It doesn't matter if you're some starving little child in africa abducted by Kony and whatnot, or if you're this 13 year old girl that thinks she will never get a boyfriend.
If you're one of those people that have been educated about the holy God your whole life, and how there is a heaven, You're bound for dissapointment.
The littlest things can make you severely depressed (well that's how it is in my case) because, i am constantly comparing the shit that happens here with the heaven i have always believed is real (?). See, what i'm getting at is, why is God putting us through this. (from a depressed formal christian's point of view)
The main question i had was, why would God create a world where people suffer. He knew that Adam would eat the apple, and that he would let sin in. for all of us to suffer in. so, I stumbled upon this on the internet.
(don't get me wrong with the next statement, i am very low faith)
"If God knew that we would sin, why did he create the world?Our tendency in answering this question is to look at it from a man-centred perspective: whatís in it for us? Wouldnít it have been better for us never to have sinned?
But the answer that the bible gives challenges us by taking a God-centred perspective. And it makes us step back and ask an even bigger question:
Why did God create the world at all?
God didnít create the world primarily for our benefit, he did it for his glory. He created a world that would display his glory most fully and most perfectly. That is to say, every aspect of Godís character could be shown in its most extreme form.
If God had created a world in which no one sinned, what aspects of his character could he have shown? His creative power, his loving-kindness, his provision for his people."
I guess that's reasonable right? Well i wasn't too sure after reading this:
"Why did God feel the need to prove anything about His character to Himself or to anyone, particularly the likes of His created sub-beings like angels and us? Why could He not have been satisfied to know this about Himself and leave at that? Why the big need to create a world and beings to whom you can show your glory? Was He not satisfied to just know it about Himself? Is He not all-sufficient? If thereís a true answer to this question, then the follow up question is Why, then, does He feel the need to create these very real people to show His glory to and expose these very real people, who He loves (?), to sin and evil and then send these very real people to hell to a very real suffering without hope for all eternity just to prove and display His glory to those who, by His won choosing, will not meet the same fate? Who is He doing this for and why? Isnít He really just doing all of this for Himself and real, not imaginary, created beings burn in hell and suffer unending misery for all eternity because of it? Weíre told that nothing in Him is lacking, but apparently, He was not just pleased just to know this about Himself and be satisfied with that."
When i finished reading that i was speechless. i thought God was selfish, and i was coming to hate him.
The only fucking thing that's keeping me from committing suicide is the fear that i will go to an eternity in hell, I WOULD PERSONALLY PREFER NOT TO EXIST AT ALL.
But no, I'm stuck here in fear. Bearing through each day.. wishing i could just be in heaven or not exist at all. Why should committing suicide be a sin, in the first place? Like, We're exposed to so much sin and evil, if i ever committed suicide, it would be because i'm sick of living here and i just want to be with my creator in heaven. I would like to think that if we had all the right intentions when committing suicide, we could go to heaven.
But having said that ... Nothing makes sense. I'm starting to believe God isn't even real. and when a full pledged christian starts to believe that, your whole life just seems like shit. I mean like, any bad thing that happens to you, you automatically blame it on God. There is no 'manning up' or 'suck it up, it's life' when you've been in my experience.
I just want to either not exist at all... or be in heaven. But the risk of an eternity in hell just scares me too much, and this bad life doesn't compare to what hell would be like.
So I'm just stuck. I'm just waiting here, for my time to come. My self esteem is so low ... I mean like, about a month ago i got a girlfriend, and she was kind of the person i would lean on in God's place. I guess that rubbed off as 'too clingy' and now she's just fucking ignoring me. I thought girls liked having attention, i would call her every day. just to see how she is, yenno, and chat. I didn't think i was being annoying, i just want to feel equally missed and loved.
But over all, i want to meet my creator...