Okay, since I don't have anyone in my life to who I can tell this I am putting this up here, hoping that someone would read it. My name is not Julia, but I would like to hide my real ID. I am a girl, 18 years old, finishing high-school, love art.
My childhood was very painful, I was always a black sheep, never fitting anywhere, always getting rejected because of my taste in music, my black clothes etc. I think people find me pretty, I have had a lot of boyfriends, one serious relationship and can tell I have some experience in that section. However, I suffer from low self-esteem and can't seem to find boyfriends anymore. I also cut myself, but I stopped about a year and a half ago. So, as I said, my childhood was painful, but i got through it somehow, especially with my mother's help. In spite of all the problems my father had been causing over the years (cheating, drinking, beating me up every night, yelling at mom because he's drunk and angry), she was there all the time. She was my shoulder to cry on. Than, I grew up a little bit, went to high-school, have no friends there. I had only one friend, a best friend for 12 years of my life. No one like her in the world. Till one day, 6 months ago, she gained new friends and left me when i most needed her. My grandmother was in the hospital, my uncle had serious heart problems, my brother abandoned me and went to States, never calls me... And the main problem - my mother, which I adore so much, got sick from brain cancer. My only friend, only thing that i have in this cruel world. She is fighting, but want to keep me out of everything, protect me. My grandma had breast cancer, my brother had it on his leg, so I think I might get it, too at one point in my life.
I am scared. Scared of my future, I have no one to rely on, I don't have a SINGLE FRIEND and i really don't know why. I personally don't think I am a bad person, so why am i so lonely? I spent past 6 months sitting in my chair with the computer, and gained some weight because I am overeating myself for some reason. I lost my self-esteem, I am anxious, depressed, don't care for anything at all and lost all of my emotions. I feel rejected and often want to cut myself again. On weekends I don't go out anymore, and I used to go out every weekend and take pictures of nightlife for a magazine and people loved me, everyone knew me. Where are those people now, when I need them? It's like everything was a lie. I am only 18 y o and I am that depressed that i lost all of my social skills, I am acting like a junky on drugs, lie in my bad or sitting in my chair, no music gets me up anymore. I don't have any future, as a matter of fact I am afraid of it, I am scared as shit. I know that there are people with even worse problems, but I really feel like dying, or worse I feel like rotting alive.
So there, there's a lot more things to this, but I wrote only a bit (imagine how much more there is).