LIFE SUCKS

I don\'t know..

I need to let it out.
I try talking to a few of my friends about this but I never can really open up.. there's only so much to say before people tend to distance themselves..

From 12-15 My family lost their business, at this age I really didn't know what money was. I was still going to school, started an 'after school' job at 14 for two years.
At 15 I got kicked out of school due to complete bullshit and never went back.
From the age of 15-18 I did not have a social life at all. I had to help my father with his business so we had food on the table and somewhere to sleep.
I've slept outside, been almost homeless. Lived in a trashed mobile home for three painful fucking years.
Three years of my life was spent being closed away from the world and not experiencing what it is to be a teenager or even talking to people.
For three years of my life I wanted to kill myself everyday and only realize it was a waste.. the only thing is to wait..

When i was 18 things started picking back up, we got our house back and moved back. My father got more steady work. I started saving money because he could finally pay me. I saved my money and got out of there a few months shy of 19.

I'm 20 now, nearing 21. I'm also hard of hearing and have to get hearing aids.. at 20 years old..

Now, I've worked my ASS OFF for the last two years. I have the car i've wanted since I was a kid. I have a great job doing what I love and moving up in the world..
It comes with a price, working long hours and two jobs.. a full time job and then web design on the side..

I'm a very honest and open person but not trusting.. I am always the nice guy, always described as the perfect guy yet I can't get a girlfriend.
Sure one night stands can get by with the need of sex, but it feels empty and has gotten worse..
When I actually try to get a girlfriend and open up, people run away..

I can't fall asleep, and when I do I stay asleep and don't want to get up.
It's starting to affect my work..


I can tell myself I'm not depressed, I've already been through it all and I can handle it..
but I'm still alone.. so very alone..
I don't feel like killing myself because that would be a fucking waste. Life just feels empty..meaningless

I don't have many friends and it is extremely hard for me to trust anyone, including my own family..
I have some friends, only a couple close friends that really know me and they are not even local..

Everyone see's the strong and silent on the outside, but no one can hear the pain on the inside....

All i want is someone to understand me.... i guess that's too much to ask when i can't even understand myself.