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in a dull funk

Posted by anonymous at March 8, 2012
Tags: Loneliness  2012 March

I am a 46 years old male, single, lonely, no real friends, but I have a decent job I enjoy. I daydream a lot, too much. My sleep is irregular but I manage to get 4-6 hours while working full-time. I've met several very nice women in my life and have had several girlfriends but I've never been in a long-term relationship. When women want to get closer or move in together I literally freak out and somehow run away. I have been notoriously introverted all my life and reaching out to make friends is the hardest thing. I want to have more friends but often feel I don't have much to offer. I feel so awkward with people. I have contemplated suicide for years and honestly feel capable of it. I have an absolutely terrible non-relationship with my father (who I dislike), my mother (whom I love) has passed on, and I have brothers and a sister who I haven't spoken to for over 15 years. My life feels so underachieved but not totally worthless. I feel emotional pain of loneliness and worthlessness. I wouldn't mind dying if I had an car accident or something. Worst of all I feel people at work reach out to me but I don't know how to respond in kind, almost like I don't deserve their friendliness. I am a man but feel so much like a little kid. I am ashamed of being me.


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Comments:
By Cookie at 10,Mar,12 17:54

I understand how you feel. I really do.

It is difficult. More than most people care to realize or empathize with. I, too, have no friends. I have tried but nothing ever solidifies. I feel like a child in a world of adults trying to find someone who will reach out, understand my awkwardness and hang in there with me; giving me a chance to get comfortable and show who I really am.

I don't trust men enough to get close to them (been taken advantage of by too many opportunists eager to pretend friendship just long enough to get what they wanted). But I still long to have someone prove to me that there are good guys out there.

A relative of mine died last week. He had a wife, four children and friends. Still, he struggled with depression and not feeling good enough for anyone. One of his final comments on his Facebook page was "Sometimes I just wish I could disappear..".

A few hours later he went for a walk to clear his mind (as he liked doing) and a truck slammed into him and fled the scene. Hit-and-run. The truck was found abandoned the next day.

His last words are not only haunting but I struggle with feelings of envy (he is no longer here suffering through the emotional pains that made his life so difficult) and fear (we think of death as a solution for our problems as long as we feel we have control over whether we act on it it or not; my relative is no longer here to hold onto the option of "things could get better, tomorrow could be better" .. I don't want this option taken away from me so suddenly and unpredictably as my relative had happen to him).

I long for a day when I do find this void within me has been filled (be it with the support and love of friends, a partner or maybe something else I am completely overlooking). I feel like nobody will ever see what I see in me. But I hold out in hopes that someday someone will.

Please don't be ashamed of being you. This world is all too quick and eager to tear you down. There is no sense in doing their dirty work for them.

I wish you luck in finding what you need. It's a struggle but one in which I hope you continue to live for.


By anonymous at 10,Mar,12 20:43

i feel you. i am the same. it's just the introverted thing. i am very introverted myself and i need my space. we say we are lonely but then when people try to get close to us, we push them away. i think it's a defense mechanism against getting hurt. introverts are also very sensitive and just very reserved. i feel ya. i get lonely sometimes but other times i am OK. it sucks being an introvert, that's all i got say. i wish i was more outgoing and open but i am not.


By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 10:05

atleast you are 46 now , but im 25 and i hate my life ... and im afraid to commit suicide


By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 12:47

I am there too. I hate society and am mad at God and death is eventually coming anyway so why can't I die allready?


By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 16:00

To all of you, I do not know you but I hurt for you. I share those feelings to a much lesser extent and I can understand how you feel. All of us love people, we want to have friends and we want to love them and be loved by them, may be the avoidance is because of the pain that comes with an anticipated rejection, but trust me, not every time you will be rejected. Do not hate yourself, no one is perfect, love that child inside you and do not be ashamed of him. Try to think outside the box and outside you. Think of helping others and you will see a meaning for your life bigger than you thought. Learn to love in a God-like way, do not expect anything back, just be out there to hold the hands of other souls and you will feel them and you will reach their hearts, please do not hurt yourself, you are lucky to be alive, and by the way, I am not religious and I have serious doubts about the existence of God, do not think I am crazy preacher who loves in a magical world, I live here and I beg you to stay here, all love...


By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 17:03

I understand you all. im 52 aaargh. Still have not met my night in shining armour even though i have three children. Husband used to beat me then next chap died of pancreatic cancer next chap had aids then i was too accomodating and last chap left me cos i was too caring???could happily drive into a tree


By anonymous at 11,Mar,12 18:29

Exactly every feeling I struggle with daily. I am a 47-year-old female. I feel there is not one person in the world who cares and everyday I look forward to death. I know no one would miss me. I have two grown children who love me, but are wrapped in their lives. Family is just cold. No one cares.


By anonymous at 05,Jun,12 18:14

fuckman lighten up.life is harsh but joy is unpredictable,your joy co


By Sunny at 15,May,17 01:49

Thank you so much for this arleitc, it saved me time!


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