Hello everyone. I don't know where to begin, it's just that somewhere along the line I lost who I was or my motivation. I thought that If i did the right things that I would be happy. Not so true. I am miserable and wake up every morning asking myself how did i get in this situation. I mean don't get it wrong, I have everything I need and more but there is something missing and it feels like I have big ass hole inside of me that really just makes my gut ache every minute of everyday. I am in a one sided relationship where my partner doesn't even really wish to be in but is too proud to admit it. It began with this God foresaken relationship. I really was naive to think that this is what would keep me happy. Well, it sounded good at the time and now I'm so far sunken in I don't even know who I am.
Honestly I love with all my heart and get nothing back. It sux because I literally gave up who I was to be a "we". But f that. I'm so sick of feeling like a pile of dirt or just a headache to the people around me. My family is so caught up in why why why and what are you doing, they are missing the point of me reaching out to them as a family member. I too have a lot of pride and can't get around the fact that I do have no one. No friends, no job, no money, no nothing.
Everything I've done for the past two years has been in vain and that I feel is what is making me so ill. Maybe if someone actually gave a shit about me it wouldn't be so bad. That would be nice for a change instead of someone judging. I know this is so vague but maybe if I just write about the general side of it someone, anyone could even try to understand. Like an earlier post I read, I too don't feel that there would be any significance if I were somehow to pass away. Funny thing, I did escape death once and every day I ask God why he just didn't take me then. I was in less pain and now it hurts so much it's actually hard to breath. Not that I want some kind of holiday or time to stop, I just want to be appreciated for what I do. Maybe that's being selfish, but when you're not even recognized, you feel like you have no important role In the world that's what it comes down to.
My day usually goes like this: I wake up, take the dog out, iron his clothes. He's off to work and I begin cleaning the house, feed the dog, get ready, try to study, and wait for him to get off. Before that, make dinner or go to the store to buy food for dinner.... On the weekends pick up his kids, make them dinner, make sure they aren't fighting, referee about who is watching what on tv, feed them, give the dog a bath, fold the laundry entertain them while he is out with his friends doing God knows what, then go to sleep.... First one to get up and take the dog out, make breakfast, shower the kids, get them ready for practice and then get ready, and get rushed because I take the longest bc I'm the girl. Ohhh and in between all of that constantly cleaning up poo and piss around the house bc our dog isn't house broken. Then when we get somewhere, anywhere, I get yeld at for forgetting something at home bc it's my responsibility to remember everything...... Bring the kids to their moms house go home make dinner and get made fun of everynight before I go to bed because he thinks its entertaining. He wonders why I have nightmares everynight. Ohhh yeah and during the week get groceries for his ill mother and sometimes even take her to her doctors appointments.
My life in a nutshell, as present. Like I said it wasn't always like that. I used to be happy. But I don't know where to find it anymore. I have no life that's mine, no one to talk to about it. My opinion doesn't even matter one bit. I'm tired of trying. I'm just over it and over feeling belittled. Hopefully one day I find my bliss but it's so damn hard. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me like I said I am blessed with a roof over my head and food to eat, I just want to feel something. Anything other than sadness. Just want to feel alive again. | |
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