As I was young, my friends always made fun of my intellect. They often exposed me in public and soon everyone laughed at me. I am not very smart. That pretty much killed me.
And also I am ugly, very ugly. My skin is very thin and full of acne. At parties I was often called "Pizza face". I went to several doctors about it but every single one of them proposed cremes (or other stuff) which made it much worse. Then I realized that food may cause it. So I stopped eating pretty much everything which contains fat and sugar. It got a little bit better, but not much.
I am broke. When I wander through the streets I either get looks out of pity or I disgust people. And of course I never had a girlfriend, even so I tried hard by reading books and training "in the fields" (clubs, parties, ...). Never had a chance.
I guess the thing I mostly hate are my friends. They always try to encourage me. I'm not sure they do this to make me feel better. I rather think they do this to keep their illusion, that their success came from their actions. The truth is: Life is a joke and it doesn't matter how much you try to accomplish something if you are full of sh*t. You will fail all the time.
I wish someone would someday tell me that I shouldn't try to be loved. That I shouldn't put all effort in finding a girlfriend but just to accept my situation. But since they always tell me not to give up, I blame myself, even though deep down I know better.
I have no hope. And now I somehow feel tricked, as they told me it would get better. It didn't. I am 25 years old and I pretty much everything went worse. Still stupid, still ugly, still lonely. I don't see how it could possibly turn out good.
For about one year, I wish for death every day. Often I can't even concentrate on my work. But I cannot kill myself, I'm not selfish enough.
So I just wait...