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Posted by AloneAsUsual at March 8, 2012
Tags: 2012 March  Mistakes

Growing up Ive never had any real friends, never really connected, withdrawing was a pattern in my life. When I did achieve getting a "friend" at 16 I found that she wasnt a friend at all. Throughout the years she would pop up, in and out of my life. sometimes she'd stop talking to me, the longest stretch was for 3 years. I realize it was my insecurity that made me not tell her to just leave me alone. She was all I thought I deserved as a friend. The things shes pulled through the years is irrelevent but it shaped the way I saw her and others. I was 24 when I went to celebrate my birthday in Mexico. I was at my familys house when I went out and came home and was raped by my uncle. I didnt fight back and I experienced such guilt and revulsion in myself that I thought it was me and that somehow I wanted it. I remember distinctly the things he said during the act and it affected and still affects me to this day. I can recall with such detail the things he did, even though it happend over 12 years ago. My own mother and aunt said it was my fault for going over there and getting drunk. I came back and called the one person that for a year tried his damndest to get my attention by bullying the people around me at work. I didnt know till much later the things he had done. 3 months later not only did my 2 new found friends turn their backs on me. I was alone, homeless, pregnant,and not a single person, aside from 2 supervisors, talked to me. Those were the loneliest 3 months I have ever experienced. My sons father made it a point that he didnt want to marry only to get married to his ex girlfriend, when my son was 4 months old, the same one that hit me. He took no interest in MY son for the first 2 years of his life. Didnt help me but had the audacity to take me to court and sue for custody. To this day he makes things difficult for me, tries to dictate, and complains about how I dont work. Excuse me, but your wife doesnt work. She goes to school as I do but wait you dont support me why should you care if I work or not? Ive been told shes is jealous of me when I do speak of her. I cant fathom why. Shes married to the man who fathered my child, who LEFT us for her. It broke me when he left. forget the fact that I loved him, but he left not only me, which gave me the Im not good enough complex, but he left me AND my son. Like we werent good enough. Even now he has the nerve to tell me hes taking me to court. It took me a long time to realize it wasnt me at all. Its all him. It took me years to come to grips with the fact that the I grew up in a very disfunctional family. A family that inflicted its own little torments, that used psyhological warfare, that were callous and indifferent to the painful things that were said. Even now a woman in her late 30's I struggle with the choices I make, I second guess my decisions, am hypersensitive about the things I say or do. I regret when I blow up and often times overcompensate. Its a struggle for me to even talk to someone but I try. Even though I can speak to people, articulate my feelings and carry conversations its hard for me to even connect on a basic level. Something as easy as breathing to other people. People often times leave thinking we're friends. All I can think is, we're nothing than what we were from the start, just two people having a conversation.


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New Comment

By Cursed at 11,Mar,12 17:56

Being raped by your uncle has probably contributed to you not trusting people. Totally makes sense.

By Cursed at 11,Mar,12 18:02

I wasn't done. So, I think that if you could talk to a professional (psychologist) that they could guide you in the right direction as far as dealing with "issues". Issues you rightly have-
I can probably trace a lot of my dysfunction from dealing with being taken advantage of sexually by a family member- of course, an uncle. I haven't sought counseling, so I am not one to give advice, but considering I have low self-esteem, and have had casual sex without caring, it probably isn't normal? Anyhow, I have been posting and reading for the last week or so, and as the hours tick by at a job I hate, I continue to read... and feel more depressed. Mostly because I feel like I have no one to talk to. I am too embarrassed to talk about anything in my past or present that isn't perfect with my family. I'm the only one who seems to have "issues". Everyone else in my family is wonderfully happy and issue free-
I am here. Reading. Commiserating. Keep hope. I guess...

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