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No job, no girl, no life, no hope...

Posted by anonymous at March 17, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 March  Meaninglessness  Society

I guess in some ways I don't have it so bad... Never been fondled by a strange uncle, no life-altering accidents that have rendered me hideous (although I'm no trip to Hollywood to begin with) and parents that accept and love me (even though in the last year I've really began to avoid them as much as I can). I guess my main problem is that I've never done anything with my life that I'm proud of, I can't remember the last time I felt genuinely "happy", I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I'm 19 and I've never had a job, I'm socially awkward and even though I can type sorta impressively (I guess) I can't speak for shit, I've noticed it getting worse in the last couple years, I always stutter or trip over my words in conversation... I probably hate this more than anything else about me. I'm sure everyone around me thinks I'm some kinda freak who has some serious mental health issues... Maybe i do. Waking up is the worst part of every day for me, having to deal with the reality of living such a mediocre, worthless existence is almost shameful now. I am ashamed of who I am. I hate who I am. I have ZERO confidence and absolutely no self esteem, and always feel uncomfortable around other people, i just don't like people in general, if i woke up tomorrow and found out that all of my friends had died over night, i honestly don't think I'd care that much. People just don't matter to me and despite this, I don't really consider myself a "bad" guy. Nor do I consider myself some kinda good person either, just somewhere in between, i guess. I suppose an ideal life (ideal meaning "good") for me would be one without other people, being able to move away from civilization would be a dream come true. Since i was 13 or 14, I've wanted to be an arms dealer, I've had an unhealthy obsession with guns since I was a toddler, the idea of selling weapons to people all over the world would be a dream come true, not like it'll ever happen, but it's still my dream. Not like it matters, not like any of this shit matters, but somehow the idea of someone else reading my innermost thoughts just seems kinda comforting to me. I really don't know how long I can survive without hope, without any kind of happiness in life. Not a day goes by that I don't think about ending it, there's just no end in sight.



Votes:


Similar Entries:
Love Lost November 29, 2011
This life makes me sick! March 9, 2012
Life's A Bitch December 30, 2010
Ugh, life November 5, 2011
When will I stop crying? April 15, 2011



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 18,Mar,12 23:25

I read my self in this all to much.


By Truth at 19,Mar,12 00:13

Fuck you, mancunt. You're a tiny little fagboy. I hope you fall facefirst into a pile of old labrador dogshit.


By anonymous at 19,Mar,12 00:43

sweety, you are very young and have social anxiety. you prolly do need to see someone about your anxiety and depression. as far as your speech problems, they might recommend a speech pathologist or you can just practice with yourself. look in the mirror and talk out loud.

do you go to college? you can join clubs there to make friends and get out of your comfort zone. play sports? any interests and hobbies that you may participate in with people? it's all in your hands. you can change it if you really want to do something about it. your problem is fixable. really get help for the social anxiety and go to college. those are the 2 most important things you can for your future. good luck.


By anonymous at 19,Mar,12 03:09

stick to hope. HOPE IS KEY TO LIFE. God made u for a reason. i read this nd the whole thing reminded me of myself bro foreal. means u r not alone in this world. just be the best person u could be while acting your tru self nd dont let no one stop you from your dreams. Be grateful God made u live in this world for a chance 2 live. nd also dont worry wat ppl say about u because in the end of the day God made us all human and equal :)


By anonymous at 19,Mar,12 05:25

Hey buddy, I get depressed at many times too and like you I put myself down, sometimes for a whole week I look at life as if it isn't real that i'll wake up because things have changed and I hate it, but having said that I can lift myself back up. What you got to do is not care about life, fuck life, who gives a shit about life, why the fuck should I live life how people say and people do, it's stupid, everyone's just doing the same stupid shit untill they wait for there death. Seems kinda pointless right? If you don't give a shit about life you want be scared of life. Fear is what keeps us physically safe but what also kills us emotionally. example Why are video games awesome? no fear for your actions. I'm not saying you should go to extreme methods of living life purely as a game but do you think anyone would play a video game if it was played around the fear of there life? What you have to do is see yourself as the best, a learning machine, one who will fail but will not stop untill success. But most importantly ONE WHO DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT FAILING! You got to get motivation into your system, for me I run (obviously may be different for others). Running is a mental strength more than a physical strength it doesn't matter how fit i am I cannot run well if my mindset is not right. I've got to be angry/pumped and running for a reason. I put on motivational speeches i got off you youtube onto my ipod and leave it on repeat. When I run I think how stupid i'm living life because of fear and how much potential I have to live how I want. Sometimes I even say this aloud while running. The running is testing my mental strength, will i give up or will i keep going. I always feel motivated, pumped and ready to do crazy stuff that I haven't done before after my run and it can be as little as saying hello or starting a small conversation with a stranger in the street. And don't give a fuck about the fear of it, you will probs never see this person again. I've many times made a fool of myself infront of complete strangers but now I just laugh at myself and say well I probably well never see that person again.

Get angry at yourself for why you are what you are, and change, seek advantage, challenges, seek and conquer your FEAR!

These are just small steps but are the steps that are needed for me being worthy of living. Hope is important but not key, key is action.

of course if all you do is read this then what's the point. Prove yourself wrong buddy and face your fears


By anonymous at 19,Mar,12 11:06

Holy shit this is my life word for word!


By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 06:04

i can relate to most of it except the life-altering events part...those events are what i believe to cause that type of thing, ive dealt with tragedies from an early age but not on ur level hope u can power thru


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