The ever-changing world around me is a little hard to cope with anymore. I don't think it was until now that I realized I might have some sort of depression, or simply a very high stress level. Though my grades are good, (4.0, but it's a community college, so whoopdy fuckin' do) I feel that the only thing I get out of school is stress. Teachers think that their class is the only class that exists, so I get 4 piles of homework. Even on the breaks they decide to throw in the extra 300 pages of reading. Then, you have to spend so much fucking time there, and you don't even need 85% of what you learn. Why do I have to read an 800 page novel when I want to work in the medical field?
Then you have things such as family life. What started as a stereotypical high school relationship evolved into something that could actually go somewhere, at least I thought. Recently, I question if I even feel the same way about her. At first, I was positive that I felt strongly about her. Now, my heart's a complete blank. I don't know if it's just the array of stress that punched me in the dick that's just causing me to have little emotion towards anything anymore, or if maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I still feel the same way.
Parents are also a moderate pain in the ass. It feels like my mom (I'm an only child with a mom because my dad decided that he, "wasn't ready," to have a child, though I was planned) wants me to be just as miserable as everyone else. I'm taking a leave of absence from my job right now because of school, but at one point I had two jobs and did school at the same time. Before I got a job, she would bitch that I needed a job. Then, I got a job. That sure as fuck didn't stop her from bitching about anything she could find a reason to bitch about. Then I got two jobs, but the bitching didn't stop. Then, I maintain a 4.0 GPA while having two jobs, yet she doesn't change? What the fuck do parents want? I don't expect a reward for this or anything. My only request is that you get off my shit when I'm showing more responsibility than anyone else I know. I had 24 hours a week at one job, and about 10-15 for the other one. That's about 34-39 hours WORKING, then you add school on top of that. I went to school for 10 hours, but that's not including homework. So I was doing about 50 hours a week of stupid shit. I was making good money, but I was doing so much shit that I had no time to spend it or buy anything besides gas to get me to and from those places. Now, I spend all of my time doing stupid school shit, and I know, as soon as school ends, she's gonna get on my shit about jumping right back into work.
Then my band is another thing that may cause more stress now than it does enjoyment. Every venue is so fucking greedy. They want you to sell a minimum of tickets, but even if you sell more, you don't get to keep shit. Wtf is that? I got you as much as you want, can't I keep just a little bit of it? And our lead guitar player can't get his shit together. He hasn't been to practice for a month, yet he bitches and whines like a bitch when we kick him out. Does he honestly think we're going to keep him in? Then there's the fact that no one ever goes to local shows, so what's the point? Our friends and family can't go to every show, and i'm sure they'll get sick of spending all of their money on us. Fuck, my friends never go to shows anyways. I hang out with maybe 5 people. People say, "don't lose touch," or, "keep in contact," but they make no attempt at all to conserve the friendship. The friends I have now, I've been friends with for about 10 years. Yet not one of you can make it to a show that costs $7? Some friends. They don't even answer the text. I wouldn't mind if they said they had previous engagements, but it's the fact that they don't answer shit. Being a musician is my dream, but it sucks ass right now. I write all the shit, I get all of the shows, yet I get the blame when shit goes wrong, or I get bitched at when someone's pissed.
It's just the nonstop, whirlwind of shit that needs to calm down a little bit. I mean, I make jokes and try to be funny and smile, but there's only so much that I can take before I crack under pressure. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch. I know my life doesn't suck as much as some other people, but the nonstop stress is just getting to be too much. | |