I'm 17, middle class, my family's still together...barely, I have a group of friends, my parents make more money than most parents in my neighbourhood, I should be happy, I should have nothing to complain about. But I feel like shit, everyday.
Everyday I go through the motions of life. School is horrible. I get bad marks, I can't concentrate or "see" properly tho I have 20/20 vision. I think I have brain damage.
I have Social anxiety disorder, I think i'm psychotic, OCD. I also have severe DPD/DR which is the worst thing in my life, coupled with my extreme feelings of loneliness and feelings that I've damaged my brain. This is cause I've been on meds for almost a year, but also drinking a lot, taking cough syrup and smoking weed. I've been getting a weird reaction from Venlafaxine and weed, which leaves me feeling "dark in the head" as I describe it, and this time it hasn't gone away. It's been a week since I smoked with my cousin. I can't find any info on this feeling either. I wanna kill myself if this doesnt go away.
So I'm depressed, I have barely any real friends cause I've isolated myself from everybody because of my psychotic phase, my group of friends go against me when I complain about what assholes they are. The only people who are true to me I can barely talk to cause this DP/DR and Anxiety shit makes me feel like an awkward boring burden on them. So, I'm afraid of being alone, sorry, extremely paranoid of being alone in my life, of my future, of school, and all of these fucked up thoughts in my head right now.
Oh, and apparently I'm moving all of a sudden. In 2 months. I'm gonna have no friends, alone, no life and I'm gonna have to do a victory lap in high school.
I'm getting off of Venlafaxine after only about a month being on them. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep for shit this march break. And tomorrow school starts, where I'll go through the motions and keep feeling all of these feelings. I'll be late for sure tho cause I can't wake up in the morning. I guess I love escaping reality by sleeping, drinking, smoking and fucking up my brain.
I can barely hold onto reality anymore. I think I need new friends and a new life. Fuck this.
I want to die.