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Another Sad Story

Posted by AV at March 7, 2012
Tags: Justice  Loneliness  2012 March  Money

Last February, I was arrested, and I ended up spending 26 days in jail for sending apologetic, obsessive, and stupid e-mails to a woman who wanted nothing to do with me. I used to have a good job, a nice apartment, and good community. My life was beginning to move in a positive direction. I now have a criminal record, and I lost my job in October. I am fortunate enough to live in the back room of someone in my communities house. But I have been here for 4 months already, and I know I need to leave sooner or later. I have no money, $1.06 to my name. I have applied for many jobs but no luck. My family lives in a foreign country, and I feel very alone, and without direction. I am angry at myself, and at G-d, and very sad that I have lost so much control over my life, and I have a criminal record for something upsetting, and for being hurtful. I feel suicidal a lot of times, and like my life makes no sense. I strive to be a good person, but I get very lost. I am homosexual, and transgender, and I feel a lot of guilt and shame, I feel I am a bad person. I used to be happy. I feel I have no identity and no integrity, and I wish I did. I cry a lot, because I am not sure what I should do. I am waiting for my unemployment cheques but the process got slowed down. I can't pay for therapy. I don't know, from what I understand, my father suffered from a stroke, and I have not been able to talk him. I don't have much of a relationship with family anymore. I hate my life. I have mood swings that leave me very depressed or elated that I have to suppress because I don't want to get in trouble, I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to be crazy. I feel very distant from G-d and from myself, and for everything that ever had meaning to me. I feel very sad, and I was raised to have a lot of faith, but the reality of things getting better seem very distant, and I feel G-d or society is punishing me for things I understand and don't understand. I've made a lot of mistakes, I believe I am a nice person, I wish my life had meaning. I wish if G-d is real, that I get help, motivation, and direction, I feel very alone, depressed, broken, and brokenhearted. I wish to be successful in this life, and I want to be happy doing it, and be a good person. I don't know the meaning of life, but I pray to G-d there is a good one.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 00:38

God is a friend to the wounded heart, and he knows your secret scars - that's a song that keeps me in times of sorrow. This may be a season of great sadnesss for you, but all we have in this life is hope, and through faith, our hopes become reality. Keep your hope alive, and remember that joy comes in the morning! God loves you so much, that no mater what you go through, he gives you a bright spot everyday, look for that bright spot in everday and be grateful for it becase our father loves a grateful heart. He will bless you, just believe it and recieve it. I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Be blessed and hold your head high because you mean something to someone, and you are not forgotten.

By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 11:26

Well on a positive note you express yourself well and sound intelligent. You recognize you made a mistake and you've learned from it. Now you can move on with your life. The only thing to be ashamed of would be not learning from your mistakes and doing the same dumb things repeatedly. I don't think that will happen in your case. Sometimes it only takes one bad experience to straighten us out and put us on the right path. Also, there's nothing wrong with your gender or sexuality. Learn to accept and love yourself for who you are. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you. Good luck.

By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 15:19

I'm confused. You said you got in trouble for stalking a woman, but you are a gay male? Anyway, I don't mean to nit-pick, I just want to get your story straight...
Depending on the state, every state is different, stalking is usually a misdemeanor. If you don't mind me asking, was it a felony or misdemeanor? If it was merely a misdemeanor, they don't follow you around, and when you fill out an application, you don't have to list a misdemeanor. A felony, on the other hand, is something that you need to report, at least in the state of NH. Where I live.
Anyhow, it may not be as "doomsday" as you may think.

By Nick at 19,Mar,12 11:34

There must be something that you're not mentioning. There is no way you'd get 26 days in jail for sending messages by email, unless you included pictures of your junk. So what exactly was the deal?

By anonymous at 20,May,12 16:22

Be nice.

You have an amazing ability with self-description. Have you ever considered becoming a writer?

By Monika at 05,May,13 15:23

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