I guess in some ways I don't have it so bad... Never been fondled by a strange uncle, no life-altering accidents that have rendered me hideous (although I'm no trip to Hollywood to begin with) and parents that accept and love me (even though in the last year I've really began to avoid them as much as I can). I guess my main problem is that I've never done anything with my life that I'm proud of, I can't remember the last time I felt genuinely "happy", I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I'm 19 and I've never had a job, I'm socially awkward and even though I can type sorta impressively (I guess) I can't speak for shit, I've noticed it getting worse in the last couple years, I always stutter or trip over my words in conversation... I probably hate this more than anything else about me. I'm sure everyone around me thinks I'm some kinda freak who has some serious mental health issues... Maybe i do. Waking up is the worst part of every day for me, having to deal with the reality of living such a mediocre, worthless existence is almost shameful now. I am ashamed of who I am. I hate who I am. I have ZERO confidence and absolutely no self esteem, and always feel uncomfortable around other people, i just don't like people in general, if i woke up tomorrow and found out that all of my friends had died over night, i honestly don't think I'd care that much. People just don't matter to me and despite this, I don't really consider myself a "bad" guy. Nor do I consider myself some kinda good person either, just somewhere in between, i guess. I suppose an ideal life (ideal meaning "good") for me would be one without other people, being able to move away from civilization would be a dream come true. Since i was 13 or 14, I've wanted to be an arms dealer, I've had an unhealthy obsession with guns since I was a toddler, the idea of selling weapons to people all over the world would be a dream come true, not like it'll ever happen, but it's still my dream. Not like it matters, not like any of this shit matters, but somehow the idea of someone else reading my innermost thoughts just seems kinda comforting to me. I really don't know how long I can survive without hope, without any kind of happiness in life. Not a day goes by that I don't think about ending it, there's just no end in sight.
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do you go to college? you can join clubs there to make friends and get out of your comfort zone. play sports? any interests and hobbies that you may participate in with people? it's all in your hands. you can change it if you really want to do something about it. your problem is fixable. really get help for the social anxiety and go to college. those are the 2 most important things you can for your future. good luck.
Get angry at yourself for why you are what you are, and change, seek advantage, challenges, seek and conquer your FEAR!
These are just small steps but are the steps that are needed for me being worthy of living. Hope is important but not key, key is action.
of course if all you do is read this then what's the point. Prove yourself wrong buddy and face your fears
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