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Lonely, Rejected, Sad, Depressed...

Posted by Julia at March 16, 2012
Tags: Anxiety  Attitude  Loneliness  2012 March

Okay, since I don't have anyone in my life to who I can tell this I am putting this up here, hoping that someone would read it. My name is not Julia, but I would like to hide my real ID. I am a girl, 18 years old, finishing high-school, love art.
My childhood was very painful, I was always a black sheep, never fitting anywhere, always getting rejected because of my taste in music, my black clothes etc. I think people find me pretty, I have had a lot of boyfriends, one serious relationship and can tell I have some experience in that section. However, I suffer from low self-esteem and can't seem to find boyfriends anymore. I also cut myself, but I stopped about a year and a half ago. So, as I said, my childhood was painful, but i got through it somehow, especially with my mother's help. In spite of all the problems my father had been causing over the years (cheating, drinking, beating me up every night, yelling at mom because he's drunk and angry), she was there all the time. She was my shoulder to cry on. Than, I grew up a little bit, went to high-school, have no friends there. I had only one friend, a best friend for 12 years of my life. No one like her in the world. Till one day, 6 months ago, she gained new friends and left me when i most needed her. My grandmother was in the hospital, my uncle had serious heart problems, my brother abandoned me and went to States, never calls me... And the main problem - my mother, which I adore so much, got sick from brain cancer. My only friend, only thing that i have in this cruel world. She is fighting, but want to keep me out of everything, protect me. My grandma had breast cancer, my brother had it on his leg, so I think I might get it, too at one point in my life.
I am scared. Scared of my future, I have no one to rely on, I don't have a SINGLE FRIEND and i really don't know why. I personally don't think I am a bad person, so why am i so lonely? I spent past 6 months sitting in my chair with the computer, and gained some weight because I am overeating myself for some reason. I lost my self-esteem, I am anxious, depressed, don't care for anything at all and lost all of my emotions. I feel rejected and often want to cut myself again. On weekends I don't go out anymore, and I used to go out every weekend and take pictures of nightlife for a magazine and people loved me, everyone knew me. Where are those people now, when I need them? It's like everything was a lie. I am only 18 y o and I am that depressed that i lost all of my social skills, I am acting like a junky on drugs, lie in my bad or sitting in my chair, no music gets me up anymore. I don't have any future, as a matter of fact I am afraid of it, I am scared as shit. I know that there are people with even worse problems, but I really feel like dying, or worse I feel like rotting alive.
So there, there's a lot more things to this, but I wrote only a bit (imagine how much more there is).


Votes:


Similar Entries:
bob's story November 15, 2010
life does suck December 8, 2011
Fuck it... March 22, 2012
Just sad and lonely October 26, 2011
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Comments:
By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 16:19

with a name like julie, id love to slop around in that poopshoot. yeah!


By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 16:34

don't give up Try to get outside every day. Take a few of those wildlife pictures. Often people seem to be gone or not there for you because they have a problem too or got busy with something. Things change.
Please go see a Dr. as cutting is very dangerous to you.
Don`t give up things will get better!


By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 16:51

I admire your courage for sharing your life and your story. I don't know what life has planned for you. The best thing I can say is you can control the things around you but you can control the things inside you. Find joy in your life and there plenty of things. If you feel sad for yourself, you will feel sad. I pray that things go better for you. And your mom will get better. Keep hope a live.


By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 17:40

you need to find someone to talk to, even a cyber friend. Bottling up emotions is soul destroying. I can spend days without hearing a human voice and the pain in my heart is destroying me. Talk to someone before you become so hard like me that you forget how to feel.

Express yourself in your art, become a cyber person that you like, no one can see you or judge you, who knows what's really going on inside. be brave stay strong, and talk


By Angie at 17,Mar,12 19:39

Ill be ur friend, email buddies im a good listener.. Email me angieortega08@yahoo.com...

I also feel alone, ive tried to make friends but always feel like the 3rd wheel... Im here


By Cursed at 17,Mar,12 20:19

Julia dear-
You have a heavy burden to bear at such a young age! How unfortunate. But, you have to continue to be strong!!! You need to be there for your mum and your grammy. Imagine how scared your mum must feel, so it's not just you? It's going to be hard road to tow, but you've GOT TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
FOCUS on that bright, sunny, spot that you've invested so much time and energy into- yeah that's right, YOUR ART!! ART, will guide you through this rough period.
Tap deeper into your creativity!
Your life probably feels like it has spiraled out of control, but hang in there!
THE DAD-
As far as your father is concerned, he needs a swift kick in the balls. Seriously??? How dare someone bigger, stronger, and supposedly your protector, hurt you physically! If he beats on you, and your mother, you need to seek help. I MEAN IT AND FAST! Your safety and your mom's safety are at stake here! Call the cops.
I mean it Julia. In an abusive situation, the abuse, doesn't just STOP. It will continue as long as your dad thinks he can get away with it... trust me. Been there.
Removing the cause of your physical pain, will allow you and your mother to relax. It may seem stressful at first- no one likes dealing with the cops. But, there is no excuse for his behavior, and as much as you may love your dad, he obviously needs to get a reality check-
He know's what he is doing is wrong but obviously can't help himself...
And in the end, seeking help with your situation will, believe it or not help him out too- because he will be forced to get "psychological" help as well. THE CYCLE OF ABUSE must end Julia. And your gonna have to pull-up those black boot straps and make it happen! You know you can do it.
And as big-sister Curse would say: Don't worry about tha boys so much! They will come into the picture when your good n- ready.
Don't run away- especially with a boy. Your life will not get better...
And stick TO YOUR ground! Your mother, grandmother, and you- have rights! You don't have to put up with physical and emotional abuse. Period. No one should.
So, about the breast cancer thing, you need to get a mamogram. The next time you're at your doctor's ask them about it...
There are many agencies out there that can help with your situation. Take advantage of them. Be smart. Be resourceful.
Be strong girl!
You have your WHOLE life ahead of you- and it isn't fair that you have to grow up faster than your friends. But sometimes, life throws us curve balls, no matter how old we are-
Good luck. Protect your family.
And we're all here rootin for yah!
Cursed
By anonymous at 18,Mar,12 13:35

good job. I agree with you completely.
By Julia at 18,Mar,12 18:27 Fold Up

Thank you so much for your answer, my eyes watered for a second when i read this. It is a miracle there are people out there who are willing to give a useful advice to a stranger on-line. I am grateful for your advice, believe me it gives me strength to push and to be stronger. It is difficult for me at this age to experience so much pain and awful circumstances, but I will try to cope with it one way or the other... I have to, giving up would only make me a loser!
Thank you again,
Love, Julia


By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 20:42

At least you are still young. Try to learn something, something that could earn you a job in the future. At the meantime you might find some friends or someone to talk to.


By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 21:22

You are definitely going through a lot. I'm 30, but I remember when I was 18.. and everything that was wrong hurt more then. As I got older, things became slightly easier to bare. What you are going through will only make you stronger, I know that is difficult to see and believe right now.


By at 17,Mar,12 23:09

I have always felt like a third wheel, and i support u, but u need 2 try. Power Thru. U r strong and u should use that strength


By anonymous at 17,Mar,12 23:21

Rotting alive. I feel like that too.
I used to be very skinny and gained some weight since my father died of a brain tumor.
What you have to know is in order to be happy we must find love. I feel like when we have a mutual connection with someone life tends to settle in place, losing a friend you've known for that long is going to take a toll on your relationship building with others give it a couple weeks before you try and make new friendships because you want to be able to really trust
someone with your problems. I used to behhhh a cutter, I'm kind of disgusted by the thought because last time I had to get 4 stitches and it left a pretty gross scar
Take each day one by one, to over come depression we can't do anything in one day do things you really love to enjoy, or take some photography somewhere you always wanted. Really think about some dreams you've always had. Your getting to be an adult those things you've always wanted to do... are coming. I always try to satisfy the child version of myself. Watch some disney movies. Live a little. If the computer makes you happy. Fuckin explore. Learn some new cool shittt. Try. That's all you can do. Keep strong. You seem to have a lot of potential. (:
By Julia at 18,Mar,12 18:31

Everything you said makes sense and I will sure try and do something about my situation. Life is short, but tough, I must live through it somehow, survive... Killing myself would make me a loser. I know it's tough but I must somehow find some hope in miserable moments of my life.
Thank you for your respond, I find it wonderful that a random person would answer with an advice on my story...
Love, Julia


By Truth at 18,Mar,12 00:45

Fact is, you're a miserable whining cunt. Fuck you...thrice!
By anonymous at 18,Mar,12 13:22

Her mother died of brain cancer puto.
By anonymous at 18,Mar,12 13:22

Or is dying anyways. Puto=faggot. You know, maricon.
By Truth at 19,Mar,12 18:19

beaner
By Julia at 18,Mar,12 18:28 Fold Up

I have nothing to say to people like you except: Go cure your ego somewhere else, you selfish, self-centered bastard! I'm everything but whining!
By anonymous at 19,Mar,12 18:17

maricon = anonymous faggot
By Truth at 19,Mar,12 18:18 Fold Up

shut the fuck up you human colostomy bag of shit. So the world hates you, big fuckin deal slime-opotamus


By at 18,Mar,12 08:32

i know and i can feel the pain ur bearing i want u to b just praying it surely helps .. im a muslim .. i want u to b praying always ..i m sure ur mom wil get alright .. dont see ur mom like she is not well just b happy with her like b4 then she too wil feel happy .. wont u make ur mom happy when she needs u /.
By Julia at 18,Mar,12 18:32

You seem to understand that the biggest sadness here is actually a problem with my mom being sick... You are right, I tend to do that every day, make her life brighter even if it's so dark...
Thank you for your respond!
Love, Julia


By at 21,Mar,12 03:48

.... I'm flexible. But seriously I'm 15 and just wanting an EMO girlfriend hit me up anytime, just Email me okay.


By anonymous at 21,Mar,12 08:00

you wanna talk?
we can be friends if you want.

my name is Lani and im a girl. 24 yo.
and this is my email dixie_dud@yahoo.com


By anonymous at 22,Mar,12 03:43

Life is made of ups and downs, the downs are not always our fault but it's up to you to make the best out of it. Keep the faith. You certainly have much strength somehow. Love
paschal@live.co.uk . You can give me your birth date. I have studied the stars since 1985 to help me carrying my own luggage...Though more & more in a very fragile position I realize it's best to know one's path, do our best, let go and not dramatize anything because that is where is the free will...this way you can still maintain relationships dear to you if you want to, people reject others when they are afraid themselves. Afraid of what? of forgiving and loving more and saying good bye, for noone is perfect but we are all in the same boat.


By anonymous at 23,Mar,12 12:56

i would like 2 say only 1 thing.if u need a friend call me pratham007.suraj@gmail.com


By anonymous at 31,Mar,12 02:00

Hey,
If you need another person please feel free to reach out. I can be a friend who will accept you for who you are no judgements or opinions. Just someone to maybe help you when you need it. Akp_1@msn.com


By Ron at 15,Feb,13 15:38

You can talk to me: lifedream777@hotmail.com


By Cheap The North Face Jessie Gree at 31,Oct,14 17:13

Aku kemudiannya mengunci basikal kesayanganku. Cinta yang sentiasa membawa kebahagiaan kepada hati, =).¡°no thank you!¡± kata hayati yang dipanggil ?? apa yang akan si kecil ini teriakkan padaku disaat ia perlukanku.ibu mak ummi mama suamiku hanya tersenyum melihat gelagatku sambil memberi ciuman kasih didahikulamunanku menjadi semakin indah hari demi hariku usap perutku setiap waktuku bisikkan kata-kata indah pada bayiku teramat sayang padamu wahai anakku.sebelum jenazah anakku disemadikan sempat kusisipkan photo aku bersama suami di balutan putih tubuh kecil anakku.sempat jua ku ambil bekas-bekas kain putih itu yang dipotong untuk kusimpan sebagai pengubat rindu


By Mens Parajumpers at 17,Dec,14 14:10

Aku kemudiannya mengunci basikal kesayanganku. Cinta yang sentiasa membawa kebahagiaan kepada hati, =).¡°no thank you!¡± kata hayati yang dipanggil ?? apa yang akan si kecil ini teriakkan padaku disaat ia perlukanku.ibu mak ummi mama suamiku hanya tersenyum melihat gelagatku sambil memberi ciuman kasih didahikulamunanku menjadi semakin indah hari demi hariku usap perutku setiap waktuku bisikkan kata-kata indah pada bayiku teramat sayang padamu wahai anakku.sebelum jenazah anakku disemadikan sempat kusisipkan photo aku bersama suami di balutan putih tubuh kecil anakku.sempat jua ku ambil bekas-bekas kain putih itu yang dipotong untuk kusimpan sebagai pengubat rindu


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