When I was 18 I tried to kill myself a couple of times. I left home because I couldn't stand my father's mental abuse any more, I didn't have anywhere to go so just walked out the door and kept walking around the city. I thought of jumping under a train but really didn't want to be an inconvenience to so many people, and it's fucking scary when the train comes hurtling out of the tunnel!
I didn't have any money (literally a couple of bucks was all the money I had in the world) so I bought 4 packs of paracetamol (64 tablets) and swallowed them all with water (yes booze would have been more effective, but couldn't afford it) and lay down to die under a tree in the park at about 3am. It was so cold I couldn't get to sleep, which is probably what saved me, I just lay there shivering until eventually my built in survival instinct kicked in and I got up and started walking home. I crept in through the door but my brother was up and asked me where I'd been, I said I couldn't sleep so had gone for a walk in the park to clear my head, but my clothes were covered with bits of grass from lying down, I never knew if he noticed.
I went to bed, I didn't know if I was going to die, but got a couple of hours sleep and woke up at 7am with terrible stomach pains, and spent the rest of the day vomiting violently into the toilet. I didn't have any food to vomit, I was just spewing out all this black flaky stuff, all day long and much of the day after. I think it was all the lining from my stomach which was coming out because I couldn't eat anything for a few days afterwards, any food I had I'd immediately vomit up, I could only hold down a bit of juice or water.
About 3/4 days later I went out to try again, but that time I bought sleeping pills, but could only afford a couple of packs, over the counter stuff, not prescription stuff so maybe they weren't "suicide grade" sleeping pills. I tried the same approach, but again it was so cold I ended up retreating back to bed. Yes I know it's a pretty half-assed approach to suicide, but I was young and didn't really know any better. This time when I got back my dad had seen that I was gone and just stood there yelling at me non-stop for a couple of hours, asking me where I'd been but I wouldn't say.
I wasn't violently sick like before, but I woke up feeling as though my heart was having palpitations, and I was having hallucinations all day, seeing insects everywhere, thinking my eyes were popping out, stuff like that, possibly because of the lack of sleep I'd had in previous days of sickness.
I never told anyone that I'd tried to kill myself, and I never tried again although I think about it a lot. I moved out of home so I didn't have to deal with my father any more.
Anyway... after that my life just drifted on a bit, now I'm in my 30s, have no friends, and have never even kissed or held hands with a girl or gone on a date, and I don't think that's going to change.
I googled "i am lonely", found this site, and here I am! Sure it's not the worst story here, but I just wanted to share.
PS I'm ugly too | |
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