LIFE SUCKS

Why do I even bother living?

I was first diagnosed with an emotional disorder at the age of 5, generalized anxiety disorder. At age 12, I was diagnosed with severe depression, and tried to take my own life. I was being bullied severely, I was called a bitch, a whore, a lesbian, along with merciless teasing. At age 13, I developed an eating disorder and lost over 10 pounds despite growing several inches. I was not overweight to begin with, but my parents didn't see it. Age 15 marked the begining of my isolation. I had fewer and fewer friends until by age 16 I had none. I haven't had any friends since. I have had two boyfriends, each lasting fewer than four dates. At age 17 I was diagnosed as bipolar, and began to suffer from ultradian bipolar, which is when you switch moods as many as four times per day. I also suffered a psychotic episode in which I believed I was slowly being transformed into a robot, and every night surgery was done to replace some body part or organ with a synthetic version. All of this was in preparation for the cyborg takeover, and I was to be part of the first wave. Seems stupid now, but then it was absolutely real. What depresses me the most right now is that friendships, romantic relationships, work, school, all of it feels like work that will do nothing but sap my energy and make me feel even more tired than I already am. I can't think of anything that would make me feel happy again. The most I can hope for is to feel numb, to forget about the pain for a few minutes while watching tv or eating or sleeping. Many times I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up.