i wasnt allowed to be me cause it was wrong. they taught me nothing but pure misery and that life is depressing and there is nothing to do and no one is good in the world. my father would say no to anything and everything and that people are gonna rape me kill me murder me and hurt me. my mother called me a whore when i kissed a boy at 14 yrs old. i was raped at 15 yrs old cause i didnt know better and to this day my parents will never know. as soon as i turned 18 i knew i had to leave somehow, and my way out was going to live with the guy i met at that age, he manipulated me and got me hooked on drugs and i thought i was doing the right thing cause it made me feel good and it felt better than living with my parents, so i found the perfect opportunity to have a big fight with my parents and run to live with him. i lived through 6 long yrs of hell with him until i found a way to get out of that and i feared for my life. i had one friend who helped me out of it and i wasnt getting insulted by my ex at the time about it. i had very few friends in elementary and high school, i was like a reject. so i lived with my friend until i got myself a place and felt so lost. i was learning to live without anyone telling me what to do and instead of drugs i started drinking til it made me sick. as a single person, i went through my friend trying to tell me what to do and i would listen cause it was the only friend i had. but i eventually had to hide myself from her cause she was getting under my skin about everything. i used sex as a replacement for drugs and alcohol. i would use men cause i hated them so much until i made a wonderful ugly reputation for myself. i kept myself stuck in a little world of my own using different tactics to try and make myself happy and nothing worked. drugs, alcohol, sex, working out at gyms, i was obsessed with wanting to know whats gonna make me happy. i jumped from one thing to another, ending up going to the doctor for std tests. i felt like everyone i ever met always got on my case about something or tried to tell me what to do. my second boyfriend of 4 yrs put me through hell too with his bullshit. i have a new boyfriend of 3 yrs now and i think i love him, however i have put myself in a trap again, i had a child with him and i went absolutely insane. i thought i was gonna be happy having a child and it turned to be a disaster. he was constantly on drugs which led me into the insanity of drugs when i should have known better by now. the only time i was ever sober was the nine months i carried my child. we were both so insane and all kinds of crap happened that i ended up giving custody to his sister for my child cause that child deserves to be growing up normal. after all this, i am almost a yr sober and clean going to AA and CA meetings following the book with the 12 steps, my family doesnt talk to me, his family doesnt talk to me, i dont know how me and my boyfriend are going to last, i feel so screwed up in my head and im an emotional wreck and mentally unstable to take of myself or even a child. this boyfriend keeps trying to impose shit on me that i dont want to do and calls me retarded for not wanting to do it. im 37 yrs old not being able of being me and i dont know how to take control cause im constantly being harrassed. i cant stand it anymore and i feel like ending my life cause im not allowed to be me. | |